Cinco

The true strength of reality programming is its unique ability to bring us real moments of humanity in real time from real people who really don't like each other. Another strength of reality programming is its unique ability to show blondes getting hit by a bus in a foreign country. And if the previews are to be believed, we may get to witness that glorious event tonight. Network executives are both sickened and excited at the prospect of the ratings boost that last night's episode will receive from people tuning in to see blonde brains strewn across the East Blurgenblurgen town square. I'm sure it'll be a near miss, so those executives will be able to sleep soundly.
We begin this week with a reminder that the poor, stressed, Looney Lorena and Captain Commitment Jason were eliminated last week. As you'll recall, they were eliminated after getting slowed down by Team Dumbblonde after a U-Turn Twist was used. Everyone (meaning me) was shocked to discover that this last week wasn't a non-elimination round. This week HAS to be. Which means it won't be.
The teams are STILL in Africa. You know what's really fun about Africa? It's got both hot AND dry, together at last. I'm beginning to sense that AR producers are trying to use the race to make some sort of statement about the appalling conditions that others have to live under on a daily basis. Somehow having the Amazing Race in Africa will cure AIDS, but nobody is sure how yet. One hopes that a cure will come from repeatedly hitting blondes with buses. I bet no one has looked into it yet.
I miss Lorena already. There was so much potential for seeing her brain explode on national television. When I think of all the animals that they could have made her milk in future episodes, it boggles the mind. One week it could have been a rhino, the next a 62 year old Indian woman. It's practically its own show. Copyright! Call it Spilled Milk and the preview always shows someone crying.
Okay, anyway, we are back to Unpronounceable, Africa and Team Boring are the first ones out. Teams have to make their way to Vilnius, Lithuania. I'm sure Vilnius is a lovely place, but if I were the Vilnius Chamber of Commerce, I would look into changing the name to Happinius or Nothingevilgoingonhereius. Just something to think about Lithuania. We call it marketing, here in the states. For instance, did you know that New York City, isn't actually "new" at all? It used to be called What is That Smell Island, but then Rudy Giuliani became mayor and changed to New York City. Did you seriously not know that? Pick up a book Lithuania.
Beaker M from Team Boring is going to show us the dark side of sibling abuse before this race is over, mark my words. He really wants to hit his sister, you can see it in his eyes. I can somewhat relate to him, as my brother and I fought a good bit growing up. Once, when I was about ten or eleven, my brother ripped and shredded the tape from inside my New Kids on The Block cassette tape. We've had a pretty good relationship ever since, because frankly there's really no coming back from liking New Kids on The Block. I mean, we haven't made eye contact in 20 or so years, but all the psychiatrists will tell you that's perfectly healthy. Let us never speak of this again.
Jen is straight up cow-in-kitchen crazy. She wants first place so bad she can taste it. According to her they will "use their lust for winning as a ball of fire to rage through" the rest of the race. I have no idea what that means.
The Unpronounceablename airport isn't exactly O'Hare. I will not be the least bit surprised to see a large rubber band at the end of the runway.
Daddy from Team Daddy is wearing a new "Who's your Daddy" shirt. You know that Sissy is making him wear them and she thinks it's just a stitch. I remain entirely skeeved out. Sissy says that she's purposely constantly saying "I love you Daddy" just to freak her Dad out. He's the kind of guy that when you go to give him a hug he just kind of goes limp. But I'm sure he's right around a corner from changing into the daddy that she's always wanted. In a Wikipedia moment, Daddy confidently states that Lithuania makes great pastries. This is the kind of guy you get stuck talking to at a dinner party. "Ohhhh, pastries, you say. Well, I'll be..."
Kurt from Team Goth is all excited over getting to go to Lithuania. He says that he's always wanted to go Transylvania or Romania or someplace with spooky architecture. He's totally down with any of the "ia's" as nations in general. Is it even possible to give goths a bad name? Because I think he is.
Everyone is trying to get a flight out using the Internet port-a-potty near the airport. Burkina Faso has mastered the art of the one room building.
The blondes are worrying about getting to the RIGHT Burkina Faso airport. You know, because you can't spit without hitting another Burkina Faso airport. It's the hub of all air traffic East of Brrlehjerlk and West of Doiiriringkksdk.
The dirty hippie is pondering the race and has concluded that "competition is fierce." Dude. So true. So true. And like, what if the competition is a dolphin, man. And, and, like what if the goal of the competition is like tuna? And what if the tuna wasn't dolphin-safe? Do you see what I am saying? It's like, can you use the dolphin to get the tuna? Ya know? See man? Makes you think.
You can tell that this episode is going to be heavy on unnecessary airport drama. Someone tell the producers that watching people buy plane tickets isn't the most stimulating reality programming, please.
The dirty hippie is happy to be heading to Lithuania, because he can't wait to "scope out the scene. Gonna scope out other places." By which he means he wants to be high in as many different countries as possible.
Daddy is so clearly disgusted by his daughter. He says. "She is somewhat naive. I want to teach her how to deal with certain types of people." Oh sure. Because he could be teaching graduate-level-people-person skills.
More flight drama.
Team GG got hosed at the Air France counter because their reservations lady either didn't like them or just couldn't speaka de ingleesh. The Air France lady is giving tickets to whomever she wants, apparently. This is actually how things work at most airlines, unfortunately.
Shana from Team DB is worried about karma. Her teammate, Jenni, is treating people just like she would in her everyday life, which is to say, like they are beneath her.
Shani: "I'm so annoyed by what happened back there."
Jenni: "You should just not argue with me. I'm way more methodical than you."
Shani: "You're flattering yourself."
This is usually what happens when people who think they are hot begin to hang out together. They slowly begin to realize that the other person is just not that hot and was never smart and then they begin to think, "Hey, wait! Does that mean, I'M not that hot or smart?" Um, bingo.
The teams are split between three different flights from Paris to Lithuania. No room left on any of the Burkina Faso to Lithuania express shuttles, apparently.
Nate and Jen are the first ones to Vilnius. We need to see more of them, as they have been voted Most Likely to Punch Someone.
Shocking quote of the week from Team DB: How could we be this dumb?
Everyone driving around trying to find a church in Vilnius. It's difficult because Vilnius does not technically have streets and directions have not yet been invented there.
Queen of Hyperbole, Jen, says. "This is the most insane place I've ever dealt with in my life."
Road Block- Who's a Good Listener? Players have to act like Lithuanian messengers. Find and deliver a package to the right person and then deliver another package to the final destination. Lithuania must be proud that this is the best thing producers could come up with to represent their entire country. Lithuania: The Delivery Boy Capital of The World.
Jen and Nate are slowly slipping into hatred, which always starts with the too-sweet-sing-songy comments to one another. "Natey, c'mon!!!" and then "Jen, c'mon dude!". They are so lost that they've left the car and decided they're better off on foot. They are wrong.
Here's the bus scene! Shani and Jenni are totally lost on some back street in Vilnius and as Shani backs up to turn around, we get a view from the cameraman's perspective, out the side window, of a HUGE city bus barreling down on their car, going about 30 mph. Horn a-blazin'. That camera guy had to be thinking "I am going die today in Vilnius, Lithuania with two stupid blondes and I won't even be able to have an open casket funeral because this camera is about to be three feet up my nose. Not my day. Not my day at all."
Long story short, the bus didn't hit them, but man were they freaking out. This really is the best thing about reality television, because you get to see the real, actual reaction that people have in a situation like this, which is to panic. Shani saw the bus coming and knew she had to move, but she completely froze. It was like she was waiting for the bus to hit so that she could get jolted into action.
Shani's yelling at Jenni to calm down. Then Jenni pipes up with "Oh my God, a bus almost killed me, but I'm supposed to relax?" Well, no.
Daddy is still having trouble with his hernia.
Wow. Nate and Jen do not disappoint in this episode.
Nate: "I'm just saying it's a lot easier when someone isn't stressed out from the start."
Jen: (Snotty) "This is an absolute joke. Once again we're gonna look like idiots."
Nate: "I can't believe what kind of person you've turned into; it's the ugliest thing I've ever seen in my life."
Jen: "Same with you, Nate."
Keep in mind, most of that conversation was half-whispered, away from the camera. Easy to forget that the whole world can hear you WHEN YOU'RE WEARING A MIC.
Huh, it seems that Lithuania bases their town names on the sounds of sneezes. That's clever.
The dirty hippie has hooked up with a fellow pothead for some Lithuanian guidance. Hippies helping hippies. Triple H, baby!
Jen and Nate have completed the task and are now best friends again. Nate hugs Jen: "I am so proud of you!" They are psycho.
The blondes read the clue.
Shani: "Who's a good listener? I am."
Jenni: "I think I am. You misinterpret."
Cat Fight! Cat Fight!
In a bow to corporate sponsorship, all teams must search an abandoned village for a Travelocity gnome. This has become a somewhat standard challenge for the AR.
Detour- Count down or step up. Racers have to count pickets on a fence or stilt walk. These tasks that require detailed counting or minutia are so awesome. Getting people to count is so much harder than you'd think. Makes me giggle.
Seeing the wild village street carnival show in Lithuanian causes Kurt to state. "This is my favorite moment in this Amazing Race thus far. Vyxsin and I love to play dress up and they made us feel (air quote) normal." I think we all knew that they like to play dress up, but now I've got a million different disturbing images in my head, thanks a lot.
The blondes are not loving each other right now.
Daddy doesn't look great on stilts: "I don't want this hernia to pop out." Uh, ew.
Jen: "Stilts Nate? We're not doing stilts." Jen's the decider. So they're going to count pickets in a fence...
Jen: "I can do this so fast. Please just let me do it." Keep in mind that they both work on this task. But why would they want to do that, when obviously Nate would screw it up somehow and would probably try to have sex with the fence, because everyone knows he can't help but cheat on Jen?
There are 717 pickets, FYI.
The hippies finish this leg of the race in first! And they're happy. They win a 10 day trip to Japan. Where they can spend their stay in an opium den, I'm sure. In another insightful moment from the dirty hippie: "It just goes to show, you just never know what's going on in this race." Uhhh, okay?
So it turns out Jen has a bit of trouble with the counting thing after all. They have counted incorrectly twice now. It's obvious that it's Nate's fault. To her.
The blondes are still back searching for the gnomes in the village. They should do fine though, because Shani took charge, stating that they "just have search the parameter." Well sure, that's what I'd do too.
Sissy and Daddy have completed the stilt walk after some painful falls by Daddy. Sissy says, "I'm so proud of my Dad. He's my Superman." Sometimes when a girl says that, it's sweet. And sometimes it makes you gag and a chill runs up your spine. Is he your Superman? Are you Lois Lane in this scenario? You know Superman gave Lois the Supermeat, right?
Jen and Nate are still counting. Or at least Jen is...
Jen: "Nathan can you count in your head please?!!! Stop!!!!"
Nate: "I'm not stopping! (Jen slaps his hand off the picket as he counts) B!!! What are you doing???"
They've given up on counting pickets. As they walk away from the fence, Jen says, "I cannot believe that you are that mean that you had to call me that."
Of course they go to the stilts and pass in a few minutes.
Wow, counting really wasn't the way to go. Delicious.
Now the blondes are at the fence. This Jen wants to do it all herself too.
Shani: "Jen, you're so on a team of your own it's ridiculous. You just go ahead and count it and if you're wrong, it's all on you."
And it's wrong. Of course.
Awww, that means that the blondes are last. Because math is hard.
Shana and Jennifer have been eliminated. Shana is "heartbroken".
This week had a few inspirational moments, mostly provided by Nate and Jen. All you need to know about next week is that we've reach the stage that happens every season in the AR. The moment when the truth comes out in every relationship. Definitely tune in next week as Jen tells Nate:
"I hate you. I hate you. I hate you with a passion." Someone get the t-shirt presses warmed up.