Tomorrow, Saturday December 1st, is my 33rd birthday.
I am going to spend the day reflecting on what those 33 years have taught me. Maybe you can learn something from my foolishness. But I doubt it. One of the primary lessons that I've discovered over time is that there are small moments here and there, sprinkled sparingly as true love, that make me ache.
There are aches that make me hurt forever, like when my Dad put his heavy arm around my shoulder when I was 14, as we walked up to the casket at my Grandpa's funeral. It was the first time I'd been to a funeral of someone I really loved and for the entire day I couldn't sort out my emotions enough to grieve. I stayed to myself in a small parlor of the funeral home. I couldn't cry. I got angry with myself for my callousness. But late in the day, as my stomach twisted to knotted tears, my Dad came up to me and said, "Let's go say goodbye to your Grandpa." We started down the aisle, my Grandpa resting peacefully before us. As soon as my Dad's arm wrapped my shoulder, I began to cry. He squeezed a little, partially for me and partially for him. As we knelt before my Grandpa, I looked over at my Dad with his eyes shut in grief for his father-in-law and I realized that I am part of something. I am part of a world where people are not immortal. I am part of the joy and sorrow of all those around me. I am part of a family that loves each other, especially when the weight seems too heavy to bear alone.
Sometimes there are aches that drive deep into my core, like the hurt of discovering the person I love will never truly love me. The moment of realization pulled the breath out of my lungs, making me lightheaded and nauseous. It felt like the air would never return to completely fill me up again. I was deflated and hollow. When I was younger, I felt this ache. I remember looking at him, wondering why he didn't see what I felt. Wondering why he didn't care. Wondering how it was possible for me to feel such intensity and yet he could feel none. But the ache passed. Love comes to each of us again, and it is that which fills us up. I learned to look for it; look for the intensity in others that I'd hoped others would see in me.
I have felt the ache of love. It's a love that makes you want to shake strangers. The ache radiates within you. The ache that makes you want to hold your lover tighter. This ache is always with you.
So, after 33 years, I've learned to embrace the ache. Sometimes it's simple. Sometimes, it's difficult to see the road back from pain or love or anger or despair. The only thing of which I am certain is that when I do find my way back, I'm so much happier than when I left.
Friday, November 30, 2007
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
Purge The Cabin
As President of the Last One on the Train Club, I just now discovered the Urban Dictionary. Here are some of my favorite words to date:
Purge The Cabin- Rolling down the windows down on a vehicle for some fresh air, usually after one of the passengers has passed gas.
"Jason, that was foul! Purge the cabin before we suffocate in here."
Fake Take- Pretending to enter and store someones phone number into your mobile phone after they generously offer up their number and say "Take my number and give me a call sometime."
Jeff: Why did you take that loser's number and tell him you'll call him?
Chris: Don't worry dude, it was a "fake take".
Brain Grenade- A bottle of beer, due to its effect on the brain.
"The game's about to start, toss me a brain grenade."
"Heineken or Guinness?"
Cinematard- One who is completely lacking movie knowledge.
Heather: Hey Greta, wanna see the new Tom Hanks movie, Mission Difficult II?
Greata: Um, you mean the new Tom Cruise movie, Mission Impossible III? Girl, you are a real cinematard!
Tramp Stamp- A tattoo above a woman's butt crack.
"Her pants were so low cut, you could totally see her tramp stamp."
Dotcomrade- An Internet acquaintance; someone you chat with but have never met.
"So who's this NrdPowr32 guy?"
"I dunno. Just a dotcomrade of mine."
Peasantvision- Television channels you get without a cable or satellite TV subscription.
"I can't afford digital cable, but I still get some good shows with the rabbit ears on peasantvision."
Conswervative- A conservative politician or other public figure caught doing things that he or she denounced on record.
"Larry Craig is a conswervative, as is Ted Haggard."
Backseat Buyer- A person who gets excited over other people's future or current purchases. Usually an enthusiastic shopper for themselves as well. Can be used as an adjective or verb.
"I'm such a backseat buyer; I love helping my friends choose stuff as much as buying something for myself!"
Errorist- Someone who repeatedly makes mistakes. Says stuff he or she believes true, but anyone with common sense can see they are wrong.
"Bush is talking on TV again. What an errorist."
Typeractive- Someone who is overly talkative on emails or text messages.
"Man, Natasha should get a job. She's been texting me every two minutes. And there are ten emails in my inbox from her. She is way typeractive today."
Purge The Cabin- Rolling down the windows down on a vehicle for some fresh air, usually after one of the passengers has passed gas.
"Jason, that was foul! Purge the cabin before we suffocate in here."
Fake Take- Pretending to enter and store someones phone number into your mobile phone after they generously offer up their number and say "Take my number and give me a call sometime."
Jeff: Why did you take that loser's number and tell him you'll call him?
Chris: Don't worry dude, it was a "fake take".
Brain Grenade- A bottle of beer, due to its effect on the brain.
"The game's about to start, toss me a brain grenade."
"Heineken or Guinness?"
Cinematard- One who is completely lacking movie knowledge.
Heather: Hey Greta, wanna see the new Tom Hanks movie, Mission Difficult II?
Greata: Um, you mean the new Tom Cruise movie, Mission Impossible III? Girl, you are a real cinematard!
Tramp Stamp- A tattoo above a woman's butt crack.
"Her pants were so low cut, you could totally see her tramp stamp."
Dotcomrade- An Internet acquaintance; someone you chat with but have never met.
"So who's this NrdPowr32 guy?"
"I dunno. Just a dotcomrade of mine."
Peasantvision- Television channels you get without a cable or satellite TV subscription.
"I can't afford digital cable, but I still get some good shows with the rabbit ears on peasantvision."
Conswervative- A conservative politician or other public figure caught doing things that he or she denounced on record.
"Larry Craig is a conswervative, as is Ted Haggard."
Backseat Buyer- A person who gets excited over other people's future or current purchases. Usually an enthusiastic shopper for themselves as well. Can be used as an adjective or verb.
"I'm such a backseat buyer; I love helping my friends choose stuff as much as buying something for myself!"
Errorist- Someone who repeatedly makes mistakes. Says stuff he or she believes true, but anyone with common sense can see they are wrong.
"Bush is talking on TV again. What an errorist."
Typeractive- Someone who is overly talkative on emails or text messages.
"Man, Natasha should get a job. She's been texting me every two minutes. And there are ten emails in my inbox from her. She is way typeractive today."
Monday, November 26, 2007
Four
Due to NFL football running late again this week, the Amazing Race was pushed back nearly a full hour on the East Coast. Normally, I would "rage" against the "machine" that the "man" has created, inconveniencing me to the point of near-fatal sighing, but I am frankly too bloated from the food-fest of the last four days. Every time I try to rage, mashed potatoes lodge in my left ventricle, in what doctors have described as a "sticky situation". We all had a good laugh at that one down at the Cardiac Ward.
Anyway, this week is sure to be a letdown after last week's mind blowing insanity related to miking a camel. The previews promise more livestock interaction this week, but honestly, at this point you would have to give a prostate exam to a rhino to top camel milking.
The review from last week reminds us that Team Boring came in first and Team Salsa was eliminated. Both facts remain hard to swallow. Is it racist that the Latinas lost on a challenge about learning a new language and the black team won in Africa? Call your congressman to request a full inquiry.
Okay! Teams are off and running. Racers are informed that they will be getting 0 dollars to use on this leg of the race. If I do a quick calculation on the currency converter..yes, that will buy you a 4 bedroom house and 10 acres in Africa.
Beaker M from Team Boring says that they are slowed by Beaker F's "physical limitations". She takes offense, saying, "You make it sound like I'm retarded or something." The only possible physical limitation I see on her is a slight case of topheaviedness. It can kill- consult your physician.
The very first task is to get a chicken from the tribal chief and take it with you everywhere this leg of the race. No reason. It's just humorous to watch people carry a live chicken in a bag. No Chicken, No Check-In. Quality effort Amazing Race. Quality effort.
The head of Team Hippie says that they are just "takin' it easy" in the race. Methinks he envisions himself as the tortoise. I can think of no better animal to represent him, in truth. I kind of don't like this team, but I kind of want them to win.
It has been determined that Team Goth is going at Kurt's pace. He is good for something...let me see, what is it? Oh right. Nothing. Good for NOTHING. When the race ends and they win and they reveal that the guy is girl and girl is a guy, I don't think there's going to be a lot of shocked gasps rolling through the crowd.
Daddy (from Team Daddy) says that he feels vindicated by moving from last place to fifth. Vindicated? What does that mean? That the crappy way he treats his daughter and everyone else is now justified? He's a piece of work, this guy.
The Grandpa from Team Greatest Generation wants to get out and RUN! Oh wait, someone just told him he's 80. Time to walk.
As all the teams dart around trying to catch chickens that are running around like something with their somethings cut off, Sissy is worried that their chicken got its "toenail" caught in the netting of their bag. I can sense that Daddy is not pleased at her concern and wishes to strike her very much.
Team Dumbblonde really doesn't fit into Africa, per se. They would be a bad Waldo in this situation. Oh, THERE he is.
Everyone is on their way, but just as they get close to the detour, Beaker F needs a potty break. Beaker M is incensed! He is very close to breaking out a "gosh-darn".
The Detour- Shake Your Pan or Shake Your Booty. Teams have to either pan for gold or dance like a damn fool. The dance task is subjective and most be approved by the African Idol judges.
Jen says she has danced for the LA Clippers dance team, so she's confident hat her experience translates to this task in the middle of Africa.
Jason and Lorena are in last place, but Jason's got a can't miss strategy: Hope that another team makes a mistake and then don't make any mistakes themselves. When in doubt, go with hope. The Motto of the Screwed.
As anticipated, Jen may know how to dance, but Nate is a hot mess. The judges penalize them for having no creativity. They have to wait 10 minutes before trying again.
Grandpa says he used to be a miner. Somehow, that is supposed to help him with panning for gold? Ooookaaayyy.
Daddy is a wild dancer. Or, at least, he's one of those people who thinks he's being funny/goofy and instead it just kind of makes you die inside to watch? But Sissy makes sure to tell him, "Smile the whole time, Okay?" People shouldn't need to be reminded to smile. It's one of my pet peeves.
Aw man, Team Hippie are harshing hard on the dance steps. I bet it would help if they could SEE the music, man. You know, like with colors? Awwwwwwesoooooooommmme.
And now they're lost.
How did I know that Team Boring would have no rhythm? Oh, they passed the task on the first try.
U-Turn Twist! In a new game twist this year, teams have the option of U-Turning another team behind them, forcing the other team to perform BOTH previous tasks (in this case, shake your pan and shake your booty).
After Jen and Nate finally pass the dancing task, Jen says, "I am going to get so much crap from the dancing world when I get back." Yes, Jen, the dancing world is up in arms.
The Hippies are totally lost. I'm sure they will just treat it as a vision quest or something. However, I am sure there is a good chance they will die in a wild without some kind of African Doobage.
Daddy and Sissy are rubbing butt to butt in their dance. Ugh, so disturbing. The judges were not amused by their tribute to incest. 10 minute penalty.
Grandpa and Grandson finished mining really fast.
Jen says they're not going to use the U-Turn on another team because "we are going to win this race like friggin' men." Someone should tell her about having a woo-ha.
The female hippie (now no longer lost) must weigh all of 30 pounds. Still, I would say she needs to lose 5 pounds to make it on television.
Along with their dance, Kurt is going to "do a little improv too" to impress the judges. It worked! The judges loved/were scared of them.
And now Team GG is lost. Africa is like, big, ya'll.
Kurt says he appreciates how gracious the Africans have been to them, "We look like aliens that dropped out the sky or something, but they've been so warm." If there is one thing that Goths love, even more than being miserable, it's getting attention from Africans.
Team Dumbblonde are on all fours during their dance, for no discernible reason. Officially, the sluttiest version of the dance so far. Fortunately for them, two of the African judges are men. It was all but a lap dance. And now, they are turning on Jason and Lorena. One of the blondes (who can tell the difference?) says "it's wrong". But on the plus side, they love the picture of themselves that the Amazing Race provided.
The blondes "had no choice" but to use the U-Turn on Jason and Lorena. "Nobody's our friend. It's a race and we can win a million dollars." I have to say, I agree. It always makes me angry when teams don't use strategy because it's "bad karma".
Here's this week's livestock! Goat Market. Roadblock: Ride a bike with a goat and supplies to a local market. There goats are yelling like little babies. No matter what you do, you just can't stop the horrible screaming of the lambs.
Lorena and Jason are finally at the detour. Lorena says that "Puerto Ricans love to dance". You know what they don't like? Milking camels.
This leg of the race is boring the crap out of me. Someone hit someone!
"That was the most culture shock I've ever had." Jen says after riding through a pretty rough African marketplace. Because, you know, she had a LOT of culture shock, going from West Hollywood to Downtown.
The pit stop for this leg of the race is in Unpronounceable, Africa. I think this leg maybe have been tacked on for some reason, because they actually didn't GO anywhere. Lame. I'm getting very sleepy...
Now that Jen has completed the task of riding through the African marketplace, she in the cab with Nate. "Nate, don't touch me. I'm all hot. Don't touch." Then, remembering that he will cheat on her if she so much as sneezes, she says, "Okay, now you can. Okay, touch me...TOUCH ME!!" No insecurity there. Look at us America! We're in love!
Daddy is now ordering Sissy around in Korean (or whatever that language was), so that he doesn't look so bad to the TV viewing audience. A-hole is A-hole in any language, skippy.
Now one of the blondes is totally stressing about using the U-Turn. She's big into karma. You know, because of Earl.
This leg is so boring. Have I mentioned that yet?
Goats ram you, according to one of the blondes. Good to know if you are ever trapped in a goat ring.
Team Boring is the winner of the leg again. There's no stopping them. They win motor scooters for finishing first.
Jen and Nate came in a very close second for this leg. Jen said she "wanted it really bad. I just feel like everyone should have their time and they've had their time two times." So now she's complaining about Team Boring trying to be in first place. The NERVE of them trying to win something called THE AMAZING RACE.
Vyxsin is touched by the mess in Africa. She's getting her goth on. The weight of the world is heavy.
Bored!
The Africans are looking at the female hippie like she should put on some weight. How does someone who has to deal with the munchies that much not have fat on them?
Lorena has professed her love for Jason. Duh. And now she's crying. Jason says, "We'll make a million dollars another way. Don't worry baby." I'm sure "another way" involves prostitution, but why spoil this tender moment?
It's gotta be a non-elimination leg, right?
Jason tells Lorena, "Money doesn't make you wealthy, baby..." Uh, Jason? Yes, it does. Because with money, you can buy wealth. And love.
It IS an elimination leg. I'll be darned.
So Jason and Lorena are eliminated, meaning we will get no more opportunities to see her freak out. In review of what she's learned on the race, she's decided that she doesn't have to get married now. There's no need to rush into anything, according to her. Sure, it's only been five years-no need to crazy and jump headlong.
In a classic bit of male relationship justification, Jason says, "I'm down for any adventure. There some kind of confinement within a marriage that you can't have when you're free. When two people are free, you can have a deeper kind of love, because you don't have to be together." Um, huh?
Okay! That's it for this week. According to the previews for next week, the blondes get hit by a bus.
Yeah, I'll tune in for that.
Anyway, this week is sure to be a letdown after last week's mind blowing insanity related to miking a camel. The previews promise more livestock interaction this week, but honestly, at this point you would have to give a prostate exam to a rhino to top camel milking.
The review from last week reminds us that Team Boring came in first and Team Salsa was eliminated. Both facts remain hard to swallow. Is it racist that the Latinas lost on a challenge about learning a new language and the black team won in Africa? Call your congressman to request a full inquiry.
Okay! Teams are off and running. Racers are informed that they will be getting 0 dollars to use on this leg of the race. If I do a quick calculation on the currency converter..yes, that will buy you a 4 bedroom house and 10 acres in Africa.
Beaker M from Team Boring says that they are slowed by Beaker F's "physical limitations". She takes offense, saying, "You make it sound like I'm retarded or something." The only possible physical limitation I see on her is a slight case of topheaviedness. It can kill- consult your physician.
The very first task is to get a chicken from the tribal chief and take it with you everywhere this leg of the race. No reason. It's just humorous to watch people carry a live chicken in a bag. No Chicken, No Check-In. Quality effort Amazing Race. Quality effort.
The head of Team Hippie says that they are just "takin' it easy" in the race. Methinks he envisions himself as the tortoise. I can think of no better animal to represent him, in truth. I kind of don't like this team, but I kind of want them to win.
It has been determined that Team Goth is going at Kurt's pace. He is good for something...let me see, what is it? Oh right. Nothing. Good for NOTHING. When the race ends and they win and they reveal that the guy is girl and girl is a guy, I don't think there's going to be a lot of shocked gasps rolling through the crowd.
Daddy (from Team Daddy) says that he feels vindicated by moving from last place to fifth. Vindicated? What does that mean? That the crappy way he treats his daughter and everyone else is now justified? He's a piece of work, this guy.
The Grandpa from Team Greatest Generation wants to get out and RUN! Oh wait, someone just told him he's 80. Time to walk.
As all the teams dart around trying to catch chickens that are running around like something with their somethings cut off, Sissy is worried that their chicken got its "toenail" caught in the netting of their bag. I can sense that Daddy is not pleased at her concern and wishes to strike her very much.
Team Dumbblonde really doesn't fit into Africa, per se. They would be a bad Waldo in this situation. Oh, THERE he is.
Everyone is on their way, but just as they get close to the detour, Beaker F needs a potty break. Beaker M is incensed! He is very close to breaking out a "gosh-darn".
The Detour- Shake Your Pan or Shake Your Booty. Teams have to either pan for gold or dance like a damn fool. The dance task is subjective and most be approved by the African Idol judges.
Jen says she has danced for the LA Clippers dance team, so she's confident hat her experience translates to this task in the middle of Africa.
Jason and Lorena are in last place, but Jason's got a can't miss strategy: Hope that another team makes a mistake and then don't make any mistakes themselves. When in doubt, go with hope. The Motto of the Screwed.
As anticipated, Jen may know how to dance, but Nate is a hot mess. The judges penalize them for having no creativity. They have to wait 10 minutes before trying again.
Grandpa says he used to be a miner. Somehow, that is supposed to help him with panning for gold? Ooookaaayyy.
Daddy is a wild dancer. Or, at least, he's one of those people who thinks he's being funny/goofy and instead it just kind of makes you die inside to watch? But Sissy makes sure to tell him, "Smile the whole time, Okay?" People shouldn't need to be reminded to smile. It's one of my pet peeves.
Aw man, Team Hippie are harshing hard on the dance steps. I bet it would help if they could SEE the music, man. You know, like with colors? Awwwwwwesoooooooommmme.
And now they're lost.
How did I know that Team Boring would have no rhythm? Oh, they passed the task on the first try.
U-Turn Twist! In a new game twist this year, teams have the option of U-Turning another team behind them, forcing the other team to perform BOTH previous tasks (in this case, shake your pan and shake your booty).
After Jen and Nate finally pass the dancing task, Jen says, "I am going to get so much crap from the dancing world when I get back." Yes, Jen, the dancing world is up in arms.
The Hippies are totally lost. I'm sure they will just treat it as a vision quest or something. However, I am sure there is a good chance they will die in a wild without some kind of African Doobage.
Daddy and Sissy are rubbing butt to butt in their dance. Ugh, so disturbing. The judges were not amused by their tribute to incest. 10 minute penalty.
Grandpa and Grandson finished mining really fast.
Jen says they're not going to use the U-Turn on another team because "we are going to win this race like friggin' men." Someone should tell her about having a woo-ha.
The female hippie (now no longer lost) must weigh all of 30 pounds. Still, I would say she needs to lose 5 pounds to make it on television.
Along with their dance, Kurt is going to "do a little improv too" to impress the judges. It worked! The judges loved/were scared of them.
And now Team GG is lost. Africa is like, big, ya'll.
Kurt says he appreciates how gracious the Africans have been to them, "We look like aliens that dropped out the sky or something, but they've been so warm." If there is one thing that Goths love, even more than being miserable, it's getting attention from Africans.
Team Dumbblonde are on all fours during their dance, for no discernible reason. Officially, the sluttiest version of the dance so far. Fortunately for them, two of the African judges are men. It was all but a lap dance. And now, they are turning on Jason and Lorena. One of the blondes (who can tell the difference?) says "it's wrong". But on the plus side, they love the picture of themselves that the Amazing Race provided.
The blondes "had no choice" but to use the U-Turn on Jason and Lorena. "Nobody's our friend. It's a race and we can win a million dollars." I have to say, I agree. It always makes me angry when teams don't use strategy because it's "bad karma".
Here's this week's livestock! Goat Market. Roadblock: Ride a bike with a goat and supplies to a local market. There goats are yelling like little babies. No matter what you do, you just can't stop the horrible screaming of the lambs.
Lorena and Jason are finally at the detour. Lorena says that "Puerto Ricans love to dance". You know what they don't like? Milking camels.
This leg of the race is boring the crap out of me. Someone hit someone!
"That was the most culture shock I've ever had." Jen says after riding through a pretty rough African marketplace. Because, you know, she had a LOT of culture shock, going from West Hollywood to Downtown.
The pit stop for this leg of the race is in Unpronounceable, Africa. I think this leg maybe have been tacked on for some reason, because they actually didn't GO anywhere. Lame. I'm getting very sleepy...
Now that Jen has completed the task of riding through the African marketplace, she in the cab with Nate. "Nate, don't touch me. I'm all hot. Don't touch." Then, remembering that he will cheat on her if she so much as sneezes, she says, "Okay, now you can. Okay, touch me...TOUCH ME!!" No insecurity there. Look at us America! We're in love!
Daddy is now ordering Sissy around in Korean (or whatever that language was), so that he doesn't look so bad to the TV viewing audience. A-hole is A-hole in any language, skippy.
Now one of the blondes is totally stressing about using the U-Turn. She's big into karma. You know, because of Earl.
This leg is so boring. Have I mentioned that yet?
Goats ram you, according to one of the blondes. Good to know if you are ever trapped in a goat ring.
Team Boring is the winner of the leg again. There's no stopping them. They win motor scooters for finishing first.
Jen and Nate came in a very close second for this leg. Jen said she "wanted it really bad. I just feel like everyone should have their time and they've had their time two times." So now she's complaining about Team Boring trying to be in first place. The NERVE of them trying to win something called THE AMAZING RACE.
Vyxsin is touched by the mess in Africa. She's getting her goth on. The weight of the world is heavy.
Bored!
The Africans are looking at the female hippie like she should put on some weight. How does someone who has to deal with the munchies that much not have fat on them?
Lorena has professed her love for Jason. Duh. And now she's crying. Jason says, "We'll make a million dollars another way. Don't worry baby." I'm sure "another way" involves prostitution, but why spoil this tender moment?
It's gotta be a non-elimination leg, right?
Jason tells Lorena, "Money doesn't make you wealthy, baby..." Uh, Jason? Yes, it does. Because with money, you can buy wealth. And love.
It IS an elimination leg. I'll be darned.
So Jason and Lorena are eliminated, meaning we will get no more opportunities to see her freak out. In review of what she's learned on the race, she's decided that she doesn't have to get married now. There's no need to rush into anything, according to her. Sure, it's only been five years-no need to crazy and jump headlong.
In a classic bit of male relationship justification, Jason says, "I'm down for any adventure. There some kind of confinement within a marriage that you can't have when you're free. When two people are free, you can have a deeper kind of love, because you don't have to be together." Um, huh?
Okay! That's it for this week. According to the previews for next week, the blondes get hit by a bus.
Yeah, I'll tune in for that.
Wednesday, November 21, 2007
Thanksblogging
I am thankful for bloggers. All bloggers, great and small. All bloggers that expose a piece of themselves to a world that they don't always know and rarely understand. Most of us are looking for people to share an experience. We are here to preach from our pulpits, uncensored. If you laugh or cry or remember a long-forgotten memory or are moved to take action or are reminded of that which is good in your life, then blogging has been successful for yet another day. And life gets a little easier to bear.
I am thankful for Emily, whom you can all blame for getting me into writing down my thoughts for the world to hear. She is a good friend, a great new Mom, and a sweet soul.
I am thankful for Scottie, who is makes me feel like a part of his family life through his art. He is artistic in both storytelling and action.
I am thankful for Sarah, who puts her emotions out for everyone to see and publicly asks some of the life questions that you are probably wondering yourself. Even if it is just as simple as educating those who do not yet have newborn babies.
I am thankful for Ginny, for coming to her senses and getting into the blogging game. I linked her up immediately, because I know that she is going to post something interesting. Go read her now.
I am thankful for my brother Ross and Photodork, whose absolutely gorgeous photography and pictures are inspirational. Go look trough his site, it'll make your day better.
I am thankful for Wendy, who is a genuinely caring person who makes an excellent life-long friend. She has brought something special into the world in more ways than one.
I am thankful for Kelly, for living a life that is noteworthy enough to write about in a consistently interesting and enriching manner. She is wise beyond her years and cooler than you in every way.
And finally, I am thankful to all of you who read this site. It means a lot. If I didn't include you in the list above, it doesn't mean I love you any less. I appreciate your comments and emails and I hope you have a great Thanksgiving. Now go back and actually look at the sites that I've linked.
You'll be glad you did.
I am thankful for Emily, whom you can all blame for getting me into writing down my thoughts for the world to hear. She is a good friend, a great new Mom, and a sweet soul.
I am thankful for Scottie, who is makes me feel like a part of his family life through his art. He is artistic in both storytelling and action.
I am thankful for Sarah, who puts her emotions out for everyone to see and publicly asks some of the life questions that you are probably wondering yourself. Even if it is just as simple as educating those who do not yet have newborn babies.
I am thankful for Ginny, for coming to her senses and getting into the blogging game. I linked her up immediately, because I know that she is going to post something interesting. Go read her now.
I am thankful for my brother Ross and Photodork, whose absolutely gorgeous photography and pictures are inspirational. Go look trough his site, it'll make your day better.
I am thankful for Wendy, who is a genuinely caring person who makes an excellent life-long friend. She has brought something special into the world in more ways than one.
I am thankful for Kelly, for living a life that is noteworthy enough to write about in a consistently interesting and enriching manner. She is wise beyond her years and cooler than you in every way.
And finally, I am thankful to all of you who read this site. It means a lot. If I didn't include you in the list above, it doesn't mean I love you any less. I appreciate your comments and emails and I hope you have a great Thanksgiving. Now go back and actually look at the sites that I've linked.
You'll be glad you did.
Monday, November 19, 2007
Three
Are you excited? Because I'm excited. I'm not gonna lie. I can't say for sure why I so love seeing people completely snap and lose their tenuous grip on reality. But I do know that it is the very reason why reality television was created. Because as much as we love to see a good sit-com or a gripping drama, it's so much more fun to see a person nearly crap themselves in exasperation. And that is The Amazing Race in a nutshell: The Promise of People Crapping Themselves in Exasperation. It should be in all the advertising.
But let's not get ahead of ourselves.
Week 3 begins with a review of last week, wherein my personal favorite team of gay clergywomen was eliminated.
Okay! Here we go. You can use your whole couch, but you'll only need THE EDGE. Wait, they're still in the Netherlands? I could have sworn they moved on from there. You know what overnight in Amsterdam means? Team Dirty Hippie is going to be totally baked.
It seems that sometime last week Daddy gave himself a hernia, probably through the constant berating of his daughter. Thankfully, we have been given a clip of the doctor telling him, "I have pushed the tissue back into the abdomen." Guurrrpprrghghppph.
And this leg of the race has officially begun, with Jason and Lorena in first place.
The first clue states that teams must get on to the first flight to Unpronounceablename, Africa. The trick is that Africa is a big place (almost as big as Texas, I once heard) and nobody knows where Unpronounceablename is, exactly.
You really want to root for Jason, don't you? With his sweet nothings that he tells the camera? Like that Lorena reminds him of the girl from The Exorcist? I can see why she's holding out for him to decide to marry her maybe someday when he's ready. He's a catch.
Jen from Team 273.5 says that sometimes she hates Nate, her boyfriend. She's not very nice, but she says she's been working at it. I'm not sure if that means she's working to be more of bitch or less of one. It remains an unsolvable mystery why he cheated on her.
The blondes from Team Dumbblonde continue to worry more about their appearance than their place in the race. It's a risky strategy.
Major Earth Shattering Revelation of The Week: The Goth female, Vyxsin, has just stated that she takes on some of the "typically masculine roles" in the relationship. Shocking.
Okay, so none of these teams has a clue where Unpronounceablename, Africa is. I don't either, but I do know how to use the stinkin' Internet.
Ah, we've discovered it's in Burkina Faso. Wait, wasn't Burkina Faso in designing women?
Team Boring are originally from Ethiopia. Or so they say. I don't know if they mean, like historically from there or born there. Because they look more like they're from just outside of San Diego to me.
Here's our first clue that Team Dirty Hippie may have picked up some brownies in Amsterdam: The dude just said that they are not allowing things to "freak them out" too much. Plus, man, they can totally take that unicorn standing over there to Burkina Faso. Wash your hair, dreadlock!
The Grandpa who stripped down to his jockey underwear last week, just said he's "letting it all all hang out" in the race. Ew. Also, he's 69 years old. 69 is the new 67 1/2.
Oh Lord. Daddy, from Team Daddy, has a new "Who's your Daddy" t-shirt on. It's creepy in every color of the rainbow. He says he's learned his lesson after the terrible way he treated his daughter in the last round. Says he needs to be more "uplifting". That's one way to put it. Or you could say, "I need to stop being such a dill hole."
The Dirty Hippie is excited to go to Africa. He'll commune with a giraffe or something. He's basically excited to go anywhere that doesn't require him to shower.
Ugh, I hate it when they play up these airport maneuvers. There's not exactly hourly flights to Unpronounceablename, Africa! You'll all be on the same plane!
Daddy and Sissy (my new name for her) have to run to get their flight. I fear that Daddy's hernia is gonna kill him.
After much unnecessarily tense music, everyone is in flippin' Unpronounceablename, Burkina Faso, Africa.
One of the dumb blondes worries aloud about being sold to people for money in Africa. Not that it would really be a change from her normal routine, but the street names would be really different.
Hey! Everyone takes the train to Bingo, in the middle of Nowhere, Africa. They have to wait to get on the train until the morning. It's not exactly high-speed rail, this Bingo train.
The Blondes are not exactly comfortable around people with dark skin on a train that isn't really sporting air conditioning. Or put more succinctly by one of the blondes, "These people bring flies."
The "male" Goth, Kurt, just asked his girlfriend to help him off the train. He's going to need a parasol before the race is over.
Road Block! Milk a camel enough to fill a bowl and then drink that milk. If you're camel "runs dry", you have to wait for a camel to become available from a team that has finished the challenge. The card says that teams need to "be mindful that camels are sensitive to loud noises and fast movements." They're basically large cats with humps. And utters. That spit.
Jennifer helpfully yells to Nathan, "You have to be gentle, you're handling nipples". So no hooking the utters up to a car battery like she likes.
Some teams appear to have just gotten particularly milky camels. I've seen it a million times. They have to want to milk. It helps if you blow in the camels ear first. Maybe give it a hoof massage.
The Dirty Hippie is finished milking already! Ooop-he's having some trouble drinking it, however. Says it's a little "gritty." C'mon. Who would LOVE a nice tall glass of warm, gritty camel milk? Maybe with some OrneryO's? Mmmmm. He's probably just pissed off that fresh-squeezed camel milk isn't hallucinogenic.
I am somewhat unsurprised that the blonde from Team Dumbblonde has no trouble tugging on a camel.
Vyxsin has finished and Kurt told her to make sure to swallow every drop. Several teams have finished and are on their way to the next challenge. They're going the wrong way. Nobody cares. Because Lorena is about to blow.
I really hope you had a chance to watch this. Lorena keeps trying to milk what very well could be a male camel and any liquid that she's getting has been knocked out of her hands AT LEAST five times by the camel. It's physical comedy at it's finest. And finally, the breakdown. In full, hysterical, child lost in a shopping mall shriek:
"Baby, there NO MORE MILK! THERE'S NO MORE MIIIILLLLL(stroke)LLLLLKKKKK!!!!!!!!" (There is not enough exclamation points here. There are not enough exclamation points in the history of exclamation points.)
Lorena again:
"MIIIILLLKK!!! Baby!!!"
And now in prayer:
"Please Lord, give me some milk."
And now a different camel has kicked her.
"AAAGGHHH!!! He hit me!!"
Most of the rest of the teams are on to the Detour: Teach it or Learn it. Teams can either try to teach non-English-speaking African children 10 English words or learn 10 African words as a team.
Of course, Team Boring will choose the African words, because they probably learn Quantum Physics in their sleep. They definitely took that "Reading is Fundamental" stuff to heart growing up.
"It doesn't take a brainiac to memorize 10 words" according to Beaker F of Team Boring. She's right, of course. If you're talking about English words.
The weather is getting nasty. Big African storm rolling in. Great, AFRICA, is getting more rain than the southeastern United States. The thunder made one of the camels hop a few times. Awww, cute. Can I have one?
Lorena is STILL trying to milk this damn camel. This is just like the saying- "You can't squeeze water from a rock", except the water is milk and the rock is a, you know, camel. If you follow the analogy. It's complex. Give it sec.
And the camel just kicked the milk out of her hand. Again. If she had a machete, she would go all Apocalypse Now on this camel, I swear to you.
Brother and sister Team Boring have boringly won this stage. And, because they're in first, they've won a romantic five night trip to Bermuda. For two. Not creepy at all.
The spicy Latinas are still trying to get milk too! They better not lose. That's why there's such a terrible storm. The Amazing Race has angered the Gods!
Lorena's camel has just kicked the milk from her bowl AGAIN. Oh. Oooohhhh. Wait for it...wait for it....
*PLINK*
Aaannd there's the sound of Lorena's brain snapping in two. Now here's the primal scream.
AAAHHHHHHHHHHGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!
And she's dropped to her knees, a spent pile of mush. She's not even screaming now. It's all just grunts.
As she's leaving one of the Spicy Latinas tells Lorena to get milk from one the camels that has a baby camel near it. Anyone who watches the Amazing Race knows that this kind of kindness will only get you eliminated.
So, of course, Lorena finally does get a camel to give her enough milk.
Lorena asks Jason, in a tender moment, "Do you still love me?" He responds, "Of course, I still love you!" I mean, not enough to marry you.
At Teach it or Learn It-Jason tells Lorena, "We can learn African!! You know languages!!" You know, because she's Hispanic. And later she can make you a burrito.
The spicy Latinas got PASSED by Jason and Lorena. They're gonna be in last. HOW IS LORENA NOT IN LAST PLACE???? Lorena and Jason are in at second to last. Lorena breaks down at the end, saying "I didn't milk the camel right,"
Jason tells Phil that is why he loves Lorena, "She's passionate about life, she passionate about love, she's passionate about this race....and she's passionate about pleasing me." Um, yeah. That's pretty much the way I was picturing the situation, but thanks for laying it out so specifically there.
Lantinas are eliminated. The race has officially gotten uglier.
Well, that's it for this week. Although much of the spiciness is gone, but at least we have hope of another Lorena breakdown at some point.
But let's not get ahead of ourselves.
Week 3 begins with a review of last week, wherein my personal favorite team of gay clergywomen was eliminated.
Okay! Here we go. You can use your whole couch, but you'll only need THE EDGE. Wait, they're still in the Netherlands? I could have sworn they moved on from there. You know what overnight in Amsterdam means? Team Dirty Hippie is going to be totally baked.
It seems that sometime last week Daddy gave himself a hernia, probably through the constant berating of his daughter. Thankfully, we have been given a clip of the doctor telling him, "I have pushed the tissue back into the abdomen." Guurrrpprrghghppph.
And this leg of the race has officially begun, with Jason and Lorena in first place.
The first clue states that teams must get on to the first flight to Unpronounceablename, Africa. The trick is that Africa is a big place (almost as big as Texas, I once heard) and nobody knows where Unpronounceablename is, exactly.
You really want to root for Jason, don't you? With his sweet nothings that he tells the camera? Like that Lorena reminds him of the girl from The Exorcist? I can see why she's holding out for him to decide to marry her maybe someday when he's ready. He's a catch.
Jen from Team 273.5 says that sometimes she hates Nate, her boyfriend. She's not very nice, but she says she's been working at it. I'm not sure if that means she's working to be more of bitch or less of one. It remains an unsolvable mystery why he cheated on her.
The blondes from Team Dumbblonde continue to worry more about their appearance than their place in the race. It's a risky strategy.
Major Earth Shattering Revelation of The Week: The Goth female, Vyxsin, has just stated that she takes on some of the "typically masculine roles" in the relationship. Shocking.
Okay, so none of these teams has a clue where Unpronounceablename, Africa is. I don't either, but I do know how to use the stinkin' Internet.
Ah, we've discovered it's in Burkina Faso. Wait, wasn't Burkina Faso in designing women?
Team Boring are originally from Ethiopia. Or so they say. I don't know if they mean, like historically from there or born there. Because they look more like they're from just outside of San Diego to me.
Here's our first clue that Team Dirty Hippie may have picked up some brownies in Amsterdam: The dude just said that they are not allowing things to "freak them out" too much. Plus, man, they can totally take that unicorn standing over there to Burkina Faso. Wash your hair, dreadlock!
The Grandpa who stripped down to his jockey underwear last week, just said he's "letting it all all hang out" in the race. Ew. Also, he's 69 years old. 69 is the new 67 1/2.
Oh Lord. Daddy, from Team Daddy, has a new "Who's your Daddy" t-shirt on. It's creepy in every color of the rainbow. He says he's learned his lesson after the terrible way he treated his daughter in the last round. Says he needs to be more "uplifting". That's one way to put it. Or you could say, "I need to stop being such a dill hole."
The Dirty Hippie is excited to go to Africa. He'll commune with a giraffe or something. He's basically excited to go anywhere that doesn't require him to shower.
Ugh, I hate it when they play up these airport maneuvers. There's not exactly hourly flights to Unpronounceablename, Africa! You'll all be on the same plane!
Daddy and Sissy (my new name for her) have to run to get their flight. I fear that Daddy's hernia is gonna kill him.
After much unnecessarily tense music, everyone is in flippin' Unpronounceablename, Burkina Faso, Africa.
One of the dumb blondes worries aloud about being sold to people for money in Africa. Not that it would really be a change from her normal routine, but the street names would be really different.
Hey! Everyone takes the train to Bingo, in the middle of Nowhere, Africa. They have to wait to get on the train until the morning. It's not exactly high-speed rail, this Bingo train.
The Blondes are not exactly comfortable around people with dark skin on a train that isn't really sporting air conditioning. Or put more succinctly by one of the blondes, "These people bring flies."
The "male" Goth, Kurt, just asked his girlfriend to help him off the train. He's going to need a parasol before the race is over.
Road Block! Milk a camel enough to fill a bowl and then drink that milk. If you're camel "runs dry", you have to wait for a camel to become available from a team that has finished the challenge. The card says that teams need to "be mindful that camels are sensitive to loud noises and fast movements." They're basically large cats with humps. And utters. That spit.
Jennifer helpfully yells to Nathan, "You have to be gentle, you're handling nipples". So no hooking the utters up to a car battery like she likes.
Some teams appear to have just gotten particularly milky camels. I've seen it a million times. They have to want to milk. It helps if you blow in the camels ear first. Maybe give it a hoof massage.
The Dirty Hippie is finished milking already! Ooop-he's having some trouble drinking it, however. Says it's a little "gritty." C'mon. Who would LOVE a nice tall glass of warm, gritty camel milk? Maybe with some OrneryO's? Mmmmm. He's probably just pissed off that fresh-squeezed camel milk isn't hallucinogenic.
I am somewhat unsurprised that the blonde from Team Dumbblonde has no trouble tugging on a camel.
Vyxsin has finished and Kurt told her to make sure to swallow every drop. Several teams have finished and are on their way to the next challenge. They're going the wrong way. Nobody cares. Because Lorena is about to blow.
I really hope you had a chance to watch this. Lorena keeps trying to milk what very well could be a male camel and any liquid that she's getting has been knocked out of her hands AT LEAST five times by the camel. It's physical comedy at it's finest. And finally, the breakdown. In full, hysterical, child lost in a shopping mall shriek:
"Baby, there NO MORE MILK! THERE'S NO MORE MIIIILLLLL(stroke)LLLLLKKKKK!!!!!!!!" (There is not enough exclamation points here. There are not enough exclamation points in the history of exclamation points.)
Lorena again:
"MIIIILLLKK!!! Baby!!!"
And now in prayer:
"Please Lord, give me some milk."
And now a different camel has kicked her.
"AAAGGHHH!!! He hit me!!"
Most of the rest of the teams are on to the Detour: Teach it or Learn it. Teams can either try to teach non-English-speaking African children 10 English words or learn 10 African words as a team.
Of course, Team Boring will choose the African words, because they probably learn Quantum Physics in their sleep. They definitely took that "Reading is Fundamental" stuff to heart growing up.
"It doesn't take a brainiac to memorize 10 words" according to Beaker F of Team Boring. She's right, of course. If you're talking about English words.
The weather is getting nasty. Big African storm rolling in. Great, AFRICA, is getting more rain than the southeastern United States. The thunder made one of the camels hop a few times. Awww, cute. Can I have one?
Lorena is STILL trying to milk this damn camel. This is just like the saying- "You can't squeeze water from a rock", except the water is milk and the rock is a, you know, camel. If you follow the analogy. It's complex. Give it sec.
And the camel just kicked the milk out of her hand. Again. If she had a machete, she would go all Apocalypse Now on this camel, I swear to you.
Brother and sister Team Boring have boringly won this stage. And, because they're in first, they've won a romantic five night trip to Bermuda. For two. Not creepy at all.
The spicy Latinas are still trying to get milk too! They better not lose. That's why there's such a terrible storm. The Amazing Race has angered the Gods!
Lorena's camel has just kicked the milk from her bowl AGAIN. Oh. Oooohhhh. Wait for it...wait for it....
*PLINK*
Aaannd there's the sound of Lorena's brain snapping in two. Now here's the primal scream.
AAAHHHHHHHHHHGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!
And she's dropped to her knees, a spent pile of mush. She's not even screaming now. It's all just grunts.
As she's leaving one of the Spicy Latinas tells Lorena to get milk from one the camels that has a baby camel near it. Anyone who watches the Amazing Race knows that this kind of kindness will only get you eliminated.
So, of course, Lorena finally does get a camel to give her enough milk.
Lorena asks Jason, in a tender moment, "Do you still love me?" He responds, "Of course, I still love you!" I mean, not enough to marry you.
At Teach it or Learn It-Jason tells Lorena, "We can learn African!! You know languages!!" You know, because she's Hispanic. And later she can make you a burrito.
The spicy Latinas got PASSED by Jason and Lorena. They're gonna be in last. HOW IS LORENA NOT IN LAST PLACE???? Lorena and Jason are in at second to last. Lorena breaks down at the end, saying "I didn't milk the camel right,"
Jason tells Phil that is why he loves Lorena, "She's passionate about life, she passionate about love, she's passionate about this race....and she's passionate about pleasing me." Um, yeah. That's pretty much the way I was picturing the situation, but thanks for laying it out so specifically there.
Lantinas are eliminated. The race has officially gotten uglier.
Well, that's it for this week. Although much of the spiciness is gone, but at least we have hope of another Lorena breakdown at some point.
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
Rise of the Fall
Once again, I'm in the midst of my biannual eruption. Every Spring and every Fall my face breaks out like I've been subjected to hourly Crisco facials. Which I suppose would be fine, if I wasn't 32 years old. I got to thinking about why this is happening. I mean, if it's just a change in the temperature, why doesn't it happen when I travel to colder or warmer climates? It just doesn't make sense.
My guess is that there is a far more sinister biological force at play here. You see, not only do Spring and Fall bring a change in foliage, they also bring two important life events: Homecoming and Prom. And the dances that accompany each.
See, it's a plot. Is what it is.
That's right, it's my contention that my body is still programmed to burst into the most repulsive specimen possible at this critical time, in order to ward off the opposite sex. It certainly was true during my adolescence and apparently nobody told my glands to knock it off.
So why is my body still acting this way? It's very frustrating, because aside from being annoying, it's also giving me vicious flashbacks. I do not need this trauma in my life. I've consumed massive quantities of alcohol in order to block this pain and I will not have my efforts go in vain!
I think the only smart thing to do is don a ski mask and go get really, really drunk until Winter.
Update- I went to the dentist this morning and HE even commented on my skin. He thought they had used a different toothpaste and it had gotten on my face. Do they make ski masks in variety of colors and it is just a standard black?
My guess is that there is a far more sinister biological force at play here. You see, not only do Spring and Fall bring a change in foliage, they also bring two important life events: Homecoming and Prom. And the dances that accompany each.
See, it's a plot. Is what it is.
That's right, it's my contention that my body is still programmed to burst into the most repulsive specimen possible at this critical time, in order to ward off the opposite sex. It certainly was true during my adolescence and apparently nobody told my glands to knock it off.
So why is my body still acting this way? It's very frustrating, because aside from being annoying, it's also giving me vicious flashbacks. I do not need this trauma in my life. I've consumed massive quantities of alcohol in order to block this pain and I will not have my efforts go in vain!
I think the only smart thing to do is don a ski mask and go get really, really drunk until Winter.
Update- I went to the dentist this morning and HE even commented on my skin. He thought they had used a different toothpaste and it had gotten on my face. Do they make ski masks in variety of colors and it is just a standard black?
Monday, November 12, 2007
Episode Two
Week two of the Amazing Race begins with a standard review of the prior week. All the competitors looked so bright-eyed and hopeful, didn't they? It's so easy to forget how much we truly dislike the ones we love, until we're forced to spend extended periods of time in a car with them looking for the Haggerllegecc town square in the middle of Leprechaun, Ireland.
All the competitors are raving about how surprised they are with the great effort from the Goths (Team Aynnoyyingg). They're not mentally retarded, people, they just dye their hair. The point is, you can never underestimate the freaks. Of course, it's only a matter of time before they're forced to withdraw due to a bad case of the Blahs. Goths in general are suffering from the Blahs at horrifying rate. I blame the war and Robert Smith eating the rest of the Cure.
Christina totally creeps me out with her Daddy issues. Someone get her a Hello Kitty to cuddle.
Beaker M and Beaker F are the first to depart. They bring nothing exciting to this race. There is some speculation that they are a tad closer than a brother and sister should be. I guess that could be fun to watch. Like if they get a little too excited after a victory and share a kiss. Could be awkward for Phil.
Everyone heading to Amsterdam!
The dirty hippie just said that his relationship with Rachel is 90% more important than the Amazing Race. That's a man who does not have his priorities straight.
Nate says, "We're getting along now, but just wait until we hit a wrong turn."
Team Dumbblonde says that "it's creepy driving at night." Shani is quite disturbed that none of the pit stops have been at a hair and nail salon.
Daddy is already upset at his greatest disappointment in his life, his daughter. She forgot her fanny pack and he is about to have a stroke. Of course she shouts, "Sorry Daddy!!"
How much do I love Team Jesus? Pat said, "We have no illusions that God even cares if we win the Amazing Race." Why is it always the gay clergy that has their head on straight?
Team Greatest Generation has gotten a flat tire right out of the gate. Haven't even made it to the airport yet. Of course, Grandpa is in total control of the flat tire situation.
"Kynt runs around like he's on speed." Gee, that could be because HE IS.
It's becoming fairly clear why Christina has her daddy issues. He's not the most pleasant person in the world.
Flight drama! The Daddy is going to get into a shoving match with the grandson from Team GG. It's always good to shove someone while explaining that he needs to calm down. Really gets the point across. Baby, why do you make me hit you?
Man, the Dirty Hippie cannot WAIT to get to Amsterdam. Like sending a kid to candy store.
Pat from Team Jesus is a cancer survivor? How can you not love this team?
Team Salsa are in last place.
Yes, that "Who's Your Daddy Shirt?" shirt is beyond creepy. What does that even MEAN in this context?
What is wrong with Kurt's voice? It's like an effeminate soprano helium balloon. Only more annoying.
Team Boring is the first train to Amsterdam. They can read a map, which puts them light years ahead of most of these dill weeds.
Challenge: Furniture Moving. Up the side of a building with hand tied ropes. Or...search trough hundreds of bikes in a parking garage to find the pair that match your card.
Vyxsin from Team Aynnoyyingg just said that she would tie the knots because she used to macrame and knows knots. Okay, so now I like her. He's still a complete tool.
One of the blonds from Team Dumbblonde firmly stated, "My arm muscles are one of the strongest parts of my body."
The dirty hippie just showed up in Amsterdam. Now that I look closer, his girlfriend is also a dirty hippie. Man, you can tell that he needs to score before the challenge. He's asking one of the movers if he's "Holden Caufield". Wink, wink.
Jen has had enough of Nate's incompetence as a man. She's got such a sunny personality, it's hard to believe he cheated. "Nate for the life of himself cannot tie a knot," Jen says confidentially to the camera.
About half the teams have finished the challenge and are waiting for the same bus. Oops, the Goths missed the bus. Team Boring went from first to fifth because they looked from the bikes instead of doing the movers challenge.
Wow, the hippies are really bad movers. Dirty Hippie is totally harshing. Can a brother just score some righteous bud? Hippie Rachel CAN tie a knot, as her brains aren't on drugs. She passes the challenge for them.
Roadblock: A Norwegian "sport" called Ditch Vaulting. Or Dutch Vaulting. Really, does it matter? The point is to cross a (let's call it) fjord in a single vault from side to side.
The one blond from Team Dumbblonde does NOT want to break nail.
Oh my God, my husband is laughing his ass off because Jen from Team 273.5a crashed hard into the ditch. He seriously can't get his breath. It's fun to see beautiful people fail. The cherry on the top was the dutch judge shouting "NO GOOD!" when she ate it. Awesome. I bet Nate is going to be very supportive and patient though. Oops, I guess not.
Dugerdam is the pit stop. I'm pretty sure that name is made up.
Jen is a gracious competitor: "That freaking little bitch did it!"
Team NoWeddingBells are team number one. As a reward, they win bikes. I'm sure they didn't want an exotic trip somewhere. Sure, a bike. Nice.
Team 273.5a is in second and will live to strangle each other another day. Team Dumbblonde is in third.
The daddy is SO ANNOYING. The daughter says she just wants to them to "stay positive". His response, "Don't give me this crap about positive vibes getting you through". He's obviously an expert on staying positive, so she should just shut her mouth.
Marianna: "Mr. Miyagi runs like the wind, so we have to hurry". Everyone is learning not to like Daddy.
Revelation from Kurt: "I'm not one of those get down and dirty boys, I'm kind of prissy". I will alert CNN to this breaking story.
Beaker F is covered head to toe in mud on her first try across the fjord. Amazing Race has a long history of making people muddy and miserable. Kudos on continuing the streak.
Kurt is not really an athlete, per se.
Oh Lord, the Grandpa is going to ditch jump. Ominously, the grandson states, "That decision may be a decision that's going to cost us." YA THINK?!!??
Daddy is worried about their team "vacillating". " I let you loose on this thing and you disappointed me." This guy is quite the charmer, isn't he?
Kurt made it across! Finally! Now I kinda want them to do well.
Grandpa is not so much with the ditch vault. It's really a younger man's sport. Oh Dear God! GRANDPA IS STRIPPING!!! I repeat, Grandpa is stripping! He's too covered in mud to jump, so he has to shed clothing. An official "No Comment" from the grandson. You go into the race hoping for a lifetime of memories and you come out seeing your grandpa naked. You need to win the million dollars just to pay for the therapy. That's why the Amazing Race has the word amazing right in the title, people!
Team Goth just finished and Kurt totally missed a high five with Vyxsin.
Grandpa is now in his underwear, jumping. Still hasn't made it over the fjord. The grandson: : "That one had promise". It didn't. Okay! The grandpa finally made it across. The grandson said, "He made it, showing that frustration and anger pays off in the end". Amen, brother. I've been telling people that for years.
So much drama from Team Daddy. I can't even get into it; I'm drained. Let's just say they should break up and change their phone numbers.
Damn it! Team Jesus are officially in last place and have been eliminated. Man, I love them to death. So sweet. All reality shows should end with older lesbian clergy kissing. That'd show the terrorists.
Oh. My. Gosh. The previews for next week show Lorena having the kind of complete break from sanity for which the Amazing Race has become famous. I am already predicting, based on the previews alone, that she will be giving us this season's catch phrase, "Baby, there's no more milk!!", as she is trying to milk a camel.
Seriously people, call your friends, duct-tape your grandma to the chair, next week's episode is a can't miss. Don't make me tell you again!!
All the competitors are raving about how surprised they are with the great effort from the Goths (Team Aynnoyyingg). They're not mentally retarded, people, they just dye their hair. The point is, you can never underestimate the freaks. Of course, it's only a matter of time before they're forced to withdraw due to a bad case of the Blahs. Goths in general are suffering from the Blahs at horrifying rate. I blame the war and Robert Smith eating the rest of the Cure.
Christina totally creeps me out with her Daddy issues. Someone get her a Hello Kitty to cuddle.
Beaker M and Beaker F are the first to depart. They bring nothing exciting to this race. There is some speculation that they are a tad closer than a brother and sister should be. I guess that could be fun to watch. Like if they get a little too excited after a victory and share a kiss. Could be awkward for Phil.
Everyone heading to Amsterdam!
The dirty hippie just said that his relationship with Rachel is 90% more important than the Amazing Race. That's a man who does not have his priorities straight.
Nate says, "We're getting along now, but just wait until we hit a wrong turn."
Team Dumbblonde says that "it's creepy driving at night." Shani is quite disturbed that none of the pit stops have been at a hair and nail salon.
Daddy is already upset at his greatest disappointment in his life, his daughter. She forgot her fanny pack and he is about to have a stroke. Of course she shouts, "Sorry Daddy!!"
How much do I love Team Jesus? Pat said, "We have no illusions that God even cares if we win the Amazing Race." Why is it always the gay clergy that has their head on straight?
Team Greatest Generation has gotten a flat tire right out of the gate. Haven't even made it to the airport yet. Of course, Grandpa is in total control of the flat tire situation.
"Kynt runs around like he's on speed." Gee, that could be because HE IS.
It's becoming fairly clear why Christina has her daddy issues. He's not the most pleasant person in the world.
Flight drama! The Daddy is going to get into a shoving match with the grandson from Team GG. It's always good to shove someone while explaining that he needs to calm down. Really gets the point across. Baby, why do you make me hit you?
Man, the Dirty Hippie cannot WAIT to get to Amsterdam. Like sending a kid to candy store.
Pat from Team Jesus is a cancer survivor? How can you not love this team?
Team Salsa are in last place.
Yes, that "Who's Your Daddy Shirt?" shirt is beyond creepy. What does that even MEAN in this context?
What is wrong with Kurt's voice? It's like an effeminate soprano helium balloon. Only more annoying.
Team Boring is the first train to Amsterdam. They can read a map, which puts them light years ahead of most of these dill weeds.
Challenge: Furniture Moving. Up the side of a building with hand tied ropes. Or...search trough hundreds of bikes in a parking garage to find the pair that match your card.
Vyxsin from Team Aynnoyyingg just said that she would tie the knots because she used to macrame and knows knots. Okay, so now I like her. He's still a complete tool.
One of the blonds from Team Dumbblonde firmly stated, "My arm muscles are one of the strongest parts of my body."
The dirty hippie just showed up in Amsterdam. Now that I look closer, his girlfriend is also a dirty hippie. Man, you can tell that he needs to score before the challenge. He's asking one of the movers if he's "Holden Caufield". Wink, wink.
Jen has had enough of Nate's incompetence as a man. She's got such a sunny personality, it's hard to believe he cheated. "Nate for the life of himself cannot tie a knot," Jen says confidentially to the camera.
About half the teams have finished the challenge and are waiting for the same bus. Oops, the Goths missed the bus. Team Boring went from first to fifth because they looked from the bikes instead of doing the movers challenge.
Wow, the hippies are really bad movers. Dirty Hippie is totally harshing. Can a brother just score some righteous bud? Hippie Rachel CAN tie a knot, as her brains aren't on drugs. She passes the challenge for them.
Roadblock: A Norwegian "sport" called Ditch Vaulting. Or Dutch Vaulting. Really, does it matter? The point is to cross a (let's call it) fjord in a single vault from side to side.
The one blond from Team Dumbblonde does NOT want to break nail.
Oh my God, my husband is laughing his ass off because Jen from Team 273.5a crashed hard into the ditch. He seriously can't get his breath. It's fun to see beautiful people fail. The cherry on the top was the dutch judge shouting "NO GOOD!" when she ate it. Awesome. I bet Nate is going to be very supportive and patient though. Oops, I guess not.
Dugerdam is the pit stop. I'm pretty sure that name is made up.
Jen is a gracious competitor: "That freaking little bitch did it!"
Team NoWeddingBells are team number one. As a reward, they win bikes. I'm sure they didn't want an exotic trip somewhere. Sure, a bike. Nice.
Team 273.5a is in second and will live to strangle each other another day. Team Dumbblonde is in third.
The daddy is SO ANNOYING. The daughter says she just wants to them to "stay positive". His response, "Don't give me this crap about positive vibes getting you through". He's obviously an expert on staying positive, so she should just shut her mouth.
Marianna: "Mr. Miyagi runs like the wind, so we have to hurry". Everyone is learning not to like Daddy.
Revelation from Kurt: "I'm not one of those get down and dirty boys, I'm kind of prissy". I will alert CNN to this breaking story.
Beaker F is covered head to toe in mud on her first try across the fjord. Amazing Race has a long history of making people muddy and miserable. Kudos on continuing the streak.
Kurt is not really an athlete, per se.
Oh Lord, the Grandpa is going to ditch jump. Ominously, the grandson states, "That decision may be a decision that's going to cost us." YA THINK?!!??
Daddy is worried about their team "vacillating". " I let you loose on this thing and you disappointed me." This guy is quite the charmer, isn't he?
Kurt made it across! Finally! Now I kinda want them to do well.
Grandpa is not so much with the ditch vault. It's really a younger man's sport. Oh Dear God! GRANDPA IS STRIPPING!!! I repeat, Grandpa is stripping! He's too covered in mud to jump, so he has to shed clothing. An official "No Comment" from the grandson. You go into the race hoping for a lifetime of memories and you come out seeing your grandpa naked. You need to win the million dollars just to pay for the therapy. That's why the Amazing Race has the word amazing right in the title, people!
Team Goth just finished and Kurt totally missed a high five with Vyxsin.
Grandpa is now in his underwear, jumping. Still hasn't made it over the fjord. The grandson: : "That one had promise". It didn't. Okay! The grandpa finally made it across. The grandson said, "He made it, showing that frustration and anger pays off in the end". Amen, brother. I've been telling people that for years.
So much drama from Team Daddy. I can't even get into it; I'm drained. Let's just say they should break up and change their phone numbers.
Damn it! Team Jesus are officially in last place and have been eliminated. Man, I love them to death. So sweet. All reality shows should end with older lesbian clergy kissing. That'd show the terrorists.
Oh. My. Gosh. The previews for next week show Lorena having the kind of complete break from sanity for which the Amazing Race has become famous. I am already predicting, based on the previews alone, that she will be giving us this season's catch phrase, "Baby, there's no more milk!!", as she is trying to milk a camel.
Seriously people, call your friends, duct-tape your grandma to the chair, next week's episode is a can't miss. Don't make me tell you again!!
Thursday, November 8, 2007
Bargaining with God
I haven't written about my struggle with infertility all that much on this blog because of my own issues about going public with a very painful and private subject, but JMB and I both have a deep faith in God. We have reminded each other throughout this whole ordeal that God has a plan for our family and we just have to trust in him. Except... Sometime it's difficult for me to accept that God's plan may be different than mine. I am always afraid that God's plan is much, much different than my plan. Yes, it's always easy to trust in God- when I agree with him. It's when his plan is vastly different from mine that we have a problem.
During my freshman year in college, I rushed a sorority. All my friends got in and I didn't. I was absolutely devastated, but I survived. The following year, foolishly, I decided to rush again. I figured with more of my friends in the sorority, I would have a better chance. Even though I really didn't want to be in the sorority itself anymore; I just wanted to have more time with my friends. And even though there was a tiny voice inside me that said I shouldn't do it. Well, I rushed, and got cut in the second round. In my opinion, that was God's way of saying to me, "Well, if you aren't going to listen to me that this isn't the right thing to do, then I'm going to have to take action myself."
The summer after graduating from college, I was debating whether or not to break up with my boyfriend of more than two years. I know sometimes he didn't treat me right, but I thought I loved him, and I wanted to get married. I decided to weather the storm. A month later, HE broke up with ME. Again, God took matters into his own hands because I wouldn't take a hint.
Now, I'm trying-again-to figure out what his plan is. I analyze every possible sign, all the while knowing deep down that the ways of God can never be truly understood by humans. I have been prepared for the possibility of adopting my entire life. My backup plan has always been to adopt an Asian baby. Does this mean God has been preparing me for that path? I don't find anything wrong with adopting, but if that is my path, that means I am still several years away from having a child! Thy will be done-but only if it's also MY will.
I've also been anxious about this next cycle. I'm almost done with the Provera and am expecting a cycle day one next week. Then 150mg Clomid to follow a few days later. The hormones make me crazy! I fear that my ovulation problems (or lack thereof) will still be plaguing me, or that even if by some miracle I ovulate, I still won't be able to get pregnant. This morning on my drive to work, I was filled with a sudden peace and relief in remembering that God is charge and he'll make sure everything is OK.
But what does OK mean?
During my freshman year in college, I rushed a sorority. All my friends got in and I didn't. I was absolutely devastated, but I survived. The following year, foolishly, I decided to rush again. I figured with more of my friends in the sorority, I would have a better chance. Even though I really didn't want to be in the sorority itself anymore; I just wanted to have more time with my friends. And even though there was a tiny voice inside me that said I shouldn't do it. Well, I rushed, and got cut in the second round. In my opinion, that was God's way of saying to me, "Well, if you aren't going to listen to me that this isn't the right thing to do, then I'm going to have to take action myself."
The summer after graduating from college, I was debating whether or not to break up with my boyfriend of more than two years. I know sometimes he didn't treat me right, but I thought I loved him, and I wanted to get married. I decided to weather the storm. A month later, HE broke up with ME. Again, God took matters into his own hands because I wouldn't take a hint.
Now, I'm trying-again-to figure out what his plan is. I analyze every possible sign, all the while knowing deep down that the ways of God can never be truly understood by humans. I have been prepared for the possibility of adopting my entire life. My backup plan has always been to adopt an Asian baby. Does this mean God has been preparing me for that path? I don't find anything wrong with adopting, but if that is my path, that means I am still several years away from having a child! Thy will be done-but only if it's also MY will.
I've also been anxious about this next cycle. I'm almost done with the Provera and am expecting a cycle day one next week. Then 150mg Clomid to follow a few days later. The hormones make me crazy! I fear that my ovulation problems (or lack thereof) will still be plaguing me, or that even if by some miracle I ovulate, I still won't be able to get pregnant. This morning on my drive to work, I was filled with a sudden peace and relief in remembering that God is charge and he'll make sure everything is OK.
But what does OK mean?
Tuesday, November 6, 2007
20/15
Yesterday I went to the optometrist or ophthalmologist or gynopthatometrist or whatever he's called for the ten month followup of my Lasik surgery.
After all the basic tests, the assistant had me read the eye chart, one eye at a time, to find the smallest line that I could read. She began with the 20/20 line on each eye and then flipped down to the 20/15 line. I got all of the letters on the 20/15 with each eye. I then looked at her, squinting, and told her the washing machine instructions for the shirt she was wearing.
The doctor came in and he said, "Well, there's not much I can tell you. I don't want you to get a big head or anything, but you're better than perfect."
"Oh, I hear that all the time!" I explained.
He laughed and then I told him the entire contents of the refrigerator on the other side of the exam room.
After I left, I called my Mom to tell her how the checkup went.
Me: The doctor told me that I'm better than perfect
Mom: I'm pretty sure he was just referring to your eyes.
Me: Whatever. Don't deny the truth. The man went to school for like seven years and he has confirmed what we've all know for some time- Better. Than. Perfect.
Mom: Greeaaaat. That's all we needed. A professional opinion. (Sigh).
Me: It's only a matter of time before I'm shooting lasers from my eyes, so don't cross me woman.
After all the basic tests, the assistant had me read the eye chart, one eye at a time, to find the smallest line that I could read. She began with the 20/20 line on each eye and then flipped down to the 20/15 line. I got all of the letters on the 20/15 with each eye. I then looked at her, squinting, and told her the washing machine instructions for the shirt she was wearing.
The doctor came in and he said, "Well, there's not much I can tell you. I don't want you to get a big head or anything, but you're better than perfect."
"Oh, I hear that all the time!" I explained.
He laughed and then I told him the entire contents of the refrigerator on the other side of the exam room.
After I left, I called my Mom to tell her how the checkup went.
Me: The doctor told me that I'm better than perfect
Mom: I'm pretty sure he was just referring to your eyes.
Me: Whatever. Don't deny the truth. The man went to school for like seven years and he has confirmed what we've all know for some time- Better. Than. Perfect.
Mom: Greeaaaat. That's all we needed. A professional opinion. (Sigh).
Me: It's only a matter of time before I'm shooting lasers from my eyes, so don't cross me woman.
Monday, November 5, 2007
Amazing Race-Episode One
I shall attempt to provide the world with a detailed play-by-play of every episode of The Amazing Race this season. One would assume that it will serve as a the chronicle of record for future generations. It should be noted that I will be eating M&Ms while typing this. And also "working" on a spreadsheet for my boss. None of this should shock regular readers. As if those exist.
But now, on to the show!! Let us being the season with the official Amazing Race Prayer, which I may or may not be making up this very second.
Dear Phil,
Please let thine most divine majesty light the way for our noble racers. And as often as possible, cause the souls of the wayward and troubled travelers to turn back as a coal miner's lung. May Fathers continue to ignore their daddy-obsessed Daughters. May homosexual life partners make seemingly innocent references to "How thick the Bush is in South Africa." May an estranged girlfriend shriek incoherently as her boyfriend calmly explains what a stupid girl he believes her to be. And please, let there be an Ox.
In Phil's name we pray, Amen.
We begin in LA, home to all that is righteous and pure. As in the Divine Comedy, we must take the journey through Hell, beginning here. Starting at the Playboy mansion. Classy touch CBS.
A quick review of the teams:
Kynt and Vyxsin- Goth lovers, as if you couldn't tell by the clever spelling of their names. Let's hope that in some country in which they are traveling, they are prized for their pelts and shot. Henceforth known as Kurt and Suxsyn-Team Aynnoyingg.
Nathan and Jennifer- This boyfriend/girlfriend team shows the most promise for real physical violence. If you you wish hard enough, magic can happen! He cheated on her, but I'm pretty sure he just slipped on a bad patch of ice and landed in some other woman's lap. Totally not his fault and she should take him back. To be called Jen and Nate-Team 273.5a.
Ronald and Christina- Father/Daughter team. Obligatory daddy-obsessed Daughter, this time with Asian spice. After a certain age, women should not refer to their father as "Daddy" and that age is 12. An exception can be made if the daughter is really drunk and trying to stay out of rehab. To be referred to as Ron and Christina-Team Daddy.
Shana and Jennifer- Even more more obligatory hot blonde friends who aren't that hot. The Amazing Race loves to put marginally attractive, bottle-blondes on every season, because this show is seen around the world and we have stereotypes to live up to. Will be called Team DumbBlonde, Shani and Jeni.
Azaria and Hendekea- Brother/Sister team. They are scientists working in the field of figuring out which once is which. What happened to people named Stan and Betty? I cannot be bothered to type their whole name each time, especially since there is no way of knowing which name goes with which person. They will be called Team Science- Beaker M (Male) and Beaker F (Female).
Jason and Lorena- Jason's a bit of a commitment-phobe, in the sense that he would like very much to continue putting it in Lorena, as long as she doesn't talk. Because it's tricky to put that into the actual vows, there is no wedding date set. Lorena is a crier, I'm calling it right now. Let's call them Team NoWeddingBells, Jason and Lorena.
Nicolas and Donald- Grandson/Grandfather. Donald is essentially being described as an outspoken elderly gentleman, which is code for Racist Coot. Nicolas is the guy you bring home to your parents, so they think you have nice friends. Nicky and Donny are Team Greatest Generation or Team GG.
Ari and Staella- "Best Friends" and co-workers. Ari is our resident sassy gay this year. Sorry to out you Ari, but the headband is a bit a of a giveaway. Staella works with him. My hope is that, in a shocking mid-season twist, Staella turns out to be a man, because it's a MAJOR Amazing Race faux-pas to not have a team of two volcanically gay men. Team Queen will be Ari and Stella (Just spell it like everyone else!)
Marianna and Julia- Spicy Laaateeenas. I can't tell, but based on cultural stereotypes, I am going to assume that they are spicy. I have nothing bad to say about these two, yet. Mari and Jules are Team Salsa. They know why.
TK and Rachel- Couple who have been dating for almost one year. TK is a dirty hippie and Rachel looks like she is a fan of taking showers. TK and Rachel are an odd couple, kind of like Bert and Ernie. I'm not a huge fan of dudes going by initials. OJ has proven that they usually end up gutting you like a carp. Something to think about Rachel. Bert and Ernie are Team Muppet.
Kate & Pat- Gay Clergy. OKAY! Now we're talking turkey, people. You've gotta love lesbians who say, "I'm out of the closet and I'm Jesus-Approved!" Kate and Pat will be Team Jesus.
Now back to the race...
There is something within me that wants to like the Goths, but they're such posers. The part of me that wants to dislike them is just too strong. They just said that the Goth lifestyle is a celebration of beauty and art. PUH-LEAAAZE. It's a celebration of your desperate attempt to get attention, uglore. "We're like real life comic book characters!" Yeah, except that people like comic book characters.
Ohh, Jen has "trust issues" with Nate just because he cheated on her. Well, at least you put your foot down, Jen and firmly told him that you won't put up with it more than one or two dozen more times. For his part, Nate says it was one of the biggest mistakes of his life. One assumes he meant the getting caught part and not the sex part.
They actually have the brother/sister team looking at beakers in their intro. I think I need to change their name to Team Boring. Lorena from Team NoWeddingBells has been waiting three years to get married to Jason. Keep waiting Lorena, I'm sure he is about to crack.
I just love the term "Gay Clergy". I'm guessing my grandma is sitting at home thinking, "Oh, that's so nice that they have happy clergy on the show." They have declared they will be devious to win if necessary, saying they are "Not wimps for Jesus." Amen, sistas! Flaming dude Ari just said that in order to win, he will back stab you. I don't think that was in doubt. Team DumbBlonde just said they would use their bodies however they need to win. The shocking revelations continue.
The race consists of 11 legs, for those of you new to the process. As always, 3 legs (known only to producers) will be non-elimination. I love this show. I love Phil.
GO!
First stop, everyone has to get a flight to Shannon, Ireland. They JUST STARTED and already Christina said, "Alright, Daddy! This is it!" Ugh. Creepy.
I really think Ari might be gay.
Team Salsa just said they are "loud and verbal". The mind boggles.
Oh no, which way to go to the airport????
I would never stereotype Asian drivers, but Team Daddy can't drive. And can she sit any straighter? Who drives like that??!!? One senses she doesn't want to slouch or she may bring eternal shame upon her father.
Team Boring's Beaker M just sighed and said "...women and directions" after his sister got them lost on the FIRST TURN of the whole game. I'm sure he'll jury rig up a GPS out of toothpicks and Juicy Fruit. But boringly so.
Team Boring and Team Daddy have aligned to form a most boring and sad alliance ever. Somebody slap someone!!
Delayed flights! Amazing Race standard!! Now everyone is in Ireland and they've all got to catch a ferry.
The goth team just referred to themselves as little goth energizer bunnies. That works for me, I hate the energizer bunny too. My dislike just keeps going and going and going.....
It has begun! Nate from Team 273.5a just turned around and yelled at Jen, "Oh, my God, I can't stand this! You are the worst person I've ever meet at this!!" Not even a day in and we can start taking odds. I'm laying the over/under on 4 episodes before she is tasting the back of his hand. He just said, "I can't carry your bag the whole way! The other women aren't having any problems!" She stormed off, "Don't compare me to other girls!!" Rock solid foundation, built on love, people. Nathan "loves her so much". This race is "the hardest thing she's ever had to do". After one day, most of which was on an airplane.
Over a hill now to the next challen...GRANDPA'S DOWN!! REPEAT! GRANDPA'S DOWN!! CHECK FOR SNIPERS!!!
Oh wait, he's up. Team DumbBlonde are over this race. They just need to hug each other. For a long time. Slowly.
The next challenge is riding a tandem bike up a muddy trail. Emotions are "uncontrollable" all of the sudden. Lorena is a WRECK. Oop, her head just exploded. Ooooo-the chain broke on the goths' bike. Now they have to push it.
Road Block- High wire bike. They have to ride a specially rigged bicycle across a wire while the teammate hangs below them, over a gorge. I'm not doing the description justice. It's making my palms sweaty just watching. I'm not a bit "heights" person. No, thank you. My butt is at clench factor 50.
Goth chick will not look down. Goths don't look down. That's just what "the man" wants.
One of the idiots from Team DumbBlonde just said, "let's not harp on things". IN IRELAND. Harp. Ireland. You can't script this stuff, people. Team Muppet is in first place. He thinks he's actually flying. Whoa, man, this is totally cosmic.
Onto a challenge with donkeys and peat. That's a smell combo that Tide isn't going to get out anytime soon. At least we've fulfilled our livestock quotient for this week.
Nate and Jen are really in love. No wait, I mean the opposite of that.
Donkey just took out a fence. Awesome. Runaway donkey!
Nate and Jen's donkey will destroy them. It just won' t move. "I don't know what's wrong with him..." Unsure if Jen is talking about the donkey or Nate. Nathan's about to cry. He says this is the most miserable thing he's done in his life. Not loving the donkey situation, these two. Donkey will cost Nate the race.
Team Boring wins this leg of the race. They throw their pocket protectors up carefully in joy. And for being first, they will a trip to Canada. Perfect! If there's one thing I know about black people, it's that they love a good Canadian vacation.
Team Daddy have this episode's very special moment: They are both so worried about letting each other down and the daughter says, "You never disappoint me" to Daddy. He said, "Thank you. What was your name again?" Kidding. Oh, now the Dad is getting weepy. Says he didn't want to disappoint her. Everyone hug and be quiet already.
Ari is going to kill his donkey. And that's not even a euphemism for anything.
Nate and Jen FINALLY get their donkey moving and skip in at #10 of 11 teams. Thank the Lord . I need those two in the race.
Ari and Stella are last. So much for the sassy gay.
Alright! That's it for the AR season premiere. If I haven't ruined my fingers from typing this 3,000 page summary, I may even write about some other stuff this week. I know you're thrilled.
But now, on to the show!! Let us being the season with the official Amazing Race Prayer, which I may or may not be making up this very second.
Dear Phil,
Please let thine most divine majesty light the way for our noble racers. And as often as possible, cause the souls of the wayward and troubled travelers to turn back as a coal miner's lung. May Fathers continue to ignore their daddy-obsessed Daughters. May homosexual life partners make seemingly innocent references to "How thick the Bush is in South Africa." May an estranged girlfriend shriek incoherently as her boyfriend calmly explains what a stupid girl he believes her to be. And please, let there be an Ox.
In Phil's name we pray, Amen.
We begin in LA, home to all that is righteous and pure. As in the Divine Comedy, we must take the journey through Hell, beginning here. Starting at the Playboy mansion. Classy touch CBS.
A quick review of the teams:
Kynt and Vyxsin- Goth lovers, as if you couldn't tell by the clever spelling of their names. Let's hope that in some country in which they are traveling, they are prized for their pelts and shot. Henceforth known as Kurt and Suxsyn-Team Aynnoyingg.
Nathan and Jennifer- This boyfriend/girlfriend team shows the most promise for real physical violence. If you you wish hard enough, magic can happen! He cheated on her, but I'm pretty sure he just slipped on a bad patch of ice and landed in some other woman's lap. Totally not his fault and she should take him back. To be called Jen and Nate-Team 273.5a.
Ronald and Christina- Father/Daughter team. Obligatory daddy-obsessed Daughter, this time with Asian spice. After a certain age, women should not refer to their father as "Daddy" and that age is 12. An exception can be made if the daughter is really drunk and trying to stay out of rehab. To be referred to as Ron and Christina-Team Daddy.
Shana and Jennifer- Even more more obligatory hot blonde friends who aren't that hot. The Amazing Race loves to put marginally attractive, bottle-blondes on every season, because this show is seen around the world and we have stereotypes to live up to. Will be called Team DumbBlonde, Shani and Jeni.
Azaria and Hendekea- Brother/Sister team. They are scientists working in the field of figuring out which once is which. What happened to people named Stan and Betty? I cannot be bothered to type their whole name each time, especially since there is no way of knowing which name goes with which person. They will be called Team Science- Beaker M (Male) and Beaker F (Female).
Jason and Lorena- Jason's a bit of a commitment-phobe, in the sense that he would like very much to continue putting it in Lorena, as long as she doesn't talk. Because it's tricky to put that into the actual vows, there is no wedding date set. Lorena is a crier, I'm calling it right now. Let's call them Team NoWeddingBells, Jason and Lorena.
Nicolas and Donald- Grandson/Grandfather. Donald is essentially being described as an outspoken elderly gentleman, which is code for Racist Coot. Nicolas is the guy you bring home to your parents, so they think you have nice friends. Nicky and Donny are Team Greatest Generation or Team GG.
Ari and Staella- "Best Friends" and co-workers. Ari is our resident sassy gay this year. Sorry to out you Ari, but the headband is a bit a of a giveaway. Staella works with him. My hope is that, in a shocking mid-season twist, Staella turns out to be a man, because it's a MAJOR Amazing Race faux-pas to not have a team of two volcanically gay men. Team Queen will be Ari and Stella (Just spell it like everyone else!)
Marianna and Julia- Spicy Laaateeenas. I can't tell, but based on cultural stereotypes, I am going to assume that they are spicy. I have nothing bad to say about these two, yet. Mari and Jules are Team Salsa. They know why.
TK and Rachel- Couple who have been dating for almost one year. TK is a dirty hippie and Rachel looks like she is a fan of taking showers. TK and Rachel are an odd couple, kind of like Bert and Ernie. I'm not a huge fan of dudes going by initials. OJ has proven that they usually end up gutting you like a carp. Something to think about Rachel. Bert and Ernie are Team Muppet.
Kate & Pat- Gay Clergy. OKAY! Now we're talking turkey, people. You've gotta love lesbians who say, "I'm out of the closet and I'm Jesus-Approved!" Kate and Pat will be Team Jesus.
Now back to the race...
There is something within me that wants to like the Goths, but they're such posers. The part of me that wants to dislike them is just too strong. They just said that the Goth lifestyle is a celebration of beauty and art. PUH-LEAAAZE. It's a celebration of your desperate attempt to get attention, uglore. "We're like real life comic book characters!" Yeah, except that people like comic book characters.
Ohh, Jen has "trust issues" with Nate just because he cheated on her. Well, at least you put your foot down, Jen and firmly told him that you won't put up with it more than one or two dozen more times. For his part, Nate says it was one of the biggest mistakes of his life. One assumes he meant the getting caught part and not the sex part.
They actually have the brother/sister team looking at beakers in their intro. I think I need to change their name to Team Boring. Lorena from Team NoWeddingBells has been waiting three years to get married to Jason. Keep waiting Lorena, I'm sure he is about to crack.
I just love the term "Gay Clergy". I'm guessing my grandma is sitting at home thinking, "Oh, that's so nice that they have happy clergy on the show." They have declared they will be devious to win if necessary, saying they are "Not wimps for Jesus." Amen, sistas! Flaming dude Ari just said that in order to win, he will back stab you. I don't think that was in doubt. Team DumbBlonde just said they would use their bodies however they need to win. The shocking revelations continue.
The race consists of 11 legs, for those of you new to the process. As always, 3 legs (known only to producers) will be non-elimination. I love this show. I love Phil.
GO!
First stop, everyone has to get a flight to Shannon, Ireland. They JUST STARTED and already Christina said, "Alright, Daddy! This is it!" Ugh. Creepy.
I really think Ari might be gay.
Team Salsa just said they are "loud and verbal". The mind boggles.
Oh no, which way to go to the airport????
I would never stereotype Asian drivers, but Team Daddy can't drive. And can she sit any straighter? Who drives like that??!!? One senses she doesn't want to slouch or she may bring eternal shame upon her father.
Team Boring's Beaker M just sighed and said "...women and directions" after his sister got them lost on the FIRST TURN of the whole game. I'm sure he'll jury rig up a GPS out of toothpicks and Juicy Fruit. But boringly so.
Team Boring and Team Daddy have aligned to form a most boring and sad alliance ever. Somebody slap someone!!
Delayed flights! Amazing Race standard!! Now everyone is in Ireland and they've all got to catch a ferry.
The goth team just referred to themselves as little goth energizer bunnies. That works for me, I hate the energizer bunny too. My dislike just keeps going and going and going.....
It has begun! Nate from Team 273.5a just turned around and yelled at Jen, "Oh, my God, I can't stand this! You are the worst person I've ever meet at this!!" Not even a day in and we can start taking odds. I'm laying the over/under on 4 episodes before she is tasting the back of his hand. He just said, "I can't carry your bag the whole way! The other women aren't having any problems!" She stormed off, "Don't compare me to other girls!!" Rock solid foundation, built on love, people. Nathan "loves her so much". This race is "the hardest thing she's ever had to do". After one day, most of which was on an airplane.
Over a hill now to the next challen...GRANDPA'S DOWN!! REPEAT! GRANDPA'S DOWN!! CHECK FOR SNIPERS!!!
Oh wait, he's up. Team DumbBlonde are over this race. They just need to hug each other. For a long time. Slowly.
The next challenge is riding a tandem bike up a muddy trail. Emotions are "uncontrollable" all of the sudden. Lorena is a WRECK. Oop, her head just exploded. Ooooo-the chain broke on the goths' bike. Now they have to push it.
Road Block- High wire bike. They have to ride a specially rigged bicycle across a wire while the teammate hangs below them, over a gorge. I'm not doing the description justice. It's making my palms sweaty just watching. I'm not a bit "heights" person. No, thank you. My butt is at clench factor 50.
Goth chick will not look down. Goths don't look down. That's just what "the man" wants.
One of the idiots from Team DumbBlonde just said, "let's not harp on things". IN IRELAND. Harp. Ireland. You can't script this stuff, people. Team Muppet is in first place. He thinks he's actually flying. Whoa, man, this is totally cosmic.
Onto a challenge with donkeys and peat. That's a smell combo that Tide isn't going to get out anytime soon. At least we've fulfilled our livestock quotient for this week.
Nate and Jen are really in love. No wait, I mean the opposite of that.
Donkey just took out a fence. Awesome. Runaway donkey!
Nate and Jen's donkey will destroy them. It just won' t move. "I don't know what's wrong with him..." Unsure if Jen is talking about the donkey or Nate. Nathan's about to cry. He says this is the most miserable thing he's done in his life. Not loving the donkey situation, these two. Donkey will cost Nate the race.
Team Boring wins this leg of the race. They throw their pocket protectors up carefully in joy. And for being first, they will a trip to Canada. Perfect! If there's one thing I know about black people, it's that they love a good Canadian vacation.
Team Daddy have this episode's very special moment: They are both so worried about letting each other down and the daughter says, "You never disappoint me" to Daddy. He said, "Thank you. What was your name again?" Kidding. Oh, now the Dad is getting weepy. Says he didn't want to disappoint her. Everyone hug and be quiet already.
Ari is going to kill his donkey. And that's not even a euphemism for anything.
Nate and Jen FINALLY get their donkey moving and skip in at #10 of 11 teams. Thank the Lord . I need those two in the race.
Ari and Stella are last. So much for the sassy gay.
Alright! That's it for the AR season premiere. If I haven't ruined my fingers from typing this 3,000 page summary, I may even write about some other stuff this week. I know you're thrilled.
Thursday, November 1, 2007
A Room With A View
We are happy to report that Wrigley has entered phase two of recovery from his first knee surgery. Which means that he is now confined to a room without any furniture. Given that we've just recently dedicated an entire room to him that had been primarily patrolled by Tabitha, there has been a bit of an adjustment period. Primarily, I speak of the Cold Wars.
: So The Large Ones have brought you to my domain, I see. This will not stand. You are unwelcome here, Outlander.
: Huh? What? Do you have food?
: Ah, yes. Playing dumb, are we? Well, I am on to your scheme, infiltrator.
: So, then...you don't have food? Is that what I'm hearing?
: SILENCE!!
: What, if I may be so bold as to ask, does your butt smell like? Wait! No need to answer! I shall find out for myself.
: You are quickly raising my activity level from wild, unbridled indifference to slight, nearly imperceptible annoyance, Outlander.
: This seems like the best possible time to chase you for no reason whatsoever.
: You sneaky bastard!!
: Ok! Chase time is over. Could you please wait for just a moment while I lick myself in unmentionable places?
: On this we can agree. Let us both lick endlessly on our tasty privates.
Little known fact: This is the conversation Reagan and Gorbachev had in Reykjavik, nearly verbatim. We can learn so much from our domesticated animals.
: So The Large Ones have brought you to my domain, I see. This will not stand. You are unwelcome here, Outlander.
: Huh? What? Do you have food?
: Ah, yes. Playing dumb, are we? Well, I am on to your scheme, infiltrator.
: So, then...you don't have food? Is that what I'm hearing?
: SILENCE!!
: What, if I may be so bold as to ask, does your butt smell like? Wait! No need to answer! I shall find out for myself.
: You are quickly raising my activity level from wild, unbridled indifference to slight, nearly imperceptible annoyance, Outlander.
: This seems like the best possible time to chase you for no reason whatsoever.
: You sneaky bastard!!
: Ok! Chase time is over. Could you please wait for just a moment while I lick myself in unmentionable places?
: On this we can agree. Let us both lick endlessly on our tasty privates.
Little known fact: This is the conversation Reagan and Gorbachev had in Reykjavik, nearly verbatim. We can learn so much from our domesticated animals.
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