Shocking Developements

There are many, many reasons that I despise Winter, but right there near the top of the list, after finger-freezing cold and frozen snotsickles, is static electricity. Nature has created several things that I don't begin to understand-nipples on men, for example-but static electricity is one of the most annoying. As I sit here working in my office today, surrounded by electricical equipment, I feel confident in saying that I will likely be killed by a bright blue arcing bolt of current the next time I unwittingly shuffle across the room and touch anything with metal on it. I've now shocked myself approximately 2,546 times in the last three days. There are black burn marks on my fingers from being zapped. At some point the jolts are going to upset the normal Motownesque beating of my heart, causing an arrhythmia that will leave me cursing and twitching on the floor like I'm in an early '90s Prince video.

Lend Me Your Tack Hammer & I'll Give It Right Back

I got in this morning and my voicemail light was flashing so before I even had a chance to throw my purse on the ground or spit on anything, I pushed my voicemail button. And it just beeped at me.
I've pushed the button maybe forty thousand times between eight-fifteen and now, and each time it just beeps at me. I just got an email explaining that "the voicemail PC is in need of a new power supply" and it might be fixed tomorrow.
I'm trying to figure out whether I should carefully pry my phone open with a box cutter? Or just slam it open against my desk? BECAUSE THE LIGHT IS FLASHING AND I HAVE A VOICEMAIL IN THERE.

It's WHAT?!

So I just looked at this project plan I'm working on and I thought, Oh Crap! This says 2008.
Wait, what year is it?
I checked my calender in Outlook.
Yep, sure enough. It's 2008.
Shouldn't there have been some kind of formal notice about it being 2008 and not 2007? Did I miss an email?
Lord, I do miss my brain so.

You Might Be Infertile If......

If somebody has asked you the date and you said Day 21.
If you have ever counted 1,2,3 after sex, and thrown your ankles above your head for an absurd amount of time.
If you forget the entire world doesn't know what a HCG shot is.
If you have ever had to flip over your pillow because it is tear soaked.
If it has felt strange to not take off your clothes at a doctors appointment.
If you've had three people in a room look at your hoo-haa and it did not make you uncomfortable.
If you circle the days to have sex on your planner.
If you have ever seen your internal organs on a plasma TV. (At least once or sometimes twice a month!)
If the sound of an infant's cry is the equivalent to pure torture.
If you've put your feet up in stirrups more times than you've had sex in a week.
If you've played the "I'll be pregnant by then" game for longer than a year.
If you've ever been caught staring longingly at a pregnant woman's belly.
If you feel the need to check your underwear more times in an hour than Britney gets photographed.
If hearing the words "baby dust" sends you into a raging tizzy.
If you know more about your reproductive organs and the female body than all of your girlfriends combined.
If getting pregnant doesn't technically need to involve sex.
If you measure your life in two week increments.
If you avoid alcohol, smoking, hot baths, hot tubs, saunas, caffeine, and question "When are you going to have children?" like the plague.
If you can't remember life before prenatal vitamins.
If you glare at parents who don't truly appreciate their children, and scowl at the ones who complain.
If you actually hate one of your body parts.
If your husband has gotten some mid-morning delight, and it wasn't with you, or in your bedroom.
If you know how thick your uterus is, how many sperm your husband has, and how many follicles you have.
If you find it a miracle that people somehow manage to get pregnant.
If you have had to leave a movie theater or change the TV station.
If you have ever yelled at Grey's Anatomy or ER for completely misrepresenting the truth.
If you have ever wondered if you are actually having sex wrong.
If the word cycling has nothing to do with riding a bike.
If you could swear that anybody standing within a hundred feet could hear your biological clock ticking.
If two weeks out of the month your spouse treats you like you are made of glass.
If sometimes when people talk about their children you are reduced to tears.
If you've ever considered hugging a pregnant woman just so a bit of that "something" would rub off on you.
If birthdays, holidays, and special events are just one more reminder that you have one less year to cross the reproductive finish line.
If you can tell a 23 gauge and a 25 gauge needle apart at 40 paces.
If you've gone to bed at 12 midnight during the work week, just to do a shot, and it wasn't the alcoholic variety.
If you feel a very real physical pain in your chest when thinking about the worst case scenario.

Sorry for the rant....
Can you tell I just got back from my 6th doctors appointment since the New Year and I am feeling a little frustrated????????

Finale

We have nearly come to the end. It a bit of genius television programming, CBS has scheduled the season finale of the Amazing Race to go up against the NFC Championship game-a move that should get some executive fired by midnight Sunday night. Brett Favre vs. Daddy is really no contest. For one, Brett isn't a creepy jerk. There are other examples. Regardless, I had to watch it last night once I returned from my Grandma's memorial service.
We lost our chance to see Jen and Nate lose on the very final leg of the race, as they were eliminated last week. It was pointed out that there was a certain charm to seeing Jen get eliminated on her birthday, however. Regardless, they are now dead, so we must move forward.
We're now forced to root for Team Daddy. Team Hippie, and Team Greatest Generation.
Here we go!
It's always nice to have a review of the full season to remind us how far we've come and how much crying and pissing and moaning we've endured. Truly, we deserve a million dollars. I will graciously accept the money on behalf of us all.
We're all rooting for the hippies to win, right? I mean, it's either them or Team GG, and frankly I cannot approve of giving someone that old a half a million dollars. He'll just blow it on Viagra and Bran. Though nobody wants Team Daddy to win, let's not forget that CBS set up the whole redemption of Daddy so that when they DO win, we won't dislike them as much. Only we all still do dislike them.
We start the last leg in Taipei, which, it has been pointed out, is technically part of China, but I think we can all agree that it would be better as Japan II. The first leg will take them back to American soil in Anchorage, Alaska. They just said it was their final destination city. That can't be where the races ends is it?
It cracks me up that the hippies went to the airline desk at the airport and asked, "Have you seen people like us here yet?" Have we seen a skeleton and pot dealer? No. In what way are they like anyone?
Team Daddy is hiding in the China Airlines Executive Club and they used the Internet to find out more info about their first destination. Everyone freaking out about where Team Daddy is, as they assume they may have gotten on an earlier plane. The typical panic ensues.
All teams are on the same flight to Alaska, just to be fair, for once. That has screwed at least one team in the past and that's no way to end a season. All teams should have a chance to actually finish, rather than get hosed by some airline mess.
As teams prepare for the final leg in Alaska, Stretch from Team GG says. "I've seen Ron (Daddy) run and he's like a ninja," I'm not sure what that means. Fast? Stealthy? Can he run up trees?
After everyone arrives in AK, they discover they have to get to an outfitter store and then a boat launch. Wait, did they just say it's called Shit Creek Boat Launch? OOO-oooh- SHIP Creek. Well, that's too bad. That would've been the perfect end to the race to have everyone paddle up Shit Creek without any oars.
Team GG went to the outfitters and didn't take their gear bag! Idiots! That will probably cost them the win.
First challenge is: Cut the Cod or Crab the Crab. AR producers, you clever rhyming men.
Disgusting! You either have to cut through several enormous dead cod looking for a small clue in a little metal pill box or sort through live crab in a live well full of water. Phil says teams may find themselves in a pinch. Ha!
Team Daddy looks like they're pretty far ahead of everyone else, but this task could really equalize the teams. Whoa! They took the Cut the Cod task and found the clue right away!! Well, crap, it looks like they're gonna run away with this race. The other teams aren't even there yet.
Team GG is totally screwed by not picking up the bag of gear. They're heading back to the store, and they're not happy with each other. Each one is kinda blaming the other. I hope that this doesn't put them out of it, but don't see how it can't. What am I saying? This is the Amazing Race, of course they're not out of it.
Team Hippie is going for Grab the Crab.
Sissy from Team Daddy says, "We're a good team now, We've come along way." Whatever, yo. They are so setting them up to be the winners, I'm really getting angry. Nobody changes their personality because of a vacation!
Grabbing crabs looks painful. Lots of pinching going on.
Team GG is back from getting their gear and Team Hippie is still at the Grab the Crab challenge. Gramps has decided that he's gonna gut some fish. Apparently he's some sort of master gutter? I don't know.
The Hippies were gonna switch from Crab to Cod, but Dirty Hippie found the right crab just in time. And that leaves Team GG at the challenge alone.
Whoa, hold on, Gramps found the clue in the fish pretty fast. They're still in last, but only 3-4 minutes behind (their estimation).
According to the Hippies, Team Daddy is about 20 minutes ahead of them. There's no way they can make up the time, unless Team Daddy totally craps out on the next challenge.
The next task is to ice climb a glacier.
Annnnd, the Hippie's cab doesn't know where the next task is. Ugh. Go!!!
Team GG and the Hippies are neck and neck. Team Daddy is at the Glacier already.
Skinny Hippie loves how much fun she has with Dirty Hippie. Aww, come on, you have to love those two stoned kids, don't you? I actually believe that they like each other.
Daddy is afraid of heights, so he isn't in love with the idea of climbing a glacier even though it's over water. I'm not a big fan of heights either, so I hear ya, dogg.
Daddy says he's afraid of falling. Well, sure, that's the thing about heights. They're high.
Sissy is stuck at the bottom of the glacier. She can't make it over the first hump. And there's only one hump. Of course, she yells out, "Daddy!" in exasperation. Also, she looks ridiculous- her butt all hanging out over the edge. She finally makes it up because it "pulled her through to know that (her) Dad was going to receive her at the top." Receive her? What? Creepy.
Team Hippie is getting to the glacier just as Team Daddy is done climbing.
Next is a helicopter ride to the next task. I'm starting to get a little excited, honestly. I am embarrassed by how much I like this show.
The Hippies made it up the glacier pretty quickly and now they're on the next helicopter. They're busy making out in the helicopter. Perverts.
Okay, the next challenge! Road Block- Teams must organize items from all previous legs of the race in a certain order. It's all very complex and I can't possibly explain it all. It's starting to hurt my brain. Bottom line, there's a million items, but only 10 exact ones fit the requirement order/configuration. It. Be. Hard. Surely this will equalize the playing field? Maybe? I am hoping that Team Daddy won't be first?
Only one member of the team can work on it, so Sissy is doing the task, because she's smart and Daddy can blame her if she screws up. It's win-win.
The Hippies have caught up and Skeletor is doing it for the Hippies. I would've thought Dirty would've done it, because he could have communed with nature to divine the right answer. Dirty says, "She's really smart." Okay, I'll believe that when I see it.
And now Team GG is there! Nick (Stretch) is doing the task for them.
The good news is it's any one's game now!
Wow, the teams are really getting screwed at this task. They're all basically tied, trying to figure it out. They've all submitted answers that are wrong and once that happens, they're really frustrated because there really only appears to be one way to answer this "puzzle". Someone will Ah-Ha their way out of it. My money is on Sissy, she's been the closest and she's not high.
Whoo-Hoo!!! Skeletor got it! Go Team Hippie!!
Teams must now find the Captain Cook statue in Anchorage to get their next clue.
Sissy figured out the puzzle next, but she screamed, "Daddy" as she left, thinking that she just cost them the race. I feel bad for her. He's supportive, but right now as they're watching this, I'll bet he's blaming her.
Teams next have to find the Salmon Hooker (Ha) statue in downtown Anchorage. On foot. Gah!
Hippies appear to be in first, but Team Daddy has the better cab. They've both found the fish statue. It says to go to the finish line. This is it! I forgot how intense these finales are! I'm irrationally excited!!!!
Now to the finish line! Hippies are still in first!!
Gaaaaaaaaahhhhh!!!! Wait, there's Team Daddy!!!
C'mon Hippies!
Daddy says he learned to be a better person. Whatever!
Run Hippies Run!!!
Yes!
10 cities, 4 continents, nearly 30, 000 miles, TK and Rachel, you are the official winners of the Amazing Race!! Whoo-Hoo, Hippies win!!!
I love this show all over again.

A Light Dusting

Growing up on the wide, flat plains of Illinois, there was one thing that I could count on every winter: it was going to be cold. Not cold as in, "Wow, my boogers are freezing right in my nose!" Frankly, if your boogers freeze in your nose, ya put on a swimsuit and go get a tan. New definitions of temperature are necessary in the Midwest. Illinois is routinely so cold that it is not uncommon to ask, "Should my finger be blue like this?"
The Midwest winter is a Beast. An actual Beast. It takes on a persona that people learn to fear and hate.
"This winter is really out to get us this year, isn't it?"
"Mommy, is the weather trying to kill us?"
"This weather has no mercy. It's just heartless."
"I hate this winter. Seriously, I hate it."
Given this (and for many other reasons) I knew from a very young age that I had to get out. I dreaded the Beast. The only possible advantage to the cold is that it gives you a reason to get drunk and forget, but believe me when I tell you that when you live in Illinois, you don't need one more reason to get drunk and forget. So I got out. Right after High School, I packed up my Ma's ride and headed south to North Carolina. Land of milk and honey. Well, technically, the Land of Pepsi and Kudzu, but close enough.
Here's the thing: I think that the Beast wanted me to leave. Pushed me out, in fact. My first Christmas Break back home, the temperature, with wind chill, was over ninety degrees below zero. Again, I say, below zero. The scales surpassed the "skin freezes on contact" phase and dipped below the "full-body ice cream headache" mark and plummeted past the "Hey! Where did my big toe go?" level. We officially hit the "You have got to be f-ing kidding me" line. I prefer to think that the Beast was giving me one final reminder that leaving home was the right thing to do, but looking back now, I guess it makes more sense that the Beast was actually trying to kill me, so that I could never leave. I have been back home many times since and the Beast has never hit quite as hard as it did that day. I won.
Now, after living in the South for many years, my blood having gone from a thick, gooey molasses to a light and slick olive oil, I have been transformed metabolically into a warm weather junkie. But I earned it. I defeated the Beast. I've got a necklace made of its teeth.
And now, after so much painful exposition, I come to the point of my ramblings. Here in the Greensboro area today, schools were cancelled and people stayed home from work. It is around 34 degrees (ABOVE ZERO!) here with a light dusting of snow. But mostly rain. And by a "light dusting", I mean that if it was snowing cocaine, one could not catch a buzz by snorting the entire interstate. With the wind chill, it might reach 20 degrees tonight. Might. In Illinois, we call this weather, "Spring."
I am forced to wonder what kind of pantywaists we are raising in this country. If kids are given a free pass when the weather is uncomfortable or the roads are dusty, what are they gonna do when faced with a real problem? I'll tell ya what: they are gonna pee themselves. And then we've got a nation of thin-blooded, wet-panted sissies that are afraid of a thermometer.
And the Beast loves that. It looks for wet-panted sissies and sends tornadoes to their trailer parks. The Beast will find you and make you pay. Oh yes. You. Will. Pay.
Man, that last paragraph would sound so cool if you could get that guy that does movie trailers to read it.
Fear the Beast!

Maybe you actually CAN be too careful

I was driving home from work last night when Tom Petty's American Girl came on the radio. Thirty seconds in, I realized I was making a deliberate and conscious effort not to sing along. Because obviously if you're alone and driving and singing along to American Girl, when you get home you'll just have to deal with some scary handicapped dude parked in your driveway who needs your help loading a crappy sofa into the back of his van. And I think we all know how that ends.

Ten

Now I know why I shouldn't do a review every season of AR. A season never appears to end.
However, we are getting close to the end and one assumes a righteous God will strike down one or all of these competitors in a glorious blaze of justice. Or maybe nothing quite that graphic, let us hope Daddy turns an ankle.
Sunday night promised to mercifully get us down to the final three teams, who will then race to the finish in next week's season finale.
Let's just jump right in....
The Hippies are WAY in last after last week's major debacle with their flight. They aren't stressed, however and I think we all know why. I speak, of course, of the Guatemalan Green Grass Mojumbo. See, the great thing about pot is that you can make up completely plausible variations in seconds! I mean, that's ONE of the great things about pot.
Though Nate and Jen wanted to be in first, wanting doesn't always get you there. We are reminded that this week will include a speed bump for the Hippies. That means they'll be even further behind at some point. But, you know what? This is the Amazing Race and they LOVE to get teams caught up or it's not much of a race.
Okay, we're off!
Sissy says Daddy is trying harder. I don't buy it. If you have to try SO HARD to stop being a jerk, then it is really going to work? That's what they teach you at AA.
This race day just happens to be Jen's birthday. She has informed us that now the race IS ON! They are not playing "nice Jen and Nate" anymore. Wait, they were playing the NICE Jen and Nate? When was that exactly?
Teams are on their way to their first clue. Ah, of course. The teams arrive at the first clue to discover that the building doesn't open until 10 AM, which will conveniently allow the Hippies to catch up. I never buy this, because that's not the permanent sign for that building, it's put there by AR producers to change the outcome of the game. Which I guess is okay, because I like Team Hippie.
Gramps is sad because he can't run fast. He should be eligible to be pushed in a wheelchair.
Teams find out they have to fly to Taipei.
Sissy speaking Japanese sure is a nice perk. Anyone else think it's more than a little unfair that they speak the language of the location of the two of final legs of race? I mean, c'mon, getting a cab alone has to take five minutes less when you can tell the driver where you want to go.
Nick and Gramps from Team GG are spunky. Nick just said, "We've been playing the game like bitches so far and so has everyone else." He's disgusted with the lackluster competition. Yeah, so is the viewing audience, Nick. If it wasn't for Jen and Nate, we all would've have turn off the TV by now.
I don't honestly believe that Nate thinks Taiwan is home to Thai people and food. That has to be a joke. He may be a jerk, but he's not that stupid, I hope.
The Hippies continue to be slowed by the fact that the entire world is totally in slow motion right now, dude.
Jen's special day is off to a roaring start, as Nate says something about what a whiner she is and she replies, "I can't believe you're going to be this mean to me on my birthday, I didn't even do anything." This is the problem with people that are chronic morons. They don't have to do anything, because their mere existence justifies any animosity.
Team Daddy is on the first flight to Taiwan, then Team GG and Nate and Jen are on the second flight. Hippies are on the third flight, which can't bode well for their chances. It's not that much later of a flight, however, so we'll see.
Well, there you have it, the Hippies caught up at immigration at the airport in Taipei. Basically, all teams but Team Daddy are tied for second.
Jen is particularly upset with Team Hippie this week. She doesn't feel that their existence, either in life or this race, is justified. She says she "wants to rip the dreads out" of the head of the Hippie King.
According to Daddy, "trains in Japan run like German clockwork." And German cars run like Japanese massage parlors. Always a happy ending.
Nate and Jen better be in the final three. They are the only personality left on the show. Mean, sad, and frustrated is better than nothing.
The first road block is insane and I'm not even going to explain it, because if you aren't watching the show by now, that's your own damn fault. But take my word for it, it was awesome. It involved people almost pooping their pants in fear.
Team GG seems to dislike the Hippies too. They want to shave some hippie beard.
Daddy looked terrified on the car roadblock thingie there. It's always amusing to see people in genuine terror.
The Amazing Race is now officially trying to turn The Redemption of Daddy into the story of the season. This only points to the fact that they will probably win the whole thing, because then they can say, Wow, this team really overcame its problems and deserved to win. I'm not buying it. He's a jerk and that won't change. Don't insult my intelligence AR, I've got a tenuous enough hold on reality as it is. Plus, his t-shirts are unforgivable.
Nate laughs like a dorkwad. A cross between Horseshack and a dying llama.
The aforementioned speed bump challenge for Team Hippie involves fireworks madness. Again, not gonna explain. There are fireworks and there is madness. You play with the visual in your mind.
Gramps, during the car road block, "I hope the f-in' brakes work in this thing." That's pretty much exactly what I would've been screaming.
Is it just me or is everyone pronouncing Taipei wrong? Have I been wrong all my life? It is Tie Pay, isn't it? Not Tap Eye?
Jen tried begging from the bottom of her heart. As if she has a heart.
Team GG, Team Hippie, and Nate and Jen are all on the same train to the next task and Jen is stressing.
Jen, "I just don't understand why we're working so hard. TK and Rachael are just slacking off."
Looks like a foregone conclusion that Team Daddy are gonna be in first.
Jen is still stressed as they get off the train, "This is the most intense part of the race, right here." One of these three teams will be eliminated like a bad Mexican burrito.
Nate is, as always, sympathetic, "We don't want to go out on Jenny's birthday." Oh, it's Jenny now?
How fair is it that Sissy can read Japanese when a task involves learning to read Japanese? Anyone?
Time for Detour- Fire or Earth.
Fire is lighting Japanese Sky Lanterns (20). Lame-O.
Earth- Teams must walk down a 220 foot path made of protruding stones, barefoot, and then return on the same path. The stones look a little painful to walk on, hence the challenge.
Team Daddy completes the Earth challenge, no problem. They are rock solid at #1.
Team Hippie is doing the Earth challenge next, though well behind Team Daddy.
Jen continues to stress out.
Japanese people do add a nice comic touch to the English language. Find a cow? A clown? A crow?
Sissy is beaming as they arrive at the pit stop in first. She can't believe how close she and her Daddy are now. Whatever!!! I'm now actively rooting against them. It's not a coincidence that they're getting along better than the last two weeks- They've been in first the last two weeks!! What's to fight about???
Nate and Jen were told by a local to take the subway to the next challenge. They're the only team doing that, so it could definitely be a mistake as all the remaining teams are pretty much tied. Neither is confident in the subway decision.
Jen, to Nate, "You need to step up and make the decisions. You're the man."
Nate, "Honestly, Jen, I can't stand you. All you do is freak out. You are a trip. You're the one who got us into this mess." By which he means, the race, the relationship, and the subway decision. "I can't believe you. You're such a poor teammate."
Jen, now with the guilt trip, "Thanks for ruining my birthday. All I asked for was for you to be nice to me today."
"I don't think that's possible."
The dirty hippie is doing well on the Earth challenge.
Back to Jen and Nate arguing in the middle of the street in downtown Tapeye, Jen says. "We need to stay positive right now." Yeah, she's the expert on that.
Nate is having trouble on the stone path. Jen says. "You can do it, just be light on your toes."
Oh no, it comes down to this- teams are having trouble getting a taxi again.
Team Hippie is in second!
Skeleton Hippie; "Anybody who says we haven't been trying- we've been trying our best the whole time."
Team GG in third!!
"Nate and Jen, I'm sorry to tell you you're the last team to arrive."
Jen and Nate are elimiNated! Nated. Get it?
Just as Phil tells them they are the last team to arrive, Nate shouts, "Awwwww Fuuuuuuuudge."
And now for the moment we never saw coming, Jen says, "I think we killed our relationship on the race." What? That's crazy talk.
Nate's crying. Jen hugs him...aaaannnddd scene.
Season Finale next week!!!! Tune in for the madness.

For Better or BLAHBLAHBLAH

You know you've reached a special phase of your marriage when you want to bring a video camera into the bedroom. To see which one of you is ACTUALLY stealing the comforter at night.
The covers are on my side because you shove them over there!!!!
Seriously, the vows never mentioned any of this.

Toga

Certainly, there has been no shortage of moments in Katie Holmes' life in recent years that have made me go, "Wait, SERIOUSLY?" And that's just from the couch jumping and the engagement and pregnancy and wedding and fashion-embracing and Posh-befriending; it doesn't even include anything that's happened behind closed doors. Not that I'm implying her husband is odd or anything. He's totally normal to me. Everyone I know leaps onto their living room set at least twice daily. Furniture is a thrill.
At any rate, all things considered, nothing should surprise me with her any more. Yet somehow I still caught myself saying aloud this morning, "Wait....SERIOUSLY? Since when did Katie Holmes become someone who could pull off a TOGA?"

Let me clarify: The dress itself does nothing for me. It definitely has the whiff of bed sheet about it, like maybe her exuberant husband grabbed one off the bed and ran around her twice and then screamed, "GLORIOUS," before hitting his head on the four-poster bed and passing out cold.
But Katie IN the dress...this I like. Granted, her first best move was to realize that America loves Suri, and that she should reinvent her cranium in her wee sprog's image. They are seriously ever-more spitting images of one another. As for the dress, though, it kind of takes on a Quality on her body. It's still kind of boring to me on its own merits, and I think on a lot of people I'd be wailing and pulling out my hair. Katie, though, looks really rather pretty. The makeup is tasteful, her bod is amazing- I would like very much to borrow her shoulders, if she's looking to broaden her range of charitable acts--and although the shoes are fairly standard, they ALSO appear to fit her, make her legs look fabulous, and don't overshadow the overall look. As a result, I glance at the dress, but inevitably my attention turns to her hair, her face, her skin, her figure, and the fact that I am pretty sure she is eleven feet tall. And that's how it should be. The dress isn't wearing her; she, bluntly put, is wearing the crap of it. So you go, Suri-Katie Holmes-Cruise. In my eyes, you won this one.
And feel free to have another kid, because you did a bang-up job the first time. I'm just saying. Think of our needs.

Nine

Dude, I know. Two weeks of no Amazing Race coverage is like the End Times. But it was the holidays, CBS can't show a television show at the time slot in which it's scheduled, our DRV had to be unplugged while we were on vacation, and I'm like 53 pounds overweight. So, perspective, people.
Here's what you need to know: Two weeks ago, on Christmas Eve Eve, nobody was eliminated because it was Jesus's birthday. I heard the episode was lame. People missed planes and then caught up and then everyone sighed a big heavy WHEW! So, you know, VASTLY different from every other week.
Last week, I didn't even watch at all because, I was on a plane returning home. From the written recap on CBS.com (which doesn't even have past episodes of AR online, but sure can post David Caruso squinting his way through another Miami bloodbath), I have determined that the Goths screwed up big time and got themselves eliminated. I know the Goths were the favorites of several of you (myself included), but let's face it, the prize money would've only gone to a mound of crystal meth and Cure remixes. That's no good for anyone.
So here we are with four teams left. I think there's one more non-elimination leg left, which I assumed would be Sunday night, before the teams go into the final three. Let us all say a little prayer (DO IT!) that Nathan and Jen make the final three and then are beaten at the very last second for first place in the finale, so that we can witness a murder/suicide on reality television.
I see we're starting this leg in Mumbai, which used to be Constantinople, but that's nobody's business but the Turks. Or something. The point is, I'm suspicious that I've missed the requisite complaining from the teams about how bad it smells and how there's cows buying Prada bags in the street. Someone feel free to update me if I missed out these last two weeks. In terms of cleanliness Mumbai is truly the Bombay of India.
It appears that the Hippies have stumbled their way into first, which is rather good news considering that I would rather lose my wee-wee-wee toe than see any of the other teams win.
The racers must begin this leg by making their way to Osaka, Japan. Heads up, I will continue to not be able to pronounce the names of any locations in that country either. If there's one thing that Amazing Race has taught us, it's that most countries don't have the common courtesy to name their cities and roads after American Presidents. Shameful.
Just as a brief update on the state of mind of Team Hippie: Anorexic Hippie loves her hairy boyfriend.
We've been informed that the racers have $414 for this leg of the race. No idea why; it's inconsequential.
Gramps from Team Greatest Generation is having a tough time keeping up with his young whippersnapper of a grandson. I guess I kind of like this team too. I'm suspicious that Gramps is mildly racist, but hey, everyone knows that once you turn 60 you're allowed to dislike people based on color of skin, religion, and length and fit of ones pants. It's what makes being old worthwhile. That and the sponge baths.
Gramps is excited about Japan. He says when he was in the service he wanted to go there. To kill people, one assumes? Let's hope someone has told him the war is over or this leg could get dicey. Wait, I've done the math here and he wasn't even 10 during WWII, so maybe he's not looking to go after the Emperor or whatever they did in the Great War.
On Team Daddy, the dysfunction continues. Luckily, for this leg of the race we learn that Sissy has spent time in Japan learning Japanese. Let's hope this prevents Daddy from striking her for being stupid. Although I'm SURE everything will be alright now, because Daddy has admitted that he is wrong in the way he treats her. He doesn't want to beat her, but sometimes she just provokes him, is what I'm hearing. Please forgive him.
Ugh, Nate and Jenn kissed to begin this leg. Jen says their biggest obstacle to overcome is DO what they SAY they're going to do. And, obviously, not murder one another in their sleep. They're shiny-happy all of the sudden and it makes me not like them even more.
Great! In order to get airline tickets, the teams have to deal with Indian customer support, IN INDIA, and face to face appears to be better than any of the phone support I ever get. I'm pretty sure that phone accent is fake.
For some reason, a four star general delivered the airline tickets to Team Hippie. Was that guy auditioning for a Michael Jackson video or what? If you saw the episode, you would know what I mean. What the hell?
Daddy is arguing with the agent and Sissy, differentiating between direct and non-stop. I'm sure this is a critical point, and I'm sure I don't know why. Direct and non-stop are the same, as far as I know. Maybe the stuff is different in India. She scolds him in a different language, which is just funnier. I see that whole resolution to be a better Daddy lasted all of about 5 milliseconds.
When the hippies get to the airline counter, they ask, "Has there been anyone like us here yet?". Uh, no, there are no other skeletons or white Rastafarians popping about.
STILL with the Who's Your Daddy shirts? Please stop.
Now Daddy says, "I would like to be a father that could change overnight, but blah, blah, blah, this race is a difficult situation." Yes, we all know that it is a long and difficult road back from being a jerk.
That Mumbai to Osaka flight doesn't look like it's too much fun. What is about 800 hours?
Hippies are on a totally different flight than everyone else, leaving first, stopping three times. They appear to be worried. Could be way out in front, could be dead last.
Okay, well, it's immediately obvious that they are screwed apparently. All other teams come in on the flight ahead of them. I don't know what the heck happened that made them think they were on a better flight that made THREE stops.
Nate and Jen are the first from the airport.
I have a feeling that being able to speak Japanese may help just a tad during this leg. Expect big things from Team Daddy.
Gramps thinks Japan is a clean and wonderful country. He's right, it looks pretty amazing.
Nobody knows where the hippies are, but Daddy's gut feel is that the hippies are behind them. And he's got a hernia, so I guess we should trust his gut?
Gramps says, "Anything is possible on the race!", to which Nick says, "Man, that's so cliche". Someone had to say it.
Teams must find a train station cleaning man. That's exciting, AR. This is where the show really starts to lag in later episodes. Let's hope there's a runaway bus somewhere in Osaka.
Gramps is really worried about Sissy, because she speaks Japanese (he assumes) and she's from "some big falutin' college." It's Princeton, and yes, their motto is "We're pret' Damn High Falutin', Ya'll. Come on Down and Study a Spell!"
Thing you didn't know before today: Japanese cabs have crazy fancy side view mirrors.
Why the heck are Nate and Jen so happy all of the sudden? What kind of Indian Poppies did the Hippies share with them?
The first task- Become a Japanese taxi driver.
Man, being a Japanese cabbie is like being royalty or something. The career hierarchy in the Japanese class system: Cab Drive, Karaoke Singer, Doctor, Hello Kitty Collector, General Businessman. Make a note.
Jen has to take time out to see how hot she is in the taxi cab hat they are making her wear.
Daddy continues to be supportive, as his daughter is doing the taxi driving task: "Christina is not very good at driving, she doesn't have a good sense of direction." Oh well, you know women.
This task will suck. They can't take a local with them for directions and Japan is strangely a mass of one way streets. Let's hope they mean one way in different directions and not all in the same direction, because that would make things considerably more difficult.
Sissy says she only uses public transportation. She not doing a ton for the reputation of Asian Female drives, who are normally impeccable drivers. (Cough)
Jen is bummed because everything in Japan is in Japanese. The nerve of them.
After much hassle, Jen completes the task and is moving on to a 16th century Buddhist temple.
Jen is excellent at communicating to their new cab driver, who does not speak a lick of English, "We are in a- LOOK AT ME (pointing to her eyes)- we are in a RACE!" As she's saying this, she's swinging her arms like Jesse Owens in the '36 Olympics.
Nick is lost and mixed up. It's easier to land a plane than it is to drive in Osaka, according to him. But could he drive a plane in Osaka? That is not known. He stuck dead in the middle of traffic, causing a jam. Do the Japanese swear and wish you a horrible, painful death when you screw up traffic or is that just a wonderfully American trait? Or is that a wonderful my Husband trait?
All teams have finished the first task just as the Hippies arrive in Osaka. If this isn't a non-elimination leg, the Hippies are totally screwed here.
Nate cannot listen to Jen and watch someone drive at the same time. He's got the brain of a squirrel. You can really see the hatred in her eyes for him there, like she's thinking, "I wonder what laws are for pushing someone out a moving cab in Japan?"
Daddy and Sissy's cab is about 29 seconds from dying, just to make things interesting. He's wheezing like an old Asian cabbie. Oh, that's where that expression comes from!
Next stop- Sense of Touch versus Sense of Smell. Teams can either try to control robots to score a soccer goal by cell phone or search for one real flower among a frilion fake flowers just on smell alone. It is a dumb as it sounds and I'm really not liking this leg of the race.
Jen says that she "frickin' has the nose of a bloodhound", so they will smell their way through the flowers.
Team Daddy is going for smell too. Team GG is going for robots.
Gramps says, "Son of a bitch! I'm not very good at this because I don't do video games." Except for the whole part where this is robots and cell phones, he's got a good point.
As they are smelling their way along, Nate yells at Jen, "Would you just be quiet and smell? All I hear is you talking!" He wants to hear more smelling, I guess? Squirrel brain.
Gramps and Nic have to score a robotic goal a piece. Don't make me explain, I'm very tired.
Nate and Jen are in first. They found the flower because of her bloodhoundedness.
Daddy tells Sissy to Shut Up! after she whispers that she found the flower. He's really pushing hard for Father of The Year.
Though Nate and Jen are in first, Sissy and Daddy find a taxi at the pit stop first. Jen is not happy. Finally. It's just not worth watching if she's going to be in a good mood.
Jen keeps doing the arm flailing motion to indicate they are in a race. I don't think it's a universal symbol.
As they find a cab, Nate pushes Jen into the back seat so they can get going:
"I cannot believe you just friggin' pushed me!"
"I didn't push you."
"That could cost us."
"No, it couldn't' t! Just be positive!"
Ah, young love in Japan. Such a beautiful sight.
Sissy and Daddy are in first because they got a cab. And they won electric vehicles, which are not described in any way, shape, or form which I guess means some kind of sponsorship fell through or something? I don't know. Sissy says that Daddy didn't lose his temper once this leg, NOT ONCE. Except for when he did. How soon they forget the direct vs. non-stop arguments of yore.
Nate and Jen are #2. According to Jen, it is on.
Nate (with tremendous confidence): "The best team is going to finish last, and that's going to be Jen and I. Uh, I mean, finish the last leg first. Jen looking at him like he's mentally challenged.
Nick and Gramps are in third.
So the Hippies are way behind everyone, in last. Of course the dirty Hippie says, "I'm not going to allow myself to freak out about anything..."
And of course, none of it matters because it turns out that this is the last non-elimination leg, as I said. The Hippies are in last place, three hours behind all the other teams, plus they have a "speed bump" which is an extra task in the next leg. Probably won't make a bit of difference.
So, next week it's four teams racing to determine who will be in the final push for the Grande Finale. They better step it up with an ox or something next week, or I'm gonna be angry.

Little Grandma

Emerence Sells Anderson
September 10, 1906 - January 1, 2008

Myself, Grandma Madeline, and Great Grandma Anderson circa 1978

This New Years Day, my family lost it's matriarch, who lived to be 101 years old. My Great Grandmother (seen above in the background) was born in Belgium and immigrated to the city of Chicago in 1916. Emerence was born in 1906. The same year that the first Victor Victrola, a phonographic record player, was manufactured and President Theodore Roosevelt became the first US President to make an official trip outside the US while visiting the construction site of the Panama Canal.
Some events that occured within the span of her lifetime include: The First World War, both the rise and fall of the Berlin Wall, the Second World War, the Vietnam War, the first artificial heart invention, the Great Depression, the Gulf War, the Chicago Cubs winning the World Series, Kennedy's assassination, Apple Computer created, the Korean War, Chernobyl, Man landing on the Moon, and 9/11 changed our lives. Throughout these events, she managed to marry, own a business, raise a family, and survive the death of her husband, granddaughter, and great grandson. One child, three grandchildren and six great grand-children are her legacy.
I think I owe her for my fondness of correspondence. Throughout the years, she always made sure my mailbox was full of cards and letters. Holidays, birthdays, and special times were always remembered and it was comforting to know that I was always on her mind. During my years away at school, she would enclose a dollar in her envelope. This was the same amount that she gave my Dad when he was in college, back when a dollar stretched a little further! I believe that she may be the reason that I continue to send cards to those people who are important to me.
I leave for Fort Lauderdale next week to attend her memorial service. This side of my family has dwindled in size during recent decades and most of her friends have long since passed. It is important to me to be there to honor what a special Grandma she was. She was loved and will be missed.

Spa Treatment

After finally returning home from the holidays, I was sorting through something like ten days of stockpiled mail yesterday, when I came across a thin legal-sized envelope sent from a local spa. I'd used a gift certificate for a service there months ago, so for once I let the part of my brain screaming COUPONS! overrule the bigger part of my brain screaming COLLECTIONS! and I opted to open it rather than tear it in half and set it on fire. It was a business letter typed on formal letterhead admonishing me for not having returned to the spa for additional services.
"At the time of your service," it read snidely, "We recommended you schedule regular follow up appointments in order to maintain a high level of personal health." Having failed to make said appointments I was now, apparently, in danger of being mistaken for mold.
Wow, they seemed pretty mad at me, the spa people, pretty harsh. I reread the whole thing to make sure I didn't owe somebody some cash. But no, they were really just scolding me for neglecting my aesthetic health.
The treatment I'd gotten at the spa was a Vanilla Rose Sugar Glow body wrap. It was nice and all, kind of like being scrubbed down with a cupcake, but I'm pretty sure it didn't add anything noteworthy to my overall life span. It's not like I'm missing chemotherapy appointments or ditching my parole officer. Thanks for the tough love concern, spa, but from here on out I think I'll just so the best I can with Lever 2000 and a washcloth. If it helps you sleep at night, just tell yourself it's like methadone.
PS- Oh, and fire everyone if your marketing department immediately.