Shocking Developements

There are many, many reasons that I despise Winter, but right there near the top of the list, after finger-freezing cold and frozen snotsickles, is static electricity. Nature has created several things that I don't begin to understand-nipples on men, for example-but static electricity is one of the most annoying. As I sit here working in my office today, surrounded by electricical equipment, I feel confident in saying that I will likely be killed by a bright blue arcing bolt of current the next time I unwittingly shuffle across the room and touch anything with metal on it. I've now shocked myself approximately 2,546 times in the last three days. There are black burn marks on my fingers from being zapped. At some point the jolts are going to upset the normal Motownesque beating of my heart, causing an arrhythmia that will leave me cursing and twitching on the floor like I'm in an early '90s Prince video.