Nine

Dude, I know. Two weeks of no Amazing Race coverage is like the End Times. But it was the holidays, CBS can't show a television show at the time slot in which it's scheduled, our DRV had to be unplugged while we were on vacation, and I'm like 53 pounds overweight. So, perspective, people.
Here's what you need to know: Two weeks ago, on Christmas Eve Eve, nobody was eliminated because it was Jesus's birthday. I heard the episode was lame. People missed planes and then caught up and then everyone sighed a big heavy WHEW! So, you know, VASTLY different from every other week.
Last week, I didn't even watch at all because, I was on a plane returning home. From the written recap on CBS.com (which doesn't even have past episodes of AR online, but sure can post David Caruso squinting his way through another Miami bloodbath), I have determined that the Goths screwed up big time and got themselves eliminated. I know the Goths were the favorites of several of you (myself included), but let's face it, the prize money would've only gone to a mound of crystal meth and Cure remixes. That's no good for anyone.
So here we are with four teams left. I think there's one more non-elimination leg left, which I assumed would be Sunday night, before the teams go into the final three. Let us all say a little prayer (DO IT!) that Nathan and Jen make the final three and then are beaten at the very last second for first place in the finale, so that we can witness a murder/suicide on reality television.
I see we're starting this leg in Mumbai, which used to be Constantinople, but that's nobody's business but the Turks. Or something. The point is, I'm suspicious that I've missed the requisite complaining from the teams about how bad it smells and how there's cows buying Prada bags in the street. Someone feel free to update me if I missed out these last two weeks. In terms of cleanliness Mumbai is truly the Bombay of India.
It appears that the Hippies have stumbled their way into first, which is rather good news considering that I would rather lose my wee-wee-wee toe than see any of the other teams win.
The racers must begin this leg by making their way to Osaka, Japan. Heads up, I will continue to not be able to pronounce the names of any locations in that country either. If there's one thing that Amazing Race has taught us, it's that most countries don't have the common courtesy to name their cities and roads after American Presidents. Shameful.
Just as a brief update on the state of mind of Team Hippie: Anorexic Hippie loves her hairy boyfriend.
We've been informed that the racers have $414 for this leg of the race. No idea why; it's inconsequential.
Gramps from Team Greatest Generation is having a tough time keeping up with his young whippersnapper of a grandson. I guess I kind of like this team too. I'm suspicious that Gramps is mildly racist, but hey, everyone knows that once you turn 60 you're allowed to dislike people based on color of skin, religion, and length and fit of ones pants. It's what makes being old worthwhile. That and the sponge baths.
Gramps is excited about Japan. He says when he was in the service he wanted to go there. To kill people, one assumes? Let's hope someone has told him the war is over or this leg could get dicey. Wait, I've done the math here and he wasn't even 10 during WWII, so maybe he's not looking to go after the Emperor or whatever they did in the Great War.
On Team Daddy, the dysfunction continues. Luckily, for this leg of the race we learn that Sissy has spent time in Japan learning Japanese. Let's hope this prevents Daddy from striking her for being stupid. Although I'm SURE everything will be alright now, because Daddy has admitted that he is wrong in the way he treats her. He doesn't want to beat her, but sometimes she just provokes him, is what I'm hearing. Please forgive him.
Ugh, Nate and Jenn kissed to begin this leg. Jen says their biggest obstacle to overcome is DO what they SAY they're going to do. And, obviously, not murder one another in their sleep. They're shiny-happy all of the sudden and it makes me not like them even more.
Great! In order to get airline tickets, the teams have to deal with Indian customer support, IN INDIA, and face to face appears to be better than any of the phone support I ever get. I'm pretty sure that phone accent is fake.
For some reason, a four star general delivered the airline tickets to Team Hippie. Was that guy auditioning for a Michael Jackson video or what? If you saw the episode, you would know what I mean. What the hell?
Daddy is arguing with the agent and Sissy, differentiating between direct and non-stop. I'm sure this is a critical point, and I'm sure I don't know why. Direct and non-stop are the same, as far as I know. Maybe the stuff is different in India. She scolds him in a different language, which is just funnier. I see that whole resolution to be a better Daddy lasted all of about 5 milliseconds.
When the hippies get to the airline counter, they ask, "Has there been anyone like us here yet?". Uh, no, there are no other skeletons or white Rastafarians popping about.
STILL with the Who's Your Daddy shirts? Please stop.
Now Daddy says, "I would like to be a father that could change overnight, but blah, blah, blah, this race is a difficult situation." Yes, we all know that it is a long and difficult road back from being a jerk.
That Mumbai to Osaka flight doesn't look like it's too much fun. What is about 800 hours?
Hippies are on a totally different flight than everyone else, leaving first, stopping three times. They appear to be worried. Could be way out in front, could be dead last.
Okay, well, it's immediately obvious that they are screwed apparently. All other teams come in on the flight ahead of them. I don't know what the heck happened that made them think they were on a better flight that made THREE stops.
Nate and Jen are the first from the airport.
I have a feeling that being able to speak Japanese may help just a tad during this leg. Expect big things from Team Daddy.
Gramps thinks Japan is a clean and wonderful country. He's right, it looks pretty amazing.
Nobody knows where the hippies are, but Daddy's gut feel is that the hippies are behind them. And he's got a hernia, so I guess we should trust his gut?
Gramps says, "Anything is possible on the race!", to which Nick says, "Man, that's so cliche". Someone had to say it.
Teams must find a train station cleaning man. That's exciting, AR. This is where the show really starts to lag in later episodes. Let's hope there's a runaway bus somewhere in Osaka.
Gramps is really worried about Sissy, because she speaks Japanese (he assumes) and she's from "some big falutin' college." It's Princeton, and yes, their motto is "We're pret' Damn High Falutin', Ya'll. Come on Down and Study a Spell!"
Thing you didn't know before today: Japanese cabs have crazy fancy side view mirrors.
Why the heck are Nate and Jen so happy all of the sudden? What kind of Indian Poppies did the Hippies share with them?
The first task- Become a Japanese taxi driver.
Man, being a Japanese cabbie is like being royalty or something. The career hierarchy in the Japanese class system: Cab Drive, Karaoke Singer, Doctor, Hello Kitty Collector, General Businessman. Make a note.
Jen has to take time out to see how hot she is in the taxi cab hat they are making her wear.
Daddy continues to be supportive, as his daughter is doing the taxi driving task: "Christina is not very good at driving, she doesn't have a good sense of direction." Oh well, you know women.
This task will suck. They can't take a local with them for directions and Japan is strangely a mass of one way streets. Let's hope they mean one way in different directions and not all in the same direction, because that would make things considerably more difficult.
Sissy says she only uses public transportation. She not doing a ton for the reputation of Asian Female drives, who are normally impeccable drivers. (Cough)
Jen is bummed because everything in Japan is in Japanese. The nerve of them.
After much hassle, Jen completes the task and is moving on to a 16th century Buddhist temple.
Jen is excellent at communicating to their new cab driver, who does not speak a lick of English, "We are in a- LOOK AT ME (pointing to her eyes)- we are in a RACE!" As she's saying this, she's swinging her arms like Jesse Owens in the '36 Olympics.
Nick is lost and mixed up. It's easier to land a plane than it is to drive in Osaka, according to him. But could he drive a plane in Osaka? That is not known. He stuck dead in the middle of traffic, causing a jam. Do the Japanese swear and wish you a horrible, painful death when you screw up traffic or is that just a wonderfully American trait? Or is that a wonderful my Husband trait?
All teams have finished the first task just as the Hippies arrive in Osaka. If this isn't a non-elimination leg, the Hippies are totally screwed here.
Nate cannot listen to Jen and watch someone drive at the same time. He's got the brain of a squirrel. You can really see the hatred in her eyes for him there, like she's thinking, "I wonder what laws are for pushing someone out a moving cab in Japan?"
Daddy and Sissy's cab is about 29 seconds from dying, just to make things interesting. He's wheezing like an old Asian cabbie. Oh, that's where that expression comes from!
Next stop- Sense of Touch versus Sense of Smell. Teams can either try to control robots to score a soccer goal by cell phone or search for one real flower among a frilion fake flowers just on smell alone. It is a dumb as it sounds and I'm really not liking this leg of the race.
Jen says that she "frickin' has the nose of a bloodhound", so they will smell their way through the flowers.
Team Daddy is going for smell too. Team GG is going for robots.
Gramps says, "Son of a bitch! I'm not very good at this because I don't do video games." Except for the whole part where this is robots and cell phones, he's got a good point.
As they are smelling their way along, Nate yells at Jen, "Would you just be quiet and smell? All I hear is you talking!" He wants to hear more smelling, I guess? Squirrel brain.
Gramps and Nic have to score a robotic goal a piece. Don't make me explain, I'm very tired.
Nate and Jen are in first. They found the flower because of her bloodhoundedness.
Daddy tells Sissy to Shut Up! after she whispers that she found the flower. He's really pushing hard for Father of The Year.
Though Nate and Jen are in first, Sissy and Daddy find a taxi at the pit stop first. Jen is not happy. Finally. It's just not worth watching if she's going to be in a good mood.
Jen keeps doing the arm flailing motion to indicate they are in a race. I don't think it's a universal symbol.
As they find a cab, Nate pushes Jen into the back seat so they can get going:
"I cannot believe you just friggin' pushed me!"
"I didn't push you."
"That could cost us."
"No, it couldn't' t! Just be positive!"
Ah, young love in Japan. Such a beautiful sight.
Sissy and Daddy are in first because they got a cab. And they won electric vehicles, which are not described in any way, shape, or form which I guess means some kind of sponsorship fell through or something? I don't know. Sissy says that Daddy didn't lose his temper once this leg, NOT ONCE. Except for when he did. How soon they forget the direct vs. non-stop arguments of yore.
Nate and Jen are #2. According to Jen, it is on.
Nate (with tremendous confidence): "The best team is going to finish last, and that's going to be Jen and I. Uh, I mean, finish the last leg first. Jen looking at him like he's mentally challenged.
Nick and Gramps are in third.
So the Hippies are way behind everyone, in last. Of course the dirty Hippie says, "I'm not going to allow myself to freak out about anything..."
And of course, none of it matters because it turns out that this is the last non-elimination leg, as I said. The Hippies are in last place, three hours behind all the other teams, plus they have a "speed bump" which is an extra task in the next leg. Probably won't make a bit of difference.
So, next week it's four teams racing to determine who will be in the final push for the Grande Finale. They better step it up with an ox or something next week, or I'm gonna be angry.