Home

We leave for Chicago on Sunday. Thirteen or so hours in a car. Luckily, we are flying so it will only take us a couple hours. If the weather cooperates. Otherwise, it might still take us thirteen hours. I did all of my shopping ahead of time, just like the Wise Men. I got all my Christmas cards done early, just like every year, because being a control freak is my vice and I want everything checked off my list before I go home.
Home. Everything there is bigger and time is measured differently. People smile at me and laugh with me and understand me. My Mom will look into my eyes and tell me that she loves me so much as she holds my face in her soft, worn hands. She has been looking forward to this visit for over a year now. Finally home for Christmas.

"You are brilliant and subtle if you come from Illinois and really strange and you live as you live and you are always very well taken care of if you come from Illinois."- Gertrude Stein

Tree Skirt

I know the holidays are a confusing time, when we're all telling ourselves lies about how we're going to eat less sugar this time around and not splurge as much on gifts, and then all the sudden we're sitting on the couch watching A Christmas Story while shoving mince pies in our faces with tape stuck to our legs because we're wrapping a neverending pile of presents. It's a roller-coaster. But that's no excuse for this:

I mean, I shouldn't HAVE to point out that "tree skirt" actually DOES mean "skirt for the base of your tree." And yet I could swear I saw one in this exact style on sale at Target the other day. I suppose it's a bit Project Runway-style creativity to cross-breed one of them with a ski jacket, but in all, I am reasonably certain I could stick her under my tree and cover her in presents and no one would know the difference.

Six

We've all been there, haven't we? The first heated flush of love rushing through our bodies, shooting thoughts and desires to every tip of our being? You never want the feeling to fade. It's breathtaking, like a sunset make entirely of kittens. Then one day you realize that this amazingly perfect person is a whining girl and/or moronic boy. It's a bit of a downer, yes, but let's face it, inevitable. Because, God love us, we're all a pain in the rear to be around sometimes. The real trick to ensuring that this realization doesn't put you into years of therapy or bunny strangulation is to attempt to make the break-up amicable. In other words, you have to force yourself to say to the other person, "Hello person to whom I've swapped bodily fluids. I honor our time together, but I must now take my leave of you, for you have bovine excrement for brains." I mean, that's one way to go. Or you can tell the person that you hate them with a passion on a five-time Emmy award winning television show, while pretending to paddle a boat on the other side of the world as several million people laugh at your pain.
And that's the promise of this week, as Jen from Team 273.5a looks to be reaching the pinnacle of her hatred for her boyfriend, Nate. It's a hatred that appears to have been building roughly since the moment he put his dong in some other girl's ding. Though to be fair to Jen, I'm pretty sure she's always been an annoying gash, so let's not sell the hatred short.
The two annoying blondes from Team Dumbblonde are gone after getting eliminated last week, but don't cry for them.
This week begins in Vilnius at some really old windmill. Probably because the last leg totally blew. See what I did there?
"Will Nate be able to change his behavior under stress?" On a scale of 1 to 10, I'm going to guess, NO. Do ANY of us EVER change our behavior under stress? Here's a little clue to several of you feisty gals out there: If your male life-companion at some point punches the fridge because SOMEONE forgot to get out the ham today, then chances are good that he's not real good under stress and probably won't be changing any time in the next 60-80 years.
The hippies won last week and received a trip to Japan, where the hippie says he's been wanting to go for the last 4 years. My guess is that he wants to train with Ninjas. Pot smoking ninjas. Pot smoking ninjas that are into Floyd. Totally, dude. Totally.
The first stop in this leg of the race is Croatia! It's my personal favorite country that sounds like an erectile dysfunction medicine. "Try Croatia, it's got the power to keep you up all night, but your girlfriend won't mind!" (Wink at camera). They have to head to the Fort of St. Lawrence in Dubrovnik, Croatia. I've heard that there's a ton of Larrys in Croatia, so this makes perfect sense. Patron saint of inappropriate scratching, St. Larry, if I remember my bible history correctly.
The dirty hippie re-iterates their strategy as, "We're just trying to be cool and stay into keeping a mellow head", to which his skeletonous female hippie companion replies, "That's healthy and good for our state of mind." Bro. Brooooooo. Righteous.
Kurt of Team Goth is all rambunctious. Says he wants the honor of hearing Phil say that they are team #1. First things first, skippy. How 'bout you just don't finish last, mkay?
Once again, Daddy from Team Daddy is criticizing Sissy. Please reference my earlier thoughts on trying to get a man to change his behavior under stress. At the airport ticket counter, Daddy is very nice to the agent, trying to get information from her. Sissy whispers to him, "See how nice you are to her? You should be that nice to me." So now Sissy is jealous of a European ticketing agent. Healthy.
The hippies are kinda trying to work with the goths because they feel comfortable with each other's unique personality quirks.
Is it racist that I can't see myself feeling comfortable on either Czech Airlines nor Polish Air? I bet they have fun in the cockpit of Czech Airlines though:
"Flaps?"
"Czech!"
"Electrical?"
"Czech!"
"Hydraulics?"
"Czech!"
I heard that Polish Air doesn't let people recline their seats because the pilot wonders where everyone is going.
Jen from Team 273.5a is excited for Croatia. However, she says that she "looks back with regrets because they've fought so much." As far as them being together in the end, "the rest of race will determine whether or not that happens." I, for one, don't need to wait that long. It's like sitting on the life raft of the Titanic and saying. "I'll bet that shuffleboard gets canceled tomorrow, but let's wait and see."
Beaker F says she used to have a roommate who spoke Croatian, so she knows how to say some things, like "there's a party in my pants." Her brother says, "Hopefully we can get a few dollars with that." Ew.
There is a ton of airport drama again, as we await the results of the ever-exciting ticketing purchasing process. Most teams are in line, waiting for one of the airlines to open up for business. Vyxsin asked Kurt, "Why is everyone in line?", to which he replies, "because they're sheep." He's such a poser, it's embarrassing. He probably wants to slap himself, because he embodies so much of what he hates. That is the eternal paradox of the goth. It's a hard knock life, I'll tell you what.
Ugh! I am so sick of airport drama. I know it's tense and everything, but it's getting old. As part of the drama, Daddy and Kurt get into a little hissy fit with each other, but I really don't have the energy to describe the people getting upset about airlines. People are getting into lines and leaving lines, blah-blah-blah. Everyone wants to get some flight, any flight to Croatia. People start to lose their heads a little when they're not sure if they can get a flight out, because you really don't want to lose The Amazing Race at an airport.
Ah, the hippies stuck to the plan, man. Don't get out of line, that's what the man wants you to do.
Beaker M is about to get physical with his sister, Beaker F. "Don't give me the attitude, okay? Do you understand that?" as he lays an arm across her shoulder, whispering. It cracks me up that there people forget all about the microphones they are wearing! This was actually a really creepy and ominous exchange. Dude's got anger issues.
Okay, so the teams aren't allowed to book business class tickets, only economy. However, in some kind of mix-up, the Beakers got business class. By the time they tried to get the tickets exchanged, the flight was booked and gone. This would normally cost them the race, but it's probably a non-elimination leg. Of course, I always think that.
There's more airport drama-half the episode-but I'm not getting into it. Feel free to fill in details in the comments if you're so inclined. Long story short, there were four flights in all eventually getting into Croatia and Nate and Jen are in first.
Croatia is getting some awesome tourism advertising here, what a beautiful place! "We have never seen a view like this," says Jen, who has seen most of southern California, so she knows of what she speaks.
Road Block- Racers must help out rebuilding Dubrovnik walls damaged by a war, which basically consists of finding a rock that matches a hole in a wall.
Daddy and Sissy first to task. Daddy says, "This is harder than I think it is." Yeah, it really looks like it's..wait, what?
Next up, teams take a tandem zip line from the top of the fort to the next clue. Daddy says, "Are you sure this is safe? I just ate-I might just throw up my lunch." It looks like an amazing experience, but man, it would give me poopy pants.
Detour- Short and Long or Long and Short. Teams can either repel a stone wall and then climb a rope ladder up another stone wall (Croatians invented stone walls, apparently) and then have to find their way through a town OR do another tandem zip line to water and then row fishing boats to the next clue. The rowboats are a harder physical task but shorter distance. Did Phil just say it requires physical prowESS? Phil, why are you pronouncing it like that? If Phil said it that way, it's probably right.
Jen is still back yelling to Nate about trying to place stone bricks in the wall. "Just fit it in every hole, Okay? It's just like Tetris!"
Nate and Jen are doing boats, we know THAT. They're also excited about the zip line.
Daddy and Sissy do the boats too, but they sure don't know how to row. It's like watching chimps on a typewriter there.
Back to Nate and Jen. Keep in mind that they are both armed with wooden oars, so things could reach a painful level.
Nate: "I have no idea how to row a boat. Can I just try to figure this out without you yapping in my ear every second.?"
Jen: "You are the meanest person I've ever met sometimes. You're not even trying."
Nate: "I am trying!"
Jen: "If you could just be a gentleman and say, "Hey, could you just do it this way, Jennifer?"
Nate: "HEY, how about you just paddle and we stop discussing this?!?!?"
Jen (Yelling): "Why aren't you paddling?"
Nate (Yelling): "Because every time I paddle, we go into the rocks..."
Jen: "Why are you yelling at me?"
Nate: "We have to go out and around, we can't just go into the ROCKS!"
Jen: "I hate you. I hate you. I'm never going to be with you ever again. I hate you with a passion."
Just to be clear- Jen is no longer the president of Nate's fan club. In fact, she burned down the clubhouse. The clubhouse in crazytown. As Nate tries to get out of the boat, once they make it shore, he nearly tips it over with Jen in it. To which says, "Very graceful, Nate." She's so supportive.
Kurt called Vyxsin his "little pink kitten" and I had to I turn away and missed about five minutes of what was happening.
Everyone has to make it to the Stone Cross at the top of the city.
Of course, Kurt has a tougher time with the wall than Vyxsin. She cheers him on, "You're like a little goth action hero!". Yeah, he is. All smooth in the front just like a GI Joe action figure.
Nate and Jen are actually in first place after all that, but a taxi won't take then to the top of the hill because they are wet. Daddy and Sissy get THE SAME taxi, even though they're wet too. This displeases Jen. To the point where she has HER Amazing Race defining moment as her brain pops and slithers out her ear.
Nate: "Jen, it's okay, we just need to find a taxi. It's okay."
Jen: "No it's not okay, our relationship sucks! I'm so miserable."
And then she has the tell-tale guttural scream and starts crying and wailing. It's the complete regression into madness that we've come to love from the AR. I laughed out loud.
Nate: "Please stop crying. You're gonna cry because we can't get a car in five minutes?"
Jen: "That's not why I am crying!!"
Here is what I know about Croatia:
1. Cures erectile dysfunction
2. Beautiful seaside views
3. Croatians like to fire off guns right next to your ears.
Daddy and Sissy win a catamaran for being in first place this leg of the race.
Nate yells an expletive when the gun goes off, pretty much in his face. The Croatians know how to party, man.
Nate and Jen were second, but they didn't take a taxi to get to the top of the hill, they asked a civilian driver to take them. Phil says they need to go back to the bottom of the hill and get a taxi and come BACK up before they can officially check in. You can imagine about how well THAT went over with them. Phil is lucky that Jen didn't pull his eyeballs out when he wished them luck.
Nate: "This is just the cherry on top of the ice cream sundae that's already melted."
Jen is crying again. "I can't deal with this anymore. I don't want to be here anymore." Let's hope she means the planet Earth and not this show.
Kurt and Vyxsin swoop in at #2.
The hippies are back working their way through the zip line.
Jen analyzes her relationship for the cameras.."As far as our relationship goes, it's unpredictable. Our relationship is so up and down. It may be too late. We've been through a lot."
The hippies are back chillin' on the repel line. Slow and easy tortoises.
Team Greatest Generation and the beakers are in a fight for last place, mostly due to really crappy flight issues.
Team GG is doing the boat, which we know isn't the best idea.
Beakers are doing the boat too. Beaker M is rowing the boat all by himself.
These people are stupid. How hard is it to grasp the concept of rowing a boat?
This gunshot bit is pretty funny. It's really scared everyone so far. I mean, they wait until people are RIGHT next to the gun.
Well, the beakers are in last. Let's see if it's an elimination. They're cut! Whoa. I can't believe they haven't had a non-elimination leg yet! Also, the beakers were the favorites to win this race, I think. Can't believe they're out because of some crappy flights.
Beaker F states, "It's not like someone beat us, we beat ourselves."
Beaker F: "Although my brother might be hard on me, I know he just wants me to go as far as I can."
Beaker M: "As a brother, part of my job is to challenge her." Wait, does he mean as a brother or as a brother?
The next episode isn't for two weeks, which puts it on Christmas Eve Eve, which means I may or may not get to write that one up. Hold your breath!

Geezer

After a church meeting last night, I confessed to my friends Ginny and Jenn that I might be an ageist. I know it isn't politically correct, but I admit, I am just simply not a fan of old people. And I am guessing that this is coming back to haunt me, as my body has been rebelling lately, protesting the passage of time. I am not pleased. Now, I am not an old woman or anything, but I have noticed a few signs of aging. Laugh if you want, but believe me when I say to you that you cannot run from the clock. It is looming. I have complied for a you a partial list of my body mutinies. Be afraid.
-After a haircut, I look down at the fresh hair clippings and then up to the hairdresser and then to the mirror and then back to the clippings. Where in the hell did that much gray hair come from? What has this butcher done to me? Did he drug me, color my hair gray, cut it, recolor it, and revive me to see the aftermath? Yes, that must be it.
-When I hoist my wide behind to a sitting position at the edge of the bed every morning, I ready myself for the inevitable. As I push to stand up, I hear a fireworks display of cracking and popping that rivals the Fourth of July on the Mall in Washington DC. I picture it as the abrupt screaming of my joints and tendons, telling me to sit back down. When the show has ended, I always let out a little moan of satisfaction. I'm guessing that I will spend about 5 glorious hours a day with this ritual when I'm 65.
-There is no flowery way to say this: After the joint and tendon fireworks display, there is a few minutes of gas. Oh, I'm charming. Why is it that as the body gets older, it produces more gas? I have to stay overweight just to keep from floating away, for the love of Pete.
-Not only can you no longer bounce a quarter of my butt, but if you try, it'll swallow the quarter up and spit back a dime.
-Every now and then, I hold my hand out in front of me to see if I have the shakes. Sometimes, I do. I'm sure I don't need to see a doctor, though.
-My muscle spasms are no longer related to the twinge of a vigorous workout. No, now the spasms seem to be more of a last desperate surrender.
-In college, I used to get Party Scars. These were mysterious bumps and bruises that one would encounter after a particularly wild night. I get bumps and bruises that are unexplained now, too. But I get them while napping.
-I cup my hand around my ear to hear people at parties. Pretty soon, I'm gonna say screw it and get one of those big cornucopia looking thingies.
Of course, some of you old coots can barley remember having experience some of the items on my list. Your feeble little mind is nearly gone now, yes? That's just sad. Oop, you have a little spittle on your chin there. Aren't you just adorable? Is this is what I have to look forward to?

Cinco

The true strength of reality programming is its unique ability to bring us real moments of humanity in real time from real people who really don't like each other. Another strength of reality programming is its unique ability to show blondes getting hit by a bus in a foreign country. And if the previews are to be believed, we may get to witness that glorious event tonight. Network executives are both sickened and excited at the prospect of the ratings boost that last night's episode will receive from people tuning in to see blonde brains strewn across the East Blurgenblurgen town square. I'm sure it'll be a near miss, so those executives will be able to sleep soundly.
We begin this week with a reminder that the poor, stressed, Looney Lorena and Captain Commitment Jason were eliminated last week. As you'll recall, they were eliminated after getting slowed down by Team Dumbblonde after a U-Turn Twist was used. Everyone (meaning me) was shocked to discover that this last week wasn't a non-elimination round. This week HAS to be. Which means it won't be.
The teams are STILL in Africa. You know what's really fun about Africa? It's got both hot AND dry, together at last. I'm beginning to sense that AR producers are trying to use the race to make some sort of statement about the appalling conditions that others have to live under on a daily basis. Somehow having the Amazing Race in Africa will cure AIDS, but nobody is sure how yet. One hopes that a cure will come from repeatedly hitting blondes with buses. I bet no one has looked into it yet.
I miss Lorena already. There was so much potential for seeing her brain explode on national television. When I think of all the animals that they could have made her milk in future episodes, it boggles the mind. One week it could have been a rhino, the next a 62 year old Indian woman. It's practically its own show. Copyright! Call it Spilled Milk and the preview always shows someone crying.
Okay, anyway, we are back to Unpronounceable, Africa and Team Boring are the first ones out. Teams have to make their way to Vilnius, Lithuania. I'm sure Vilnius is a lovely place, but if I were the Vilnius Chamber of Commerce, I would look into changing the name to Happinius or Nothingevilgoingonhereius. Just something to think about Lithuania. We call it marketing, here in the states. For instance, did you know that New York City, isn't actually "new" at all? It used to be called What is That Smell Island, but then Rudy Giuliani became mayor and changed to New York City. Did you seriously not know that? Pick up a book Lithuania.
Beaker M from Team Boring is going to show us the dark side of sibling abuse before this race is over, mark my words. He really wants to hit his sister, you can see it in his eyes. I can somewhat relate to him, as my brother and I fought a good bit growing up. Once, when I was about ten or eleven, my brother ripped and shredded the tape from inside my New Kids on The Block cassette tape. We've had a pretty good relationship ever since, because frankly there's really no coming back from liking New Kids on The Block. I mean, we haven't made eye contact in 20 or so years, but all the psychiatrists will tell you that's perfectly healthy. Let us never speak of this again.
Jen is straight up cow-in-kitchen crazy. She wants first place so bad she can taste it. According to her they will "use their lust for winning as a ball of fire to rage through" the rest of the race. I have no idea what that means.
The Unpronounceablename airport isn't exactly O'Hare. I will not be the least bit surprised to see a large rubber band at the end of the runway.
Daddy from Team Daddy is wearing a new "Who's your Daddy" shirt. You know that Sissy is making him wear them and she thinks it's just a stitch. I remain entirely skeeved out. Sissy says that she's purposely constantly saying "I love you Daddy" just to freak her Dad out. He's the kind of guy that when you go to give him a hug he just kind of goes limp. But I'm sure he's right around a corner from changing into the daddy that she's always wanted. In a Wikipedia moment, Daddy confidently states that Lithuania makes great pastries. This is the kind of guy you get stuck talking to at a dinner party. "Ohhhh, pastries, you say. Well, I'll be..."
Kurt from Team Goth is all excited over getting to go to Lithuania. He says that he's always wanted to go Transylvania or Romania or someplace with spooky architecture. He's totally down with any of the "ia's" as nations in general. Is it even possible to give goths a bad name? Because I think he is.
Everyone is trying to get a flight out using the Internet port-a-potty near the airport. Burkina Faso has mastered the art of the one room building.
The blondes are worrying about getting to the RIGHT Burkina Faso airport. You know, because you can't spit without hitting another Burkina Faso airport. It's the hub of all air traffic East of Brrlehjerlk and West of Doiiriringkksdk.
The dirty hippie is pondering the race and has concluded that "competition is fierce." Dude. So true. So true. And like, what if the competition is a dolphin, man. And, and, like what if the goal of the competition is like tuna? And what if the tuna wasn't dolphin-safe? Do you see what I am saying? It's like, can you use the dolphin to get the tuna? Ya know? See man? Makes you think.
You can tell that this episode is going to be heavy on unnecessary airport drama. Someone tell the producers that watching people buy plane tickets isn't the most stimulating reality programming, please.
The dirty hippie is happy to be heading to Lithuania, because he can't wait to "scope out the scene. Gonna scope out other places." By which he means he wants to be high in as many different countries as possible.
Daddy is so clearly disgusted by his daughter. He says. "She is somewhat naive. I want to teach her how to deal with certain types of people." Oh sure. Because he could be teaching graduate-level-people-person skills.
More flight drama.
Team GG got hosed at the Air France counter because their reservations lady either didn't like them or just couldn't speaka de ingleesh. The Air France lady is giving tickets to whomever she wants, apparently. This is actually how things work at most airlines, unfortunately.
Shana from Team DB is worried about karma. Her teammate, Jenni, is treating people just like she would in her everyday life, which is to say, like they are beneath her.
Shani: "I'm so annoyed by what happened back there."
Jenni: "You should just not argue with me. I'm way more methodical than you."
Shani: "You're flattering yourself."
This is usually what happens when people who think they are hot begin to hang out together. They slowly begin to realize that the other person is just not that hot and was never smart and then they begin to think, "Hey, wait! Does that mean, I'M not that hot or smart?" Um, bingo.
The teams are split between three different flights from Paris to Lithuania. No room left on any of the Burkina Faso to Lithuania express shuttles, apparently.
Nate and Jen are the first ones to Vilnius. We need to see more of them, as they have been voted Most Likely to Punch Someone.
Shocking quote of the week from Team DB: How could we be this dumb?
Everyone driving around trying to find a church in Vilnius. It's difficult because Vilnius does not technically have streets and directions have not yet been invented there.
Queen of Hyperbole, Jen, says. "This is the most insane place I've ever dealt with in my life."
Road Block- Who's a Good Listener? Players have to act like Lithuanian messengers. Find and deliver a package to the right person and then deliver another package to the final destination. Lithuania must be proud that this is the best thing producers could come up with to represent their entire country. Lithuania: The Delivery Boy Capital of The World.
Jen and Nate are slowly slipping into hatred, which always starts with the too-sweet-sing-songy comments to one another. "Natey, c'mon!!!" and then "Jen, c'mon dude!". They are so lost that they've left the car and decided they're better off on foot. They are wrong.
Here's the bus scene! Shani and Jenni are totally lost on some back street in Vilnius and as Shani backs up to turn around, we get a view from the cameraman's perspective, out the side window, of a HUGE city bus barreling down on their car, going about 30 mph. Horn a-blazin'. That camera guy had to be thinking "I am going die today in Vilnius, Lithuania with two stupid blondes and I won't even be able to have an open casket funeral because this camera is about to be three feet up my nose. Not my day. Not my day at all."
Long story short, the bus didn't hit them, but man were they freaking out. This really is the best thing about reality television, because you get to see the real, actual reaction that people have in a situation like this, which is to panic. Shani saw the bus coming and knew she had to move, but she completely froze. It was like she was waiting for the bus to hit so that she could get jolted into action.
Shani's yelling at Jenni to calm down. Then Jenni pipes up with "Oh my God, a bus almost killed me, but I'm supposed to relax?" Well, no.
Daddy is still having trouble with his hernia.
Wow. Nate and Jen do not disappoint in this episode.
Nate: "I'm just saying it's a lot easier when someone isn't stressed out from the start."
Jen: (Snotty) "This is an absolute joke. Once again we're gonna look like idiots."
Nate: "I can't believe what kind of person you've turned into; it's the ugliest thing I've ever seen in my life."
Jen: "Same with you, Nate."
Keep in mind, most of that conversation was half-whispered, away from the camera. Easy to forget that the whole world can hear you WHEN YOU'RE WEARING A MIC.
Huh, it seems that Lithuania bases their town names on the sounds of sneezes. That's clever.
The dirty hippie has hooked up with a fellow pothead for some Lithuanian guidance. Hippies helping hippies. Triple H, baby!
Jen and Nate have completed the task and are now best friends again. Nate hugs Jen: "I am so proud of you!" They are psycho.
The blondes read the clue.
Shani: "Who's a good listener? I am."
Jenni: "I think I am. You misinterpret."
Cat Fight! Cat Fight!
In a bow to corporate sponsorship, all teams must search an abandoned village for a Travelocity gnome. This has become a somewhat standard challenge for the AR.
Detour- Count down or step up. Racers have to count pickets on a fence or stilt walk. These tasks that require detailed counting or minutia are so awesome. Getting people to count is so much harder than you'd think. Makes me giggle.
Seeing the wild village street carnival show in Lithuanian causes Kurt to state. "This is my favorite moment in this Amazing Race thus far. Vyxsin and I love to play dress up and they made us feel (air quote) normal." I think we all knew that they like to play dress up, but now I've got a million different disturbing images in my head, thanks a lot.
The blondes are not loving each other right now.
Daddy doesn't look great on stilts: "I don't want this hernia to pop out." Uh, ew.
Jen: "Stilts Nate? We're not doing stilts." Jen's the decider. So they're going to count pickets in a fence...
Jen: "I can do this so fast. Please just let me do it." Keep in mind that they both work on this task. But why would they want to do that, when obviously Nate would screw it up somehow and would probably try to have sex with the fence, because everyone knows he can't help but cheat on Jen?
There are 717 pickets, FYI.
The hippies finish this leg of the race in first! And they're happy. They win a 10 day trip to Japan. Where they can spend their stay in an opium den, I'm sure. In another insightful moment from the dirty hippie: "It just goes to show, you just never know what's going on in this race." Uhhh, okay?
So it turns out Jen has a bit of trouble with the counting thing after all. They have counted incorrectly twice now. It's obvious that it's Nate's fault. To her.
The blondes are still back searching for the gnomes in the village. They should do fine though, because Shani took charge, stating that they "just have search the parameter." Well sure, that's what I'd do too.
Sissy and Daddy have completed the stilt walk after some painful falls by Daddy. Sissy says, "I'm so proud of my Dad. He's my Superman." Sometimes when a girl says that, it's sweet. And sometimes it makes you gag and a chill runs up your spine. Is he your Superman? Are you Lois Lane in this scenario? You know Superman gave Lois the Supermeat, right?
Jen and Nate are still counting. Or at least Jen is...
Jen: "Nathan can you count in your head please?!!! Stop!!!!"
Nate: "I'm not stopping! (Jen slaps his hand off the picket as he counts) B!!! What are you doing???"
They've given up on counting pickets. As they walk away from the fence, Jen says, "I cannot believe that you are that mean that you had to call me that."
Of course they go to the stilts and pass in a few minutes.
Wow, counting really wasn't the way to go. Delicious.
Now the blondes are at the fence. This Jen wants to do it all herself too.
Shani: "Jen, you're so on a team of your own it's ridiculous. You just go ahead and count it and if you're wrong, it's all on you."
And it's wrong. Of course.
Awww, that means that the blondes are last. Because math is hard.
Shana and Jennifer have been eliminated. Shana is "heartbroken".
This week had a few inspirational moments, mostly provided by Nate and Jen. All you need to know about next week is that we've reach the stage that happens every season in the AR. The moment when the truth comes out in every relationship. Definitely tune in next week as Jen tells Nate:
"I hate you. I hate you. I hate you with a passion." Someone get the t-shirt presses warmed up.

A Look Back

Tomorrow, Saturday December 1st, is my 33rd birthday.
I am going to spend the day reflecting on what those 33 years have taught me. Maybe you can learn something from my foolishness. But I doubt it. One of the primary lessons that I've discovered over time is that there are small moments here and there, sprinkled sparingly as true love, that make me ache.
There are aches that make me hurt forever, like when my Dad put his heavy arm around my shoulder when I was 14, as we walked up to the casket at my Grandpa's funeral. It was the first time I'd been to a funeral of someone I really loved and for the entire day I couldn't sort out my emotions enough to grieve. I stayed to myself in a small parlor of the funeral home. I couldn't cry. I got angry with myself for my callousness. But late in the day, as my stomach twisted to knotted tears, my Dad came up to me and said, "Let's go say goodbye to your Grandpa." We started down the aisle, my Grandpa resting peacefully before us. As soon as my Dad's arm wrapped my shoulder, I began to cry. He squeezed a little, partially for me and partially for him. As we knelt before my Grandpa, I looked over at my Dad with his eyes shut in grief for his father-in-law and I realized that I am part of something. I am part of a world where people are not immortal. I am part of the joy and sorrow of all those around me. I am part of a family that loves each other, especially when the weight seems too heavy to bear alone.
Sometimes there are aches that drive deep into my core, like the hurt of discovering the person I love will never truly love me. The moment of realization pulled the breath out of my lungs, making me lightheaded and nauseous. It felt like the air would never return to completely fill me up again. I was deflated and hollow. When I was younger, I felt this ache. I remember looking at him, wondering why he didn't see what I felt. Wondering why he didn't care. Wondering how it was possible for me to feel such intensity and yet he could feel none. But the ache passed. Love comes to each of us again, and it is that which fills us up. I learned to look for it; look for the intensity in others that I'd hoped others would see in me.
I have felt the ache of love. It's a love that makes you want to shake strangers. The ache radiates within you. The ache that makes you want to hold your lover tighter. This ache is always with you.
So, after 33 years, I've learned to embrace the ache. Sometimes it's simple. Sometimes, it's difficult to see the road back from pain or love or anger or despair. The only thing of which I am certain is that when I do find my way back, I'm so much happier than when I left.

Purge The Cabin

As President of the Last One on the Train Club, I just now discovered the Urban Dictionary. Here are some of my favorite words to date:

Purge The Cabin- Rolling down the windows down on a vehicle for some fresh air, usually after one of the passengers has passed gas.
"Jason, that was foul! Purge the cabin before we suffocate in here."

Fake Take- Pretending to enter and store someones phone number into your mobile phone after they generously offer up their number and say "Take my number and give me a call sometime."
Jeff: Why did you take that loser's number and tell him you'll call him?
Chris: Don't worry dude, it was a "fake take".

Brain Grenade- A bottle of beer, due to its effect on the brain.
"The game's about to start, toss me a brain grenade."
"Heineken or Guinness?"

Cinematard- One who is completely lacking movie knowledge.
Heather: Hey Greta, wanna see the new Tom Hanks movie, Mission Difficult II?
Greata: Um, you mean the new Tom Cruise movie, Mission Impossible III? Girl, you are a real cinematard!

Tramp Stamp- A tattoo above a woman's butt crack.
"Her pants were so low cut, you could totally see her tramp stamp."

Dotcomrade- An Internet acquaintance; someone you chat with but have never met.
"So who's this NrdPowr32 guy?"
"I dunno. Just a dotcomrade of mine."

Peasantvision- Television channels you get without a cable or satellite TV subscription.
"I can't afford digital cable, but I still get some good shows with the rabbit ears on peasantvision."

Conswervative- A conservative politician or other public figure caught doing things that he or she denounced on record.
"Larry Craig is a conswervative, as is Ted Haggard."

Backseat Buyer- A person who gets excited over other people's future or current purchases. Usually an enthusiastic shopper for themselves as well. Can be used as an adjective or verb.
"I'm such a backseat buyer; I love helping my friends choose stuff as much as buying something for myself!"

Errorist- Someone who repeatedly makes mistakes. Says stuff he or she believes true, but anyone with common sense can see they are wrong.
"Bush is talking on TV again. What an errorist."

Typeractive- Someone who is overly talkative on emails or text messages.
"Man, Natasha should get a job. She's been texting me every two minutes. And there are ten emails in my inbox from her. She is way typeractive today."

Four

Due to NFL football running late again this week, the Amazing Race was pushed back nearly a full hour on the East Coast. Normally, I would "rage" against the "machine" that the "man" has created, inconveniencing me to the point of near-fatal sighing, but I am frankly too bloated from the food-fest of the last four days. Every time I try to rage, mashed potatoes lodge in my left ventricle, in what doctors have described as a "sticky situation". We all had a good laugh at that one down at the Cardiac Ward.
Anyway, this week is sure to be a letdown after last week's mind blowing insanity related to miking a camel. The previews promise more livestock interaction this week, but honestly, at this point you would have to give a prostate exam to a rhino to top camel milking.
The review from last week reminds us that Team Boring came in first and Team Salsa was eliminated. Both facts remain hard to swallow. Is it racist that the Latinas lost on a challenge about learning a new language and the black team won in Africa? Call your congressman to request a full inquiry.
Okay! Teams are off and running. Racers are informed that they will be getting 0 dollars to use on this leg of the race. If I do a quick calculation on the currency converter..yes, that will buy you a 4 bedroom house and 10 acres in Africa.
Beaker M from Team Boring says that they are slowed by Beaker F's "physical limitations". She takes offense, saying, "You make it sound like I'm retarded or something." The only possible physical limitation I see on her is a slight case of topheaviedness. It can kill- consult your physician.
The very first task is to get a chicken from the tribal chief and take it with you everywhere this leg of the race. No reason. It's just humorous to watch people carry a live chicken in a bag. No Chicken, No Check-In. Quality effort Amazing Race. Quality effort.
The head of Team Hippie says that they are just "takin' it easy" in the race. Methinks he envisions himself as the tortoise. I can think of no better animal to represent him, in truth. I kind of don't like this team, but I kind of want them to win.
It has been determined that Team Goth is going at Kurt's pace. He is good for something...let me see, what is it? Oh right. Nothing. Good for NOTHING. When the race ends and they win and they reveal that the guy is girl and girl is a guy, I don't think there's going to be a lot of shocked gasps rolling through the crowd.
Daddy (from Team Daddy) says that he feels vindicated by moving from last place to fifth. Vindicated? What does that mean? That the crappy way he treats his daughter and everyone else is now justified? He's a piece of work, this guy.
The Grandpa from Team Greatest Generation wants to get out and RUN! Oh wait, someone just told him he's 80. Time to walk.
As all the teams dart around trying to catch chickens that are running around like something with their somethings cut off, Sissy is worried that their chicken got its "toenail" caught in the netting of their bag. I can sense that Daddy is not pleased at her concern and wishes to strike her very much.
Team Dumbblonde really doesn't fit into Africa, per se. They would be a bad Waldo in this situation. Oh, THERE he is.
Everyone is on their way, but just as they get close to the detour, Beaker F needs a potty break. Beaker M is incensed! He is very close to breaking out a "gosh-darn".
The Detour- Shake Your Pan or Shake Your Booty. Teams have to either pan for gold or dance like a damn fool. The dance task is subjective and most be approved by the African Idol judges.
Jen says she has danced for the LA Clippers dance team, so she's confident hat her experience translates to this task in the middle of Africa.
Jason and Lorena are in last place, but Jason's got a can't miss strategy: Hope that another team makes a mistake and then don't make any mistakes themselves. When in doubt, go with hope. The Motto of the Screwed.
As anticipated, Jen may know how to dance, but Nate is a hot mess. The judges penalize them for having no creativity. They have to wait 10 minutes before trying again.
Grandpa says he used to be a miner. Somehow, that is supposed to help him with panning for gold? Ooookaaayyy.
Daddy is a wild dancer. Or, at least, he's one of those people who thinks he's being funny/goofy and instead it just kind of makes you die inside to watch? But Sissy makes sure to tell him, "Smile the whole time, Okay?" People shouldn't need to be reminded to smile. It's one of my pet peeves.
Aw man, Team Hippie are harshing hard on the dance steps. I bet it would help if they could SEE the music, man. You know, like with colors? Awwwwwwesoooooooommmme.
And now they're lost.
How did I know that Team Boring would have no rhythm? Oh, they passed the task on the first try.
U-Turn Twist! In a new game twist this year, teams have the option of U-Turning another team behind them, forcing the other team to perform BOTH previous tasks (in this case, shake your pan and shake your booty).
After Jen and Nate finally pass the dancing task, Jen says, "I am going to get so much crap from the dancing world when I get back." Yes, Jen, the dancing world is up in arms.
The Hippies are totally lost. I'm sure they will just treat it as a vision quest or something. However, I am sure there is a good chance they will die in a wild without some kind of African Doobage.
Daddy and Sissy are rubbing butt to butt in their dance. Ugh, so disturbing. The judges were not amused by their tribute to incest. 10 minute penalty.
Grandpa and Grandson finished mining really fast.
Jen says they're not going to use the U-Turn on another team because "we are going to win this race like friggin' men." Someone should tell her about having a woo-ha.
The female hippie (now no longer lost) must weigh all of 30 pounds. Still, I would say she needs to lose 5 pounds to make it on television.
Along with their dance, Kurt is going to "do a little improv too" to impress the judges. It worked! The judges loved/were scared of them.
And now Team GG is lost. Africa is like, big, ya'll.
Kurt says he appreciates how gracious the Africans have been to them, "We look like aliens that dropped out the sky or something, but they've been so warm." If there is one thing that Goths love, even more than being miserable, it's getting attention from Africans.
Team Dumbblonde are on all fours during their dance, for no discernible reason. Officially, the sluttiest version of the dance so far. Fortunately for them, two of the African judges are men. It was all but a lap dance. And now, they are turning on Jason and Lorena. One of the blondes (who can tell the difference?) says "it's wrong". But on the plus side, they love the picture of themselves that the Amazing Race provided.
The blondes "had no choice" but to use the U-Turn on Jason and Lorena. "Nobody's our friend. It's a race and we can win a million dollars." I have to say, I agree. It always makes me angry when teams don't use strategy because it's "bad karma".
Here's this week's livestock! Goat Market. Roadblock: Ride a bike with a goat and supplies to a local market. There goats are yelling like little babies. No matter what you do, you just can't stop the horrible screaming of the lambs.
Lorena and Jason are finally at the detour. Lorena says that "Puerto Ricans love to dance". You know what they don't like? Milking camels.
This leg of the race is boring the crap out of me. Someone hit someone!
"That was the most culture shock I've ever had." Jen says after riding through a pretty rough African marketplace. Because, you know, she had a LOT of culture shock, going from West Hollywood to Downtown.
The pit stop for this leg of the race is in Unpronounceable, Africa. I think this leg maybe have been tacked on for some reason, because they actually didn't GO anywhere. Lame. I'm getting very sleepy...
Now that Jen has completed the task of riding through the African marketplace, she in the cab with Nate. "Nate, don't touch me. I'm all hot. Don't touch." Then, remembering that he will cheat on her if she so much as sneezes, she says, "Okay, now you can. Okay, touch me...TOUCH ME!!" No insecurity there. Look at us America! We're in love!
Daddy is now ordering Sissy around in Korean (or whatever that language was), so that he doesn't look so bad to the TV viewing audience. A-hole is A-hole in any language, skippy.
Now one of the blondes is totally stressing about using the U-Turn. She's big into karma. You know, because of Earl.
This leg is so boring. Have I mentioned that yet?
Goats ram you, according to one of the blondes. Good to know if you are ever trapped in a goat ring.
Team Boring is the winner of the leg again. There's no stopping them. They win motor scooters for finishing first.
Jen and Nate came in a very close second for this leg. Jen said she "wanted it really bad. I just feel like everyone should have their time and they've had their time two times." So now she's complaining about Team Boring trying to be in first place. The NERVE of them trying to win something called THE AMAZING RACE.
Vyxsin is touched by the mess in Africa. She's getting her goth on. The weight of the world is heavy.
Bored!
The Africans are looking at the female hippie like she should put on some weight. How does someone who has to deal with the munchies that much not have fat on them?
Lorena has professed her love for Jason. Duh. And now she's crying. Jason says, "We'll make a million dollars another way. Don't worry baby." I'm sure "another way" involves prostitution, but why spoil this tender moment?
It's gotta be a non-elimination leg, right?
Jason tells Lorena, "Money doesn't make you wealthy, baby..." Uh, Jason? Yes, it does. Because with money, you can buy wealth. And love.
It IS an elimination leg. I'll be darned.
So Jason and Lorena are eliminated, meaning we will get no more opportunities to see her freak out. In review of what she's learned on the race, she's decided that she doesn't have to get married now. There's no need to rush into anything, according to her. Sure, it's only been five years-no need to crazy and jump headlong.
In a classic bit of male relationship justification, Jason says, "I'm down for any adventure. There some kind of confinement within a marriage that you can't have when you're free. When two people are free, you can have a deeper kind of love, because you don't have to be together." Um, huh?
Okay! That's it for this week. According to the previews for next week, the blondes get hit by a bus.
Yeah, I'll tune in for that.

Thanksblogging

I am thankful for bloggers. All bloggers, great and small. All bloggers that expose a piece of themselves to a world that they don't always know and rarely understand. Most of us are looking for people to share an experience. We are here to preach from our pulpits, uncensored. If you laugh or cry or remember a long-forgotten memory or are moved to take action or are reminded of that which is good in your life, then blogging has been successful for yet another day. And life gets a little easier to bear.
I am thankful for Emily, whom you can all blame for getting me into writing down my thoughts for the world to hear. She is a good friend, a great new Mom, and a sweet soul.
I am thankful for Scottie, who is makes me feel like a part of his family life through his art. He is artistic in both storytelling and action.
I am thankful for Sarah, who puts her emotions out for everyone to see and publicly asks some of the life questions that you are probably wondering yourself. Even if it is just as simple as educating those who do not yet have newborn babies.
I am thankful for Ginny, for coming to her senses and getting into the blogging game. I linked her up immediately, because I know that she is going to post something interesting. Go read her now.
I am thankful for my brother Ross and Photodork, whose absolutely gorgeous photography and pictures are inspirational. Go look trough his site, it'll make your day better.
I am thankful for Wendy, who is a genuinely caring person who makes an excellent life-long friend. She has brought something special into the world in more ways than one.
I am thankful for Kelly, for living a life that is noteworthy enough to write about in a consistently interesting and enriching manner. She is wise beyond her years and cooler than you in every way.
And finally, I am thankful to all of you who read this site. It means a lot. If I didn't include you in the list above, it doesn't mean I love you any less. I appreciate your comments and emails and I hope you have a great Thanksgiving. Now go back and actually look at the sites that I've linked.
You'll be glad you did.

Three

Are you excited? Because I'm excited. I'm not gonna lie. I can't say for sure why I so love seeing people completely snap and lose their tenuous grip on reality. But I do know that it is the very reason why reality television was created. Because as much as we love to see a good sit-com or a gripping drama, it's so much more fun to see a person nearly crap themselves in exasperation. And that is The Amazing Race in a nutshell: The Promise of People Crapping Themselves in Exasperation. It should be in all the advertising.
But let's not get ahead of ourselves.
Week 3 begins with a review of last week, wherein my personal favorite team of gay clergywomen was eliminated.
Okay! Here we go. You can use your whole couch, but you'll only need THE EDGE. Wait, they're still in the Netherlands? I could have sworn they moved on from there. You know what overnight in Amsterdam means? Team Dirty Hippie is going to be totally baked.
It seems that sometime last week Daddy gave himself a hernia, probably through the constant berating of his daughter. Thankfully, we have been given a clip of the doctor telling him, "I have pushed the tissue back into the abdomen." Guurrrpprrghghppph.
And this leg of the race has officially begun, with Jason and Lorena in first place.
The first clue states that teams must get on to the first flight to Unpronounceablename, Africa. The trick is that Africa is a big place (almost as big as Texas, I once heard) and nobody knows where Unpronounceablename is, exactly.
You really want to root for Jason, don't you? With his sweet nothings that he tells the camera? Like that Lorena reminds him of the girl from The Exorcist? I can see why she's holding out for him to decide to marry her maybe someday when he's ready. He's a catch.
Jen from Team 273.5 says that sometimes she hates Nate, her boyfriend. She's not very nice, but she says she's been working at it. I'm not sure if that means she's working to be more of bitch or less of one. It remains an unsolvable mystery why he cheated on her.
The blondes from Team Dumbblonde continue to worry more about their appearance than their place in the race. It's a risky strategy.
Major Earth Shattering Revelation of The Week: The Goth female, Vyxsin, has just stated that she takes on some of the "typically masculine roles" in the relationship. Shocking.
Okay, so none of these teams has a clue where Unpronounceablename, Africa is. I don't either, but I do know how to use the stinkin' Internet.
Ah, we've discovered it's in Burkina Faso. Wait, wasn't Burkina Faso in designing women?
Team Boring are originally from Ethiopia. Or so they say. I don't know if they mean, like historically from there or born there. Because they look more like they're from just outside of San Diego to me.
Here's our first clue that Team Dirty Hippie may have picked up some brownies in Amsterdam: The dude just said that they are not allowing things to "freak them out" too much. Plus, man, they can totally take that unicorn standing over there to Burkina Faso. Wash your hair, dreadlock!
The Grandpa who stripped down to his jockey underwear last week, just said he's "letting it all all hang out" in the race. Ew. Also, he's 69 years old. 69 is the new 67 1/2.
Oh Lord. Daddy, from Team Daddy, has a new "Who's your Daddy" t-shirt on. It's creepy in every color of the rainbow. He says he's learned his lesson after the terrible way he treated his daughter in the last round. Says he needs to be more "uplifting". That's one way to put it. Or you could say, "I need to stop being such a dill hole."
The Dirty Hippie is excited to go to Africa. He'll commune with a giraffe or something. He's basically excited to go anywhere that doesn't require him to shower.
Ugh, I hate it when they play up these airport maneuvers. There's not exactly hourly flights to Unpronounceablename, Africa! You'll all be on the same plane!
Daddy and Sissy (my new name for her) have to run to get their flight. I fear that Daddy's hernia is gonna kill him.
After much unnecessarily tense music, everyone is in flippin' Unpronounceablename, Burkina Faso, Africa.
One of the dumb blondes worries aloud about being sold to people for money in Africa. Not that it would really be a change from her normal routine, but the street names would be really different.
Hey! Everyone takes the train to Bingo, in the middle of Nowhere, Africa. They have to wait to get on the train until the morning. It's not exactly high-speed rail, this Bingo train.
The Blondes are not exactly comfortable around people with dark skin on a train that isn't really sporting air conditioning. Or put more succinctly by one of the blondes, "These people bring flies."
The "male" Goth, Kurt, just asked his girlfriend to help him off the train. He's going to need a parasol before the race is over.
Road Block! Milk a camel enough to fill a bowl and then drink that milk. If you're camel "runs dry", you have to wait for a camel to become available from a team that has finished the challenge. The card says that teams need to "be mindful that camels are sensitive to loud noises and fast movements." They're basically large cats with humps. And utters. That spit.
Jennifer helpfully yells to Nathan, "You have to be gentle, you're handling nipples". So no hooking the utters up to a car battery like she likes.
Some teams appear to have just gotten particularly milky camels. I've seen it a million times. They have to want to milk. It helps if you blow in the camels ear first. Maybe give it a hoof massage.
The Dirty Hippie is finished milking already! Ooop-he's having some trouble drinking it, however. Says it's a little "gritty." C'mon. Who would LOVE a nice tall glass of warm, gritty camel milk? Maybe with some OrneryO's? Mmmmm. He's probably just pissed off that fresh-squeezed camel milk isn't hallucinogenic.
I am somewhat unsurprised that the blonde from Team Dumbblonde has no trouble tugging on a camel.
Vyxsin has finished and Kurt told her to make sure to swallow every drop. Several teams have finished and are on their way to the next challenge. They're going the wrong way. Nobody cares. Because Lorena is about to blow.
I really hope you had a chance to watch this. Lorena keeps trying to milk what very well could be a male camel and any liquid that she's getting has been knocked out of her hands AT LEAST five times by the camel. It's physical comedy at it's finest. And finally, the breakdown. In full, hysterical, child lost in a shopping mall shriek:
"Baby, there NO MORE MILK! THERE'S NO MORE MIIIILLLLL(stroke)LLLLLKKKKK!!!!!!!!" (There is not enough exclamation points here. There are not enough exclamation points in the history of exclamation points.)
Lorena again:
"MIIIILLLKK!!! Baby!!!"
And now in prayer:
"Please Lord, give me some milk."
And now a different camel has kicked her.
"AAAGGHHH!!! He hit me!!"
Most of the rest of the teams are on to the Detour: Teach it or Learn it. Teams can either try to teach non-English-speaking African children 10 English words or learn 10 African words as a team.
Of course, Team Boring will choose the African words, because they probably learn Quantum Physics in their sleep. They definitely took that "Reading is Fundamental" stuff to heart growing up.
"It doesn't take a brainiac to memorize 10 words" according to Beaker F of Team Boring. She's right, of course. If you're talking about English words.
The weather is getting nasty. Big African storm rolling in. Great, AFRICA, is getting more rain than the southeastern United States. The thunder made one of the camels hop a few times. Awww, cute. Can I have one?
Lorena is STILL trying to milk this damn camel. This is just like the saying- "You can't squeeze water from a rock", except the water is milk and the rock is a, you know, camel. If you follow the analogy. It's complex. Give it sec.
And the camel just kicked the milk out of her hand. Again. If she had a machete, she would go all Apocalypse Now on this camel, I swear to you.
Brother and sister Team Boring have boringly won this stage. And, because they're in first, they've won a romantic five night trip to Bermuda. For two. Not creepy at all.
The spicy Latinas are still trying to get milk too! They better not lose. That's why there's such a terrible storm. The Amazing Race has angered the Gods!
Lorena's camel has just kicked the milk from her bowl AGAIN. Oh. Oooohhhh. Wait for it...wait for it....
*PLINK*
Aaannd there's the sound of Lorena's brain snapping in two. Now here's the primal scream.
AAAHHHHHHHHHHGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!
And she's dropped to her knees, a spent pile of mush. She's not even screaming now. It's all just grunts.
As she's leaving one of the Spicy Latinas tells Lorena to get milk from one the camels that has a baby camel near it. Anyone who watches the Amazing Race knows that this kind of kindness will only get you eliminated.
So, of course, Lorena finally does get a camel to give her enough milk.
Lorena asks Jason, in a tender moment, "Do you still love me?" He responds, "Of course, I still love you!" I mean, not enough to marry you.
At Teach it or Learn It-Jason tells Lorena, "We can learn African!! You know languages!!" You know, because she's Hispanic. And later she can make you a burrito.
The spicy Latinas got PASSED by Jason and Lorena. They're gonna be in last. HOW IS LORENA NOT IN LAST PLACE???? Lorena and Jason are in at second to last. Lorena breaks down at the end, saying "I didn't milk the camel right,"
Jason tells Phil that is why he loves Lorena, "She's passionate about life, she passionate about love, she's passionate about this race....and she's passionate about pleasing me." Um, yeah. That's pretty much the way I was picturing the situation, but thanks for laying it out so specifically there.
Lantinas are eliminated. The race has officially gotten uglier.
Well, that's it for this week. Although much of the spiciness is gone, but at least we have hope of another Lorena breakdown at some point.

Rise of the Fall

Once again, I'm in the midst of my biannual eruption. Every Spring and every Fall my face breaks out like I've been subjected to hourly Crisco facials. Which I suppose would be fine, if I wasn't 32 years old. I got to thinking about why this is happening. I mean, if it's just a change in the temperature, why doesn't it happen when I travel to colder or warmer climates? It just doesn't make sense.
My guess is that there is a far more sinister biological force at play here. You see, not only do Spring and Fall bring a change in foliage, they also bring two important life events: Homecoming and Prom. And the dances that accompany each.
See, it's a plot. Is what it is.
That's right, it's my contention that my body is still programmed to burst into the most repulsive specimen possible at this critical time, in order to ward off the opposite sex. It certainly was true during my adolescence and apparently nobody told my glands to knock it off.
So why is my body still acting this way? It's very frustrating, because aside from being annoying, it's also giving me vicious flashbacks. I do not need this trauma in my life. I've consumed massive quantities of alcohol in order to block this pain and I will not have my efforts go in vain!
I think the only smart thing to do is don a ski mask and go get really, really drunk until Winter.

Update- I went to the dentist this morning and HE even commented on my skin. He thought they had used a different toothpaste and it had gotten on my face. Do they make ski masks in variety of colors and it is just a standard black?

Episode Two

Week two of the Amazing Race begins with a standard review of the prior week. All the competitors looked so bright-eyed and hopeful, didn't they? It's so easy to forget how much we truly dislike the ones we love, until we're forced to spend extended periods of time in a car with them looking for the Haggerllegecc town square in the middle of Leprechaun, Ireland.
All the competitors are raving about how surprised they are with the great effort from the Goths (Team Aynnoyyingg). They're not mentally retarded, people, they just dye their hair. The point is, you can never underestimate the freaks. Of course, it's only a matter of time before they're forced to withdraw due to a bad case of the Blahs. Goths in general are suffering from the Blahs at horrifying rate. I blame the war and Robert Smith eating the rest of the Cure.
Christina totally creeps me out with her Daddy issues. Someone get her a Hello Kitty to cuddle.
Beaker M and Beaker F are the first to depart. They bring nothing exciting to this race. There is some speculation that they are a tad closer than a brother and sister should be. I guess that could be fun to watch. Like if they get a little too excited after a victory and share a kiss. Could be awkward for Phil.
Everyone heading to Amsterdam!
The dirty hippie just said that his relationship with Rachel is 90% more important than the Amazing Race. That's a man who does not have his priorities straight.
Nate says, "We're getting along now, but just wait until we hit a wrong turn."
Team Dumbblonde says that "it's creepy driving at night." Shani is quite disturbed that none of the pit stops have been at a hair and nail salon.
Daddy is already upset at his greatest disappointment in his life, his daughter. She forgot her fanny pack and he is about to have a stroke. Of course she shouts, "Sorry Daddy!!"
How much do I love Team Jesus? Pat said, "We have no illusions that God even cares if we win the Amazing Race." Why is it always the gay clergy that has their head on straight?
Team Greatest Generation has gotten a flat tire right out of the gate. Haven't even made it to the airport yet. Of course, Grandpa is in total control of the flat tire situation.
"Kynt runs around like he's on speed." Gee, that could be because HE IS.
It's becoming fairly clear why Christina has her daddy issues. He's not the most pleasant person in the world.
Flight drama! The Daddy is going to get into a shoving match with the grandson from Team GG. It's always good to shove someone while explaining that he needs to calm down. Really gets the point across. Baby, why do you make me hit you?
Man, the Dirty Hippie cannot WAIT to get to Amsterdam. Like sending a kid to candy store.
Pat from Team Jesus is a cancer survivor? How can you not love this team?
Team Salsa are in last place.
Yes, that "Who's Your Daddy Shirt?" shirt is beyond creepy. What does that even MEAN in this context?
What is wrong with Kurt's voice? It's like an effeminate soprano helium balloon. Only more annoying.
Team Boring is the first train to Amsterdam. They can read a map, which puts them light years ahead of most of these dill weeds.
Challenge: Furniture Moving. Up the side of a building with hand tied ropes. Or...search trough hundreds of bikes in a parking garage to find the pair that match your card.
Vyxsin from Team Aynnoyyingg just said that she would tie the knots because she used to macrame and knows knots. Okay, so now I like her. He's still a complete tool.
One of the blonds from Team Dumbblonde firmly stated, "My arm muscles are one of the strongest parts of my body."
The dirty hippie just showed up in Amsterdam. Now that I look closer, his girlfriend is also a dirty hippie. Man, you can tell that he needs to score before the challenge. He's asking one of the movers if he's "Holden Caufield". Wink, wink.
Jen has had enough of Nate's incompetence as a man. She's got such a sunny personality, it's hard to believe he cheated. "Nate for the life of himself cannot tie a knot," Jen says confidentially to the camera.
About half the teams have finished the challenge and are waiting for the same bus. Oops, the Goths missed the bus. Team Boring went from first to fifth because they looked from the bikes instead of doing the movers challenge.
Wow, the hippies are really bad movers. Dirty Hippie is totally harshing. Can a brother just score some righteous bud? Hippie Rachel CAN tie a knot, as her brains aren't on drugs. She passes the challenge for them.
Roadblock: A Norwegian "sport" called Ditch Vaulting. Or Dutch Vaulting. Really, does it matter? The point is to cross a (let's call it) fjord in a single vault from side to side.
The one blond from Team Dumbblonde does NOT want to break nail.
Oh my God, my husband is laughing his ass off because Jen from Team 273.5a crashed hard into the ditch. He seriously can't get his breath. It's fun to see beautiful people fail. The cherry on the top was the dutch judge shouting "NO GOOD!" when she ate it. Awesome. I bet Nate is going to be very supportive and patient though. Oops, I guess not.
Dugerdam is the pit stop. I'm pretty sure that name is made up.
Jen is a gracious competitor: "That freaking little bitch did it!"
Team NoWeddingBells are team number one. As a reward, they win bikes. I'm sure they didn't want an exotic trip somewhere. Sure, a bike. Nice.
Team 273.5a is in second and will live to strangle each other another day. Team Dumbblonde is in third.
The daddy is SO ANNOYING. The daughter says she just wants to them to "stay positive". His response, "Don't give me this crap about positive vibes getting you through". He's obviously an expert on staying positive, so she should just shut her mouth.
Marianna: "Mr. Miyagi runs like the wind, so we have to hurry". Everyone is learning not to like Daddy.
Revelation from Kurt: "I'm not one of those get down and dirty boys, I'm kind of prissy". I will alert CNN to this breaking story.
Beaker F is covered head to toe in mud on her first try across the fjord. Amazing Race has a long history of making people muddy and miserable. Kudos on continuing the streak.
Kurt is not really an athlete, per se.
Oh Lord, the Grandpa is going to ditch jump. Ominously, the grandson states, "That decision may be a decision that's going to cost us." YA THINK?!!??
Daddy is worried about their team "vacillating". " I let you loose on this thing and you disappointed me." This guy is quite the charmer, isn't he?
Kurt made it across! Finally! Now I kinda want them to do well.
Grandpa is not so much with the ditch vault. It's really a younger man's sport. Oh Dear God! GRANDPA IS STRIPPING!!! I repeat, Grandpa is stripping! He's too covered in mud to jump, so he has to shed clothing. An official "No Comment" from the grandson. You go into the race hoping for a lifetime of memories and you come out seeing your grandpa naked. You need to win the million dollars just to pay for the therapy. That's why the Amazing Race has the word amazing right in the title, people!
Team Goth just finished and Kurt totally missed a high five with Vyxsin.
Grandpa is now in his underwear, jumping. Still hasn't made it over the fjord. The grandson: : "That one had promise". It didn't. Okay! The grandpa finally made it across. The grandson said, "He made it, showing that frustration and anger pays off in the end". Amen, brother. I've been telling people that for years.
So much drama from Team Daddy. I can't even get into it; I'm drained. Let's just say they should break up and change their phone numbers.
Damn it! Team Jesus are officially in last place and have been eliminated. Man, I love them to death. So sweet. All reality shows should end with older lesbian clergy kissing. That'd show the terrorists.
Oh. My. Gosh. The previews for next week show Lorena having the kind of complete break from sanity for which the Amazing Race has become famous. I am already predicting, based on the previews alone, that she will be giving us this season's catch phrase, "Baby, there's no more milk!!", as she is trying to milk a camel.
Seriously people, call your friends, duct-tape your grandma to the chair, next week's episode is a can't miss. Don't make me tell you again!!

Bargaining with God

I haven't written about my struggle with infertility all that much on this blog because of my own issues about going public with a very painful and private subject, but JMB and I both have a deep faith in God. We have reminded each other throughout this whole ordeal that God has a plan for our family and we just have to trust in him. Except... Sometime it's difficult for me to accept that God's plan may be different than mine. I am always afraid that God's plan is much, much different than my plan. Yes, it's always easy to trust in God- when I agree with him. It's when his plan is vastly different from mine that we have a problem.
During my freshman year in college, I rushed a sorority. All my friends got in and I didn't. I was absolutely devastated, but I survived. The following year, foolishly, I decided to rush again. I figured with more of my friends in the sorority, I would have a better chance. Even though I really didn't want to be in the sorority itself anymore; I just wanted to have more time with my friends. And even though there was a tiny voice inside me that said I shouldn't do it. Well, I rushed, and got cut in the second round. In my opinion, that was God's way of saying to me, "Well, if you aren't going to listen to me that this isn't the right thing to do, then I'm going to have to take action myself."
The summer after graduating from college, I was debating whether or not to break up with my boyfriend of more than two years. I know sometimes he didn't treat me right, but I thought I loved him, and I wanted to get married. I decided to weather the storm. A month later, HE broke up with ME. Again, God took matters into his own hands because I wouldn't take a hint.
Now, I'm trying-again-to figure out what his plan is. I analyze every possible sign, all the while knowing deep down that the ways of God can never be truly understood by humans. I have been prepared for the possibility of adopting my entire life. My backup plan has always been to adopt an Asian baby. Does this mean God has been preparing me for that path? I don't find anything wrong with adopting, but if that is my path, that means I am still several years away from having a child! Thy will be done-but only if it's also MY will.
I've also been anxious about this next cycle. I'm almost done with the Provera and am expecting a cycle day one next week. Then 150mg Clomid to follow a few days later. The hormones make me crazy! I fear that my ovulation problems (or lack thereof) will still be plaguing me, or that even if by some miracle I ovulate, I still won't be able to get pregnant. This morning on my drive to work, I was filled with a sudden peace and relief in remembering that God is charge and he'll make sure everything is OK.
But what does OK mean?

20/15

Yesterday I went to the optometrist or ophthalmologist or gynopthatometrist or whatever he's called for the ten month followup of my Lasik surgery.
After all the basic tests, the assistant had me read the eye chart, one eye at a time, to find the smallest line that I could read. She began with the 20/20 line on each eye and then flipped down to the 20/15 line. I got all of the letters on the 20/15 with each eye. I then looked at her, squinting, and told her the washing machine instructions for the shirt she was wearing.
The doctor came in and he said, "Well, there's not much I can tell you. I don't want you to get a big head or anything, but you're better than perfect."
"Oh, I hear that all the time!" I explained.
He laughed and then I told him the entire contents of the refrigerator on the other side of the exam room.
After I left, I called my Mom to tell her how the checkup went.
Me: The doctor told me that I'm better than perfect
Mom: I'm pretty sure he was just referring to your eyes.
Me: Whatever. Don't deny the truth. The man went to school for like seven years and he has confirmed what we've all know for some time- Better. Than. Perfect.
Mom: Greeaaaat. That's all we needed. A professional opinion. (Sigh).
Me: It's only a matter of time before I'm shooting lasers from my eyes, so don't cross me woman.

Amazing Race-Episode One

I shall attempt to provide the world with a detailed play-by-play of every episode of The Amazing Race this season. One would assume that it will serve as a the chronicle of record for future generations. It should be noted that I will be eating M&Ms while typing this. And also "working" on a spreadsheet for my boss. None of this should shock regular readers. As if those exist.
But now, on to the show!! Let us being the season with the official Amazing Race Prayer, which I may or may not be making up this very second.

Dear Phil,
Please let thine most divine majesty light the way for our noble racers. And as often as possible, cause the souls of the wayward and troubled travelers to turn back as a coal miner's lung. May Fathers continue to ignore their daddy-obsessed Daughters. May homosexual life partners make seemingly innocent references to "How thick the Bush is in South Africa." May an estranged girlfriend shriek incoherently as her boyfriend calmly explains what a stupid girl he believes her to be. And please, let there be an Ox.
In Phil's name we pray, Amen.

We begin in LA, home to all that is righteous and pure. As in the Divine Comedy, we must take the journey through Hell, beginning here. Starting at the Playboy mansion. Classy touch CBS.
A quick review of the teams:

Kynt and Vyxsin- Goth lovers, as if you couldn't tell by the clever spelling of their names. Let's hope that in some country in which they are traveling, they are prized for their pelts and shot. Henceforth known as Kurt and Suxsyn-Team Aynnoyingg.

Nathan and Jennifer- This boyfriend/girlfriend team shows the most promise for real physical violence. If you you wish hard enough, magic can happen! He cheated on her, but I'm pretty sure he just slipped on a bad patch of ice and landed in some other woman's lap. Totally not his fault and she should take him back. To be called Jen and Nate-Team 273.5a.

Ronald and Christina- Father/Daughter team. Obligatory daddy-obsessed Daughter, this time with Asian spice. After a certain age, women should not refer to their father as "Daddy" and that age is 12. An exception can be made if the daughter is really drunk and trying to stay out of rehab. To be referred to as Ron and Christina-Team Daddy.

Shana and Jennifer- Even more more obligatory hot blonde friends who aren't that hot. The Amazing Race loves to put marginally attractive, bottle-blondes on every season, because this show is seen around the world and we have stereotypes to live up to. Will be called Team DumbBlonde, Shani and Jeni.

Azaria and Hendekea- Brother/Sister team. They are scientists working in the field of figuring out which once is which. What happened to people named Stan and Betty? I cannot be bothered to type their whole name each time, especially since there is no way of knowing which name goes with which person. They will be called Team Science- Beaker M (Male) and Beaker F (Female).

Jason and Lorena- Jason's a bit of a commitment-phobe, in the sense that he would like very much to continue putting it in Lorena, as long as she doesn't talk. Because it's tricky to put that into the actual vows, there is no wedding date set. Lorena is a crier, I'm calling it right now. Let's call them Team NoWeddingBells, Jason and Lorena.

Nicolas and Donald- Grandson/Grandfather. Donald is essentially being described as an outspoken elderly gentleman, which is code for Racist Coot. Nicolas is the guy you bring home to your parents, so they think you have nice friends. Nicky and Donny are Team Greatest Generation or Team GG.

Ari and Staella- "Best Friends" and co-workers. Ari is our resident sassy gay this year. Sorry to out you Ari, but the headband is a bit a of a giveaway. Staella works with him. My hope is that, in a shocking mid-season twist, Staella turns out to be a man, because it's a MAJOR Amazing Race faux-pas to not have a team of two volcanically gay men. Team Queen will be Ari and Stella (Just spell it like everyone else!)

Marianna and Julia- Spicy Laaateeenas. I can't tell, but based on cultural stereotypes, I am going to assume that they are spicy. I have nothing bad to say about these two, yet. Mari and Jules are Team Salsa. They know why.

TK and Rachel- Couple who have been dating for almost one year. TK is a dirty hippie and Rachel looks like she is a fan of taking showers. TK and Rachel are an odd couple, kind of like Bert and Ernie. I'm not a huge fan of dudes going by initials. OJ has proven that they usually end up gutting you like a carp. Something to think about Rachel. Bert and Ernie are Team Muppet.
Kate & Pat- Gay Clergy. OKAY! Now we're talking turkey, people. You've gotta love lesbians who say, "I'm out of the closet and I'm Jesus-Approved!" Kate and Pat will be Team Jesus.

Now back to the race...
There is something within me that wants to like the Goths, but they're such posers. The part of me that wants to dislike them is just too strong. They just said that the Goth lifestyle is a celebration of beauty and art. PUH-LEAAAZE. It's a celebration of your desperate attempt to get attention, uglore. "We're like real life comic book characters!" Yeah, except that people like comic book characters.
Ohh, Jen has "trust issues" with Nate just because he cheated on her. Well, at least you put your foot down, Jen and firmly told him that you won't put up with it more than one or two dozen more times. For his part, Nate says it was one of the biggest mistakes of his life. One assumes he meant the getting caught part and not the sex part.
They actually have the brother/sister team looking at beakers in their intro. I think I need to change their name to Team Boring. Lorena from Team NoWeddingBells has been waiting three years to get married to Jason. Keep waiting Lorena, I'm sure he is about to crack.
I just love the term "Gay Clergy". I'm guessing my grandma is sitting at home thinking, "Oh, that's so nice that they have happy clergy on the show." They have declared they will be devious to win if necessary, saying they are "Not wimps for Jesus." Amen, sistas! Flaming dude Ari just said that in order to win, he will back stab you. I don't think that was in doubt. Team DumbBlonde just said they would use their bodies however they need to win. The shocking revelations continue.
The race consists of 11 legs, for those of you new to the process. As always, 3 legs (known only to producers) will be non-elimination. I love this show. I love Phil.
GO!
First stop, everyone has to get a flight to Shannon, Ireland. They JUST STARTED and already Christina said, "Alright, Daddy! This is it!" Ugh. Creepy.
I really think Ari might be gay.
Team Salsa just said they are "loud and verbal". The mind boggles.
Oh no, which way to go to the airport????
I would never stereotype Asian drivers, but Team Daddy can't drive. And can she sit any straighter? Who drives like that??!!? One senses she doesn't want to slouch or she may bring eternal shame upon her father.
Team Boring's Beaker M just sighed and said "...women and directions" after his sister got them lost on the FIRST TURN of the whole game. I'm sure he'll jury rig up a GPS out of toothpicks and Juicy Fruit. But boringly so.
Team Boring and Team Daddy have aligned to form a most boring and sad alliance ever. Somebody slap someone!!
Delayed flights! Amazing Race standard!! Now everyone is in Ireland and they've all got to catch a ferry.
The goth team just referred to themselves as little goth energizer bunnies. That works for me, I hate the energizer bunny too. My dislike just keeps going and going and going.....
It has begun! Nate from Team 273.5a just turned around and yelled at Jen, "Oh, my God, I can't stand this! You are the worst person I've ever meet at this!!" Not even a day in and we can start taking odds. I'm laying the over/under on 4 episodes before she is tasting the back of his hand. He just said, "I can't carry your bag the whole way! The other women aren't having any problems!" She stormed off, "Don't compare me to other girls!!" Rock solid foundation, built on love, people. Nathan "loves her so much". This race is "the hardest thing she's ever had to do". After one day, most of which was on an airplane.
Over a hill now to the next challen...GRANDPA'S DOWN!! REPEAT! GRANDPA'S DOWN!! CHECK FOR SNIPERS!!!
Oh wait, he's up. Team DumbBlonde are over this race. They just need to hug each other. For a long time. Slowly.
The next challenge is riding a tandem bike up a muddy trail. Emotions are "uncontrollable" all of the sudden. Lorena is a WRECK. Oop, her head just exploded. Ooooo-the chain broke on the goths' bike. Now they have to push it.
Road Block- High wire bike. They have to ride a specially rigged bicycle across a wire while the teammate hangs below them, over a gorge. I'm not doing the description justice. It's making my palms sweaty just watching. I'm not a bit "heights" person. No, thank you. My butt is at clench factor 50.
Goth chick will not look down. Goths don't look down. That's just what "the man" wants.
One of the idiots from Team DumbBlonde just said, "let's not harp on things". IN IRELAND. Harp. Ireland. You can't script this stuff, people. Team Muppet is in first place. He thinks he's actually flying. Whoa, man, this is totally cosmic.
Onto a challenge with donkeys and peat. That's a smell combo that Tide isn't going to get out anytime soon. At least we've fulfilled our livestock quotient for this week.
Nate and Jen are really in love. No wait, I mean the opposite of that.
Donkey just took out a fence. Awesome. Runaway donkey!
Nate and Jen's donkey will destroy them. It just won' t move. "I don't know what's wrong with him..." Unsure if Jen is talking about the donkey or Nate. Nathan's about to cry. He says this is the most miserable thing he's done in his life. Not loving the donkey situation, these two. Donkey will cost Nate the race.
Team Boring wins this leg of the race. They throw their pocket protectors up carefully in joy. And for being first, they will a trip to Canada. Perfect! If there's one thing I know about black people, it's that they love a good Canadian vacation.
Team Daddy have this episode's very special moment: They are both so worried about letting each other down and the daughter says, "You never disappoint me" to Daddy. He said, "Thank you. What was your name again?" Kidding. Oh, now the Dad is getting weepy. Says he didn't want to disappoint her. Everyone hug and be quiet already.
Ari is going to kill his donkey. And that's not even a euphemism for anything.
Nate and Jen FINALLY get their donkey moving and skip in at #10 of 11 teams. Thank the Lord . I need those two in the race.
Ari and Stella are last. So much for the sassy gay.
Alright! That's it for the AR season premiere. If I haven't ruined my fingers from typing this 3,000 page summary, I may even write about some other stuff this week. I know you're thrilled.

A Room With A View

We are happy to report that Wrigley has entered phase two of recovery from his first knee surgery. Which means that he is now confined to a room without any furniture. Given that we've just recently dedicated an entire room to him that had been primarily patrolled by Tabitha, there has been a bit of an adjustment period. Primarily, I speak of the Cold Wars.




: So The Large Ones have brought you to my domain, I see. This will not stand. You are unwelcome here, Outlander.





: Huh? What? Do you have food?








: Ah, yes. Playing dumb, are we? Well, I am on to your scheme, infiltrator.







: So, then...you don't have food? Is that what I'm hearing?







: SILENCE!!








: What, if I may be so bold as to ask, does your butt smell like? Wait! No need to answer! I shall find out for myself.





: You are quickly raising my activity level from wild, unbridled indifference to slight, nearly imperceptible annoyance, Outlander.









: This seems like the best possible time to chase you for no reason whatsoever.







: You sneaky bastard!!






: Ok! Chase time is over. Could you please wait for just a moment while I lick myself in unmentionable places?






: On this we can agree. Let us both lick endlessly on our tasty privates.






Little known fact: This is the conversation Reagan and Gorbachev had in Reykjavik, nearly verbatim. We can learn so much from our domesticated animals.

Dude Looks Like A Lady

Living on the edge, indeed. Ladies and gents, Joe Perry:

(Steven Tyler looks more and more like an aging socialite with a botox addiction, but that's hardly surprising. I'd be more horrified if he didn't look like he was wearing women's clothing from the Macy's junior department.)

Joe, Joe, Joe. What's with the headdress? Look, headdresses in general are very difficult to pull off, and truly remain the domain of Vegas showgirls, actual Native Americans in tribal gear, or Cher (who really embodies the first two groups in one fabulous, bedazzled wax figurine-like person). For another thing, I hate to break it to you, but you're like a million years old. That get-up would look ridiculous on a young man, but when it comes to a man of your advanced age, people begin to suspect that you're wearing a headband-y item not because it looks cool (it doesn't), but because all of your hair is attached to it (could be). Need I mention that the open shirt is a little gross? And the multiple necklaces a little likely to cause your ancient and desiccated body to tip over? And the pattern on your shirt a little responsible for seizures suffered by people who look at it too long? I didn't think so.