Home

We leave for Chicago on Sunday. Thirteen or so hours in a car. Luckily, we are flying so it will only take us a couple hours. If the weather cooperates. Otherwise, it might still take us thirteen hours. I did all of my shopping ahead of time, just like the Wise Men. I got all my Christmas cards done early, just like every year, because being a control freak is my vice and I want everything checked off my list before I go home.
Home. Everything there is bigger and time is measured differently. People smile at me and laugh with me and understand me. My Mom will look into my eyes and tell me that she loves me so much as she holds my face in her soft, worn hands. She has been looking forward to this visit for over a year now. Finally home for Christmas.

"You are brilliant and subtle if you come from Illinois and really strange and you live as you live and you are always very well taken care of if you come from Illinois."- Gertrude Stein

Tree Skirt

I know the holidays are a confusing time, when we're all telling ourselves lies about how we're going to eat less sugar this time around and not splurge as much on gifts, and then all the sudden we're sitting on the couch watching A Christmas Story while shoving mince pies in our faces with tape stuck to our legs because we're wrapping a neverending pile of presents. It's a roller-coaster. But that's no excuse for this:

I mean, I shouldn't HAVE to point out that "tree skirt" actually DOES mean "skirt for the base of your tree." And yet I could swear I saw one in this exact style on sale at Target the other day. I suppose it's a bit Project Runway-style creativity to cross-breed one of them with a ski jacket, but in all, I am reasonably certain I could stick her under my tree and cover her in presents and no one would know the difference.

Six

We've all been there, haven't we? The first heated flush of love rushing through our bodies, shooting thoughts and desires to every tip of our being? You never want the feeling to fade. It's breathtaking, like a sunset make entirely of kittens. Then one day you realize that this amazingly perfect person is a whining girl and/or moronic boy. It's a bit of a downer, yes, but let's face it, inevitable. Because, God love us, we're all a pain in the rear to be around sometimes. The real trick to ensuring that this realization doesn't put you into years of therapy or bunny strangulation is to attempt to make the break-up amicable. In other words, you have to force yourself to say to the other person, "Hello person to whom I've swapped bodily fluids. I honor our time together, but I must now take my leave of you, for you have bovine excrement for brains." I mean, that's one way to go. Or you can tell the person that you hate them with a passion on a five-time Emmy award winning television show, while pretending to paddle a boat on the other side of the world as several million people laugh at your pain.
And that's the promise of this week, as Jen from Team 273.5a looks to be reaching the pinnacle of her hatred for her boyfriend, Nate. It's a hatred that appears to have been building roughly since the moment he put his dong in some other girl's ding. Though to be fair to Jen, I'm pretty sure she's always been an annoying gash, so let's not sell the hatred short.
The two annoying blondes from Team Dumbblonde are gone after getting eliminated last week, but don't cry for them.
This week begins in Vilnius at some really old windmill. Probably because the last leg totally blew. See what I did there?
"Will Nate be able to change his behavior under stress?" On a scale of 1 to 10, I'm going to guess, NO. Do ANY of us EVER change our behavior under stress? Here's a little clue to several of you feisty gals out there: If your male life-companion at some point punches the fridge because SOMEONE forgot to get out the ham today, then chances are good that he's not real good under stress and probably won't be changing any time in the next 60-80 years.
The hippies won last week and received a trip to Japan, where the hippie says he's been wanting to go for the last 4 years. My guess is that he wants to train with Ninjas. Pot smoking ninjas. Pot smoking ninjas that are into Floyd. Totally, dude. Totally.
The first stop in this leg of the race is Croatia! It's my personal favorite country that sounds like an erectile dysfunction medicine. "Try Croatia, it's got the power to keep you up all night, but your girlfriend won't mind!" (Wink at camera). They have to head to the Fort of St. Lawrence in Dubrovnik, Croatia. I've heard that there's a ton of Larrys in Croatia, so this makes perfect sense. Patron saint of inappropriate scratching, St. Larry, if I remember my bible history correctly.
The dirty hippie re-iterates their strategy as, "We're just trying to be cool and stay into keeping a mellow head", to which his skeletonous female hippie companion replies, "That's healthy and good for our state of mind." Bro. Brooooooo. Righteous.
Kurt of Team Goth is all rambunctious. Says he wants the honor of hearing Phil say that they are team #1. First things first, skippy. How 'bout you just don't finish last, mkay?
Once again, Daddy from Team Daddy is criticizing Sissy. Please reference my earlier thoughts on trying to get a man to change his behavior under stress. At the airport ticket counter, Daddy is very nice to the agent, trying to get information from her. Sissy whispers to him, "See how nice you are to her? You should be that nice to me." So now Sissy is jealous of a European ticketing agent. Healthy.
The hippies are kinda trying to work with the goths because they feel comfortable with each other's unique personality quirks.
Is it racist that I can't see myself feeling comfortable on either Czech Airlines nor Polish Air? I bet they have fun in the cockpit of Czech Airlines though:
"Flaps?"
"Czech!"
"Electrical?"
"Czech!"
"Hydraulics?"
"Czech!"
I heard that Polish Air doesn't let people recline their seats because the pilot wonders where everyone is going.
Jen from Team 273.5a is excited for Croatia. However, she says that she "looks back with regrets because they've fought so much." As far as them being together in the end, "the rest of race will determine whether or not that happens." I, for one, don't need to wait that long. It's like sitting on the life raft of the Titanic and saying. "I'll bet that shuffleboard gets canceled tomorrow, but let's wait and see."
Beaker F says she used to have a roommate who spoke Croatian, so she knows how to say some things, like "there's a party in my pants." Her brother says, "Hopefully we can get a few dollars with that." Ew.
There is a ton of airport drama again, as we await the results of the ever-exciting ticketing purchasing process. Most teams are in line, waiting for one of the airlines to open up for business. Vyxsin asked Kurt, "Why is everyone in line?", to which he replies, "because they're sheep." He's such a poser, it's embarrassing. He probably wants to slap himself, because he embodies so much of what he hates. That is the eternal paradox of the goth. It's a hard knock life, I'll tell you what.
Ugh! I am so sick of airport drama. I know it's tense and everything, but it's getting old. As part of the drama, Daddy and Kurt get into a little hissy fit with each other, but I really don't have the energy to describe the people getting upset about airlines. People are getting into lines and leaving lines, blah-blah-blah. Everyone wants to get some flight, any flight to Croatia. People start to lose their heads a little when they're not sure if they can get a flight out, because you really don't want to lose The Amazing Race at an airport.
Ah, the hippies stuck to the plan, man. Don't get out of line, that's what the man wants you to do.
Beaker M is about to get physical with his sister, Beaker F. "Don't give me the attitude, okay? Do you understand that?" as he lays an arm across her shoulder, whispering. It cracks me up that there people forget all about the microphones they are wearing! This was actually a really creepy and ominous exchange. Dude's got anger issues.
Okay, so the teams aren't allowed to book business class tickets, only economy. However, in some kind of mix-up, the Beakers got business class. By the time they tried to get the tickets exchanged, the flight was booked and gone. This would normally cost them the race, but it's probably a non-elimination leg. Of course, I always think that.
There's more airport drama-half the episode-but I'm not getting into it. Feel free to fill in details in the comments if you're so inclined. Long story short, there were four flights in all eventually getting into Croatia and Nate and Jen are in first.
Croatia is getting some awesome tourism advertising here, what a beautiful place! "We have never seen a view like this," says Jen, who has seen most of southern California, so she knows of what she speaks.
Road Block- Racers must help out rebuilding Dubrovnik walls damaged by a war, which basically consists of finding a rock that matches a hole in a wall.
Daddy and Sissy first to task. Daddy says, "This is harder than I think it is." Yeah, it really looks like it's..wait, what?
Next up, teams take a tandem zip line from the top of the fort to the next clue. Daddy says, "Are you sure this is safe? I just ate-I might just throw up my lunch." It looks like an amazing experience, but man, it would give me poopy pants.
Detour- Short and Long or Long and Short. Teams can either repel a stone wall and then climb a rope ladder up another stone wall (Croatians invented stone walls, apparently) and then have to find their way through a town OR do another tandem zip line to water and then row fishing boats to the next clue. The rowboats are a harder physical task but shorter distance. Did Phil just say it requires physical prowESS? Phil, why are you pronouncing it like that? If Phil said it that way, it's probably right.
Jen is still back yelling to Nate about trying to place stone bricks in the wall. "Just fit it in every hole, Okay? It's just like Tetris!"
Nate and Jen are doing boats, we know THAT. They're also excited about the zip line.
Daddy and Sissy do the boats too, but they sure don't know how to row. It's like watching chimps on a typewriter there.
Back to Nate and Jen. Keep in mind that they are both armed with wooden oars, so things could reach a painful level.
Nate: "I have no idea how to row a boat. Can I just try to figure this out without you yapping in my ear every second.?"
Jen: "You are the meanest person I've ever met sometimes. You're not even trying."
Nate: "I am trying!"
Jen: "If you could just be a gentleman and say, "Hey, could you just do it this way, Jennifer?"
Nate: "HEY, how about you just paddle and we stop discussing this?!?!?"
Jen (Yelling): "Why aren't you paddling?"
Nate (Yelling): "Because every time I paddle, we go into the rocks..."
Jen: "Why are you yelling at me?"
Nate: "We have to go out and around, we can't just go into the ROCKS!"
Jen: "I hate you. I hate you. I'm never going to be with you ever again. I hate you with a passion."
Just to be clear- Jen is no longer the president of Nate's fan club. In fact, she burned down the clubhouse. The clubhouse in crazytown. As Nate tries to get out of the boat, once they make it shore, he nearly tips it over with Jen in it. To which says, "Very graceful, Nate." She's so supportive.
Kurt called Vyxsin his "little pink kitten" and I had to I turn away and missed about five minutes of what was happening.
Everyone has to make it to the Stone Cross at the top of the city.
Of course, Kurt has a tougher time with the wall than Vyxsin. She cheers him on, "You're like a little goth action hero!". Yeah, he is. All smooth in the front just like a GI Joe action figure.
Nate and Jen are actually in first place after all that, but a taxi won't take then to the top of the hill because they are wet. Daddy and Sissy get THE SAME taxi, even though they're wet too. This displeases Jen. To the point where she has HER Amazing Race defining moment as her brain pops and slithers out her ear.
Nate: "Jen, it's okay, we just need to find a taxi. It's okay."
Jen: "No it's not okay, our relationship sucks! I'm so miserable."
And then she has the tell-tale guttural scream and starts crying and wailing. It's the complete regression into madness that we've come to love from the AR. I laughed out loud.
Nate: "Please stop crying. You're gonna cry because we can't get a car in five minutes?"
Jen: "That's not why I am crying!!"
Here is what I know about Croatia:
1. Cures erectile dysfunction
2. Beautiful seaside views
3. Croatians like to fire off guns right next to your ears.
Daddy and Sissy win a catamaran for being in first place this leg of the race.
Nate yells an expletive when the gun goes off, pretty much in his face. The Croatians know how to party, man.
Nate and Jen were second, but they didn't take a taxi to get to the top of the hill, they asked a civilian driver to take them. Phil says they need to go back to the bottom of the hill and get a taxi and come BACK up before they can officially check in. You can imagine about how well THAT went over with them. Phil is lucky that Jen didn't pull his eyeballs out when he wished them luck.
Nate: "This is just the cherry on top of the ice cream sundae that's already melted."
Jen is crying again. "I can't deal with this anymore. I don't want to be here anymore." Let's hope she means the planet Earth and not this show.
Kurt and Vyxsin swoop in at #2.
The hippies are back working their way through the zip line.
Jen analyzes her relationship for the cameras.."As far as our relationship goes, it's unpredictable. Our relationship is so up and down. It may be too late. We've been through a lot."
The hippies are back chillin' on the repel line. Slow and easy tortoises.
Team Greatest Generation and the beakers are in a fight for last place, mostly due to really crappy flight issues.
Team GG is doing the boat, which we know isn't the best idea.
Beakers are doing the boat too. Beaker M is rowing the boat all by himself.
These people are stupid. How hard is it to grasp the concept of rowing a boat?
This gunshot bit is pretty funny. It's really scared everyone so far. I mean, they wait until people are RIGHT next to the gun.
Well, the beakers are in last. Let's see if it's an elimination. They're cut! Whoa. I can't believe they haven't had a non-elimination leg yet! Also, the beakers were the favorites to win this race, I think. Can't believe they're out because of some crappy flights.
Beaker F states, "It's not like someone beat us, we beat ourselves."
Beaker F: "Although my brother might be hard on me, I know he just wants me to go as far as I can."
Beaker M: "As a brother, part of my job is to challenge her." Wait, does he mean as a brother or as a brother?
The next episode isn't for two weeks, which puts it on Christmas Eve Eve, which means I may or may not get to write that one up. Hold your breath!

Geezer

After a church meeting last night, I confessed to my friends Ginny and Jenn that I might be an ageist. I know it isn't politically correct, but I admit, I am just simply not a fan of old people. And I am guessing that this is coming back to haunt me, as my body has been rebelling lately, protesting the passage of time. I am not pleased. Now, I am not an old woman or anything, but I have noticed a few signs of aging. Laugh if you want, but believe me when I say to you that you cannot run from the clock. It is looming. I have complied for a you a partial list of my body mutinies. Be afraid.
-After a haircut, I look down at the fresh hair clippings and then up to the hairdresser and then to the mirror and then back to the clippings. Where in the hell did that much gray hair come from? What has this butcher done to me? Did he drug me, color my hair gray, cut it, recolor it, and revive me to see the aftermath? Yes, that must be it.
-When I hoist my wide behind to a sitting position at the edge of the bed every morning, I ready myself for the inevitable. As I push to stand up, I hear a fireworks display of cracking and popping that rivals the Fourth of July on the Mall in Washington DC. I picture it as the abrupt screaming of my joints and tendons, telling me to sit back down. When the show has ended, I always let out a little moan of satisfaction. I'm guessing that I will spend about 5 glorious hours a day with this ritual when I'm 65.
-There is no flowery way to say this: After the joint and tendon fireworks display, there is a few minutes of gas. Oh, I'm charming. Why is it that as the body gets older, it produces more gas? I have to stay overweight just to keep from floating away, for the love of Pete.
-Not only can you no longer bounce a quarter of my butt, but if you try, it'll swallow the quarter up and spit back a dime.
-Every now and then, I hold my hand out in front of me to see if I have the shakes. Sometimes, I do. I'm sure I don't need to see a doctor, though.
-My muscle spasms are no longer related to the twinge of a vigorous workout. No, now the spasms seem to be more of a last desperate surrender.
-In college, I used to get Party Scars. These were mysterious bumps and bruises that one would encounter after a particularly wild night. I get bumps and bruises that are unexplained now, too. But I get them while napping.
-I cup my hand around my ear to hear people at parties. Pretty soon, I'm gonna say screw it and get one of those big cornucopia looking thingies.
Of course, some of you old coots can barley remember having experience some of the items on my list. Your feeble little mind is nearly gone now, yes? That's just sad. Oop, you have a little spittle on your chin there. Aren't you just adorable? Is this is what I have to look forward to?

Cinco

The true strength of reality programming is its unique ability to bring us real moments of humanity in real time from real people who really don't like each other. Another strength of reality programming is its unique ability to show blondes getting hit by a bus in a foreign country. And if the previews are to be believed, we may get to witness that glorious event tonight. Network executives are both sickened and excited at the prospect of the ratings boost that last night's episode will receive from people tuning in to see blonde brains strewn across the East Blurgenblurgen town square. I'm sure it'll be a near miss, so those executives will be able to sleep soundly.
We begin this week with a reminder that the poor, stressed, Looney Lorena and Captain Commitment Jason were eliminated last week. As you'll recall, they were eliminated after getting slowed down by Team Dumbblonde after a U-Turn Twist was used. Everyone (meaning me) was shocked to discover that this last week wasn't a non-elimination round. This week HAS to be. Which means it won't be.
The teams are STILL in Africa. You know what's really fun about Africa? It's got both hot AND dry, together at last. I'm beginning to sense that AR producers are trying to use the race to make some sort of statement about the appalling conditions that others have to live under on a daily basis. Somehow having the Amazing Race in Africa will cure AIDS, but nobody is sure how yet. One hopes that a cure will come from repeatedly hitting blondes with buses. I bet no one has looked into it yet.
I miss Lorena already. There was so much potential for seeing her brain explode on national television. When I think of all the animals that they could have made her milk in future episodes, it boggles the mind. One week it could have been a rhino, the next a 62 year old Indian woman. It's practically its own show. Copyright! Call it Spilled Milk and the preview always shows someone crying.
Okay, anyway, we are back to Unpronounceable, Africa and Team Boring are the first ones out. Teams have to make their way to Vilnius, Lithuania. I'm sure Vilnius is a lovely place, but if I were the Vilnius Chamber of Commerce, I would look into changing the name to Happinius or Nothingevilgoingonhereius. Just something to think about Lithuania. We call it marketing, here in the states. For instance, did you know that New York City, isn't actually "new" at all? It used to be called What is That Smell Island, but then Rudy Giuliani became mayor and changed to New York City. Did you seriously not know that? Pick up a book Lithuania.
Beaker M from Team Boring is going to show us the dark side of sibling abuse before this race is over, mark my words. He really wants to hit his sister, you can see it in his eyes. I can somewhat relate to him, as my brother and I fought a good bit growing up. Once, when I was about ten or eleven, my brother ripped and shredded the tape from inside my New Kids on The Block cassette tape. We've had a pretty good relationship ever since, because frankly there's really no coming back from liking New Kids on The Block. I mean, we haven't made eye contact in 20 or so years, but all the psychiatrists will tell you that's perfectly healthy. Let us never speak of this again.
Jen is straight up cow-in-kitchen crazy. She wants first place so bad she can taste it. According to her they will "use their lust for winning as a ball of fire to rage through" the rest of the race. I have no idea what that means.
The Unpronounceablename airport isn't exactly O'Hare. I will not be the least bit surprised to see a large rubber band at the end of the runway.
Daddy from Team Daddy is wearing a new "Who's your Daddy" shirt. You know that Sissy is making him wear them and she thinks it's just a stitch. I remain entirely skeeved out. Sissy says that she's purposely constantly saying "I love you Daddy" just to freak her Dad out. He's the kind of guy that when you go to give him a hug he just kind of goes limp. But I'm sure he's right around a corner from changing into the daddy that she's always wanted. In a Wikipedia moment, Daddy confidently states that Lithuania makes great pastries. This is the kind of guy you get stuck talking to at a dinner party. "Ohhhh, pastries, you say. Well, I'll be..."
Kurt from Team Goth is all excited over getting to go to Lithuania. He says that he's always wanted to go Transylvania or Romania or someplace with spooky architecture. He's totally down with any of the "ia's" as nations in general. Is it even possible to give goths a bad name? Because I think he is.
Everyone is trying to get a flight out using the Internet port-a-potty near the airport. Burkina Faso has mastered the art of the one room building.
The blondes are worrying about getting to the RIGHT Burkina Faso airport. You know, because you can't spit without hitting another Burkina Faso airport. It's the hub of all air traffic East of Brrlehjerlk and West of Doiiriringkksdk.
The dirty hippie is pondering the race and has concluded that "competition is fierce." Dude. So true. So true. And like, what if the competition is a dolphin, man. And, and, like what if the goal of the competition is like tuna? And what if the tuna wasn't dolphin-safe? Do you see what I am saying? It's like, can you use the dolphin to get the tuna? Ya know? See man? Makes you think.
You can tell that this episode is going to be heavy on unnecessary airport drama. Someone tell the producers that watching people buy plane tickets isn't the most stimulating reality programming, please.
The dirty hippie is happy to be heading to Lithuania, because he can't wait to "scope out the scene. Gonna scope out other places." By which he means he wants to be high in as many different countries as possible.
Daddy is so clearly disgusted by his daughter. He says. "She is somewhat naive. I want to teach her how to deal with certain types of people." Oh sure. Because he could be teaching graduate-level-people-person skills.
More flight drama.
Team GG got hosed at the Air France counter because their reservations lady either didn't like them or just couldn't speaka de ingleesh. The Air France lady is giving tickets to whomever she wants, apparently. This is actually how things work at most airlines, unfortunately.
Shana from Team DB is worried about karma. Her teammate, Jenni, is treating people just like she would in her everyday life, which is to say, like they are beneath her.
Shani: "I'm so annoyed by what happened back there."
Jenni: "You should just not argue with me. I'm way more methodical than you."
Shani: "You're flattering yourself."
This is usually what happens when people who think they are hot begin to hang out together. They slowly begin to realize that the other person is just not that hot and was never smart and then they begin to think, "Hey, wait! Does that mean, I'M not that hot or smart?" Um, bingo.
The teams are split between three different flights from Paris to Lithuania. No room left on any of the Burkina Faso to Lithuania express shuttles, apparently.
Nate and Jen are the first ones to Vilnius. We need to see more of them, as they have been voted Most Likely to Punch Someone.
Shocking quote of the week from Team DB: How could we be this dumb?
Everyone driving around trying to find a church in Vilnius. It's difficult because Vilnius does not technically have streets and directions have not yet been invented there.
Queen of Hyperbole, Jen, says. "This is the most insane place I've ever dealt with in my life."
Road Block- Who's a Good Listener? Players have to act like Lithuanian messengers. Find and deliver a package to the right person and then deliver another package to the final destination. Lithuania must be proud that this is the best thing producers could come up with to represent their entire country. Lithuania: The Delivery Boy Capital of The World.
Jen and Nate are slowly slipping into hatred, which always starts with the too-sweet-sing-songy comments to one another. "Natey, c'mon!!!" and then "Jen, c'mon dude!". They are so lost that they've left the car and decided they're better off on foot. They are wrong.
Here's the bus scene! Shani and Jenni are totally lost on some back street in Vilnius and as Shani backs up to turn around, we get a view from the cameraman's perspective, out the side window, of a HUGE city bus barreling down on their car, going about 30 mph. Horn a-blazin'. That camera guy had to be thinking "I am going die today in Vilnius, Lithuania with two stupid blondes and I won't even be able to have an open casket funeral because this camera is about to be three feet up my nose. Not my day. Not my day at all."
Long story short, the bus didn't hit them, but man were they freaking out. This really is the best thing about reality television, because you get to see the real, actual reaction that people have in a situation like this, which is to panic. Shani saw the bus coming and knew she had to move, but she completely froze. It was like she was waiting for the bus to hit so that she could get jolted into action.
Shani's yelling at Jenni to calm down. Then Jenni pipes up with "Oh my God, a bus almost killed me, but I'm supposed to relax?" Well, no.
Daddy is still having trouble with his hernia.
Wow. Nate and Jen do not disappoint in this episode.
Nate: "I'm just saying it's a lot easier when someone isn't stressed out from the start."
Jen: (Snotty) "This is an absolute joke. Once again we're gonna look like idiots."
Nate: "I can't believe what kind of person you've turned into; it's the ugliest thing I've ever seen in my life."
Jen: "Same with you, Nate."
Keep in mind, most of that conversation was half-whispered, away from the camera. Easy to forget that the whole world can hear you WHEN YOU'RE WEARING A MIC.
Huh, it seems that Lithuania bases their town names on the sounds of sneezes. That's clever.
The dirty hippie has hooked up with a fellow pothead for some Lithuanian guidance. Hippies helping hippies. Triple H, baby!
Jen and Nate have completed the task and are now best friends again. Nate hugs Jen: "I am so proud of you!" They are psycho.
The blondes read the clue.
Shani: "Who's a good listener? I am."
Jenni: "I think I am. You misinterpret."
Cat Fight! Cat Fight!
In a bow to corporate sponsorship, all teams must search an abandoned village for a Travelocity gnome. This has become a somewhat standard challenge for the AR.
Detour- Count down or step up. Racers have to count pickets on a fence or stilt walk. These tasks that require detailed counting or minutia are so awesome. Getting people to count is so much harder than you'd think. Makes me giggle.
Seeing the wild village street carnival show in Lithuanian causes Kurt to state. "This is my favorite moment in this Amazing Race thus far. Vyxsin and I love to play dress up and they made us feel (air quote) normal." I think we all knew that they like to play dress up, but now I've got a million different disturbing images in my head, thanks a lot.
The blondes are not loving each other right now.
Daddy doesn't look great on stilts: "I don't want this hernia to pop out." Uh, ew.
Jen: "Stilts Nate? We're not doing stilts." Jen's the decider. So they're going to count pickets in a fence...
Jen: "I can do this so fast. Please just let me do it." Keep in mind that they both work on this task. But why would they want to do that, when obviously Nate would screw it up somehow and would probably try to have sex with the fence, because everyone knows he can't help but cheat on Jen?
There are 717 pickets, FYI.
The hippies finish this leg of the race in first! And they're happy. They win a 10 day trip to Japan. Where they can spend their stay in an opium den, I'm sure. In another insightful moment from the dirty hippie: "It just goes to show, you just never know what's going on in this race." Uhhh, okay?
So it turns out Jen has a bit of trouble with the counting thing after all. They have counted incorrectly twice now. It's obvious that it's Nate's fault. To her.
The blondes are still back searching for the gnomes in the village. They should do fine though, because Shani took charge, stating that they "just have search the parameter." Well sure, that's what I'd do too.
Sissy and Daddy have completed the stilt walk after some painful falls by Daddy. Sissy says, "I'm so proud of my Dad. He's my Superman." Sometimes when a girl says that, it's sweet. And sometimes it makes you gag and a chill runs up your spine. Is he your Superman? Are you Lois Lane in this scenario? You know Superman gave Lois the Supermeat, right?
Jen and Nate are still counting. Or at least Jen is...
Jen: "Nathan can you count in your head please?!!! Stop!!!!"
Nate: "I'm not stopping! (Jen slaps his hand off the picket as he counts) B!!! What are you doing???"
They've given up on counting pickets. As they walk away from the fence, Jen says, "I cannot believe that you are that mean that you had to call me that."
Of course they go to the stilts and pass in a few minutes.
Wow, counting really wasn't the way to go. Delicious.
Now the blondes are at the fence. This Jen wants to do it all herself too.
Shani: "Jen, you're so on a team of your own it's ridiculous. You just go ahead and count it and if you're wrong, it's all on you."
And it's wrong. Of course.
Awww, that means that the blondes are last. Because math is hard.
Shana and Jennifer have been eliminated. Shana is "heartbroken".
This week had a few inspirational moments, mostly provided by Nate and Jen. All you need to know about next week is that we've reach the stage that happens every season in the AR. The moment when the truth comes out in every relationship. Definitely tune in next week as Jen tells Nate:
"I hate you. I hate you. I hate you with a passion." Someone get the t-shirt presses warmed up.