Imagination is the beginning of creation. You imagine what you desire, you will what you imagine, and at last you create what you will. -George Bernard Shaw
That's right, I've decided to restart my longtime dream blog with your standard dead guy quote. Not only that, I've chosen a quotation that is about imagination and creation, neither of which I've used in ripping off a dead Irishman. Also, Shaw won the Nobel Prize in literature and then turned down the money. I have no respect for that.
This is all obviously a desperate plea for attention. I think that I am important enough that people will care about the sometimes bizarre outside influences upon my everyday life, conversations, and relationships. Of course, I am delusional.
As with most blogs, this too will contain lists, rants, silliness, and shouts from the pulpit. I will be trying daily to expose a little more of myself (ahem) and hopefully I will receive some feedback on my ideas and writing. I promise only to be odd and occasionally amusing, as these are my only two consistent skills in life. Assuming oddity is a skill. If it's not, then I'm down to just one skill, and I really don't want to deal with that right now. So give me my Nobel Prize. I'll wear it around my neck like Flavor Flav. Big ups to the Nobel committee.
Oh, it's all downhill from here.
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Monday, April 28, 2008
Hiatus
As most of you know, Jason and I are thrilled to announce that Baby Beale will make his or her debut this fall! I have decided to put Beale Bits on hiatus while we settled into the role of parenthood. But don't panic, Baby Beale does have a whole new blog which can be found here: Baby Beale I hope my loyal readers will follow along this wonderful journey that Jason and I have embarked on. I am sure it will be one hell of a ride. Many thanks to all of our wonderful family and friends who have supported and loved us through the years. Without them, we would be lost. See ya next fall!
Monday, April 21, 2008
CMT Awards
Wow, Paula Adbul looks kind of great.
That's a nice, rich color, and I love her hair. Of course...the sleeve is sliding off her shoulder on one side, isn't it? And the sparkly embellishments look a tiny bit like Spider Man threw a tantrum in her limo. But it's PAULA, you know? I feel like it's a blessing if she even manages to wander into the correct party, on the right day, using real words in a believable order.
That's a nice, rich color, and I love her hair. Of course...the sleeve is sliding off her shoulder on one side, isn't it? And the sparkly embellishments look a tiny bit like Spider Man threw a tantrum in her limo. But it's PAULA, you know? I feel like it's a blessing if she even manages to wander into the correct party, on the right day, using real words in a believable order.
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
Is It Getting Warmer in Here?
I am starting to get concerned about global warming.
Not so much about the oceans heating up or melting the polar ice caps. No, we're pretty much screwed there. My issue is quite the opposite. I'm worried that the stuff isn't going to go down fast enough.
I'm the type of person that has always gotten torn up by the waiting. The dread of the big test at the end of the semester, three months away. The angst over finishing the project that isn't even scheduled to start for another six months. Puberty.
This whole earth thing is a done deal. After several dozen years of humanity, it's going to be our generation who gets the bone.
But I'm doing all I can to shorten the wait. I've been going outside every afternoon and spraying old cans of hairspray at the sun. I've converted every light bulb in my house to charcoal briquettes. I've cut down every tree in my yard and turned it into a grazing area for an entire herd of cows. I coat the ground in refried beans so that they're extra gassy. I drive my SUV on flat tires while towing another SUV that is also running and has the air conditioning on high and it's towing a boat with the propeller spinning while a man in the back throws baby seals into the rotating blades.
But I'm only one woman. And this waiting is going to kill me.
Please do your part. Screw the Earth. Someone make up the t-shirts.
Not so much about the oceans heating up or melting the polar ice caps. No, we're pretty much screwed there. My issue is quite the opposite. I'm worried that the stuff isn't going to go down fast enough.
I'm the type of person that has always gotten torn up by the waiting. The dread of the big test at the end of the semester, three months away. The angst over finishing the project that isn't even scheduled to start for another six months. Puberty.
This whole earth thing is a done deal. After several dozen years of humanity, it's going to be our generation who gets the bone.
But I'm doing all I can to shorten the wait. I've been going outside every afternoon and spraying old cans of hairspray at the sun. I've converted every light bulb in my house to charcoal briquettes. I've cut down every tree in my yard and turned it into a grazing area for an entire herd of cows. I coat the ground in refried beans so that they're extra gassy. I drive my SUV on flat tires while towing another SUV that is also running and has the air conditioning on high and it's towing a boat with the propeller spinning while a man in the back throws baby seals into the rotating blades.
But I'm only one woman. And this waiting is going to kill me.
Please do your part. Screw the Earth. Someone make up the t-shirts.
Tuesday, April 8, 2008
The Downfall
It occurs to me lately that one of the many reasons for the collapse of civilization as we know it is that the people that are supposed to call you back never do and the people that you wish would get hit by dump truck full of hippopotamus droppings call and email you twelve times a day. Think about it.
Wednesday, April 2, 2008
Me Gusta
I was going to post this yesterday, but truth be told, I was having a difficult time posting a list of things I adore while I was feeling kind of crummy (pesky urinary tract infection). But if I were going to add items to my list of things I dislike, asymmetry would be one of them (along with any performance that involves audience participation, hard-boiled eggs, and grape popsicles) so here you are:
45 Things of Which I am Fond:
1. Cheese
2. Cardboard cummerbunds that prevent one's fingers from being scalded by paper coffee cups
3. Lip balm, or rather lip balm that doesn't screw around. My lips laugh at chap stick. They laugh and laugh, and then they crack right open. Some examples of acceptable lip balm include Philosophy Kiss Me, Smith's Rosebud Salve, and Badgers Lavender & Orange.
4. Sex
5. The subjunctive-practically a whole tense devoted to "if". It is a wistful tense. It is my favorite tense, and yet it is shunned. Long live the subjunctive!
6. The triple cheese sandwich from Macado's
7. The comma
8. Television (particularly Dirt and Ugly Betty)
9. Coconut: some of its most inspired uses include Godiva chocolates filled with coconut cream, coconut cream pie, and the Pina Colada
10. Cinnamon
11. The feature that allows me to moderate comments on this blog and put phrases like "Buy Xanax now cheap" or "Hot Porn Lady" on a watch list
12. TP-such as the lovely Costco brand- that does not scrap mercilessly at my nethers
13. Dancing in my kitchen until I am panting and noodle-legged, if there is a more effective mood adjuster, I have yet to find it
14. Target
15. When I have been up all night, perhaps worrying, and the sun starts to come up, and everything seems better, and I fall asleep in my bedroom with the windows open and birds outside
16. Cats, particularly Wrigley
17. My books, to whom I plan to dedicate my first book-because without them none of this would be possible
18. A nice cup of tea (My favorite? My Ma's spiced tea she makes from scratch)
19. People who correctly use the words "fewer" and "less", "good" and "well", "wealthy" and "rich"
20. Typing when I have just had a manicure
21. HBO- Especially the new John Adams miniseries
22. The Internet and it's index Google
23. Spell check
24. Looking at water that goes all the way to the horizon
25. Looking at flat land that goes all the way to the horizon
26. Costa Rica
27. Photographs
28. May and October
29. Tuna Melts
30. The smell of Gardenias
31. Ginger Ale
32. Reading James Patterson books when ill
33. Trains
34. My circle ladies. Emily, Becca, Sarah, Jenn, Kelly, Beth, Ginny, and Sara mean more to me than they will probably ever know.
35. Room service
36. Wine at weddings, which I am no longer allowed to have thanks to hateful headaches
37. The first person point of view
38. Clean sheets
39. My eyes, which are very blue
40. Peonies
41. Second chances with old friends
42. Laughing so hard you can't catch a breath
43. Camp Mainto-Wish
44. My husband
45. My dear readers, sweet as sticky rice, delightful as bacon
45 Things of Which I am Fond:
1. Cheese
2. Cardboard cummerbunds that prevent one's fingers from being scalded by paper coffee cups
3. Lip balm, or rather lip balm that doesn't screw around. My lips laugh at chap stick. They laugh and laugh, and then they crack right open. Some examples of acceptable lip balm include Philosophy Kiss Me, Smith's Rosebud Salve, and Badgers Lavender & Orange.
4. Sex
5. The subjunctive-practically a whole tense devoted to "if". It is a wistful tense. It is my favorite tense, and yet it is shunned. Long live the subjunctive!
6. The triple cheese sandwich from Macado's
7. The comma
8. Television (particularly Dirt and Ugly Betty)
9. Coconut: some of its most inspired uses include Godiva chocolates filled with coconut cream, coconut cream pie, and the Pina Colada
10. Cinnamon
11. The feature that allows me to moderate comments on this blog and put phrases like "Buy Xanax now cheap" or "Hot Porn Lady" on a watch list
12. TP-such as the lovely Costco brand- that does not scrap mercilessly at my nethers
13. Dancing in my kitchen until I am panting and noodle-legged, if there is a more effective mood adjuster, I have yet to find it
14. Target
15. When I have been up all night, perhaps worrying, and the sun starts to come up, and everything seems better, and I fall asleep in my bedroom with the windows open and birds outside
16. Cats, particularly Wrigley
17. My books, to whom I plan to dedicate my first book-because without them none of this would be possible
18. A nice cup of tea (My favorite? My Ma's spiced tea she makes from scratch)
19. People who correctly use the words "fewer" and "less", "good" and "well", "wealthy" and "rich"
20. Typing when I have just had a manicure
21. HBO- Especially the new John Adams miniseries
22. The Internet and it's index Google
23. Spell check
24. Looking at water that goes all the way to the horizon
25. Looking at flat land that goes all the way to the horizon
26. Costa Rica
27. Photographs
28. May and October
29. Tuna Melts
30. The smell of Gardenias
31. Ginger Ale
32. Reading James Patterson books when ill
33. Trains
34. My circle ladies. Emily, Becca, Sarah, Jenn, Kelly, Beth, Ginny, and Sara mean more to me than they will probably ever know.
35. Room service
36. Wine at weddings, which I am no longer allowed to have thanks to hateful headaches
37. The first person point of view
38. Clean sheets
39. My eyes, which are very blue
40. Peonies
41. Second chances with old friends
42. Laughing so hard you can't catch a breath
43. Camp Mainto-Wish
44. My husband
45. My dear readers, sweet as sticky rice, delightful as bacon
Monday, March 31, 2008
I Didn't List Tapered Jeans Because I Would Hope You Already Know Better
Please leave your own dislikes in the comments. But hurry, because tomorrow-ish I will be posting 45 Things I Like, and I'm sure you wouldn't want to miss the chance to bond via our mutual dislike.
And remember, this is by no means a complete list....
45 Things I Dislike:
1. Oreos
2. Anxiety attacks
3. Tom Cruise
4. Leggings- and let me say that it alarms me and saddens me that their popularity forces me to place them in my 45 things, thereby acknowledging their existence
5. The overly crunchy ends of croissants
6. Big bangs
7. Poppy seeds
8. The excessively tan, especially when they are Caucasian girls wearing their hair in cornrows
9. Caucasian girls wearing their hair in cornrows, especially if they are excessively tan
10. Turtlenecks worn beneath sweaters/sweatshirts
12. Berets worn by persons other than elderly French men (There are a few exceptions to this rule, but a very few.)
13. The phrase "healing process" when it not being applied to something physical and concrete, such as the formation of a scab.
14. People who would describe themselves with the phrase Free Spirit
15. The word moist, it gags me to even write it
16. Aviator/wraparound sunglasses, particularly of the mirrored variety
17. The name "Brittany" especially when shortened to "Britt" and greatly exacerbated if "Britt" is the captain of a high school sports team
18. America's Funniest Home Videos- explain to me why watching a man being assaulted by an elephant is "funny"
19. Wet naps- enough said
20. Strapless bras that seem perfectly content to stay up until you have purchased them and are wearing them in a public place
21. Tuna melts about which the menu says, simply, "Tuna Melt", that turns out to be aggressively flavored with lemon zest
22. My stomach's apparent delight in growling whenever it would be most noticeable and inappropriate for it to do so
23. Waiting to have a baby
24. Modern dance that is composed primary of silent twitching-please ask yourself whether your "dance" could be easily performed by an epileptic with a leotard. If the answer is yes, it is time to reevaluate your career choice
25. The make-out scenes on VH-1's Flavor of Love
26. The fact that I even watch the Flavor of Love
27. Mullets, male
28. Mullets, female
29. Your name, if it is Fifi and you are not a poodle
30. Doctors who think telling a nervous person they will die young if they do not reduce their stress level is conducive to reducing said nervous person's stress level
31. Processed cheese
32. The phrase "luncheon meat"
33. The phrase "I'd like to pick your brain," because EW
34. Barky, yappy, yippy dogs
35. UB40
36. The color combination teal & mauve
37. Persons who spell the words "for" and "to" with numbers.
38. People who pronounce the word library, Lie-berry.
39. Long hair on men
40. When people use the singular form of something instead of plural(Example three foot, three feet, twenty cent, twenty cents)
41. Junior High School
42. John Ritter
43. Nurses who call you with test results but attempt to substitute a chirpy "Everything looks fine!" for said results: unless it is a yes or no blood test-i.e.- "No, you don't have cancer," or "Yes, Jermaine is your father"-I would like the results relayed in the form of actual numbers, rather than your boundless optimism
44. Walmart
45. Anyone, including myself, touching my feet
And remember, this is by no means a complete list....
45 Things I Dislike:
1. Oreos
2. Anxiety attacks
3. Tom Cruise
4. Leggings- and let me say that it alarms me and saddens me that their popularity forces me to place them in my 45 things, thereby acknowledging their existence
5. The overly crunchy ends of croissants
6. Big bangs
7. Poppy seeds
8. The excessively tan, especially when they are Caucasian girls wearing their hair in cornrows
9. Caucasian girls wearing their hair in cornrows, especially if they are excessively tan
10. Turtlenecks worn beneath sweaters/sweatshirts
12. Berets worn by persons other than elderly French men (There are a few exceptions to this rule, but a very few.)
13. The phrase "healing process" when it not being applied to something physical and concrete, such as the formation of a scab.
14. People who would describe themselves with the phrase Free Spirit
15. The word moist, it gags me to even write it
16. Aviator/wraparound sunglasses, particularly of the mirrored variety
17. The name "Brittany" especially when shortened to "Britt" and greatly exacerbated if "Britt" is the captain of a high school sports team
18. America's Funniest Home Videos- explain to me why watching a man being assaulted by an elephant is "funny"
19. Wet naps- enough said
20. Strapless bras that seem perfectly content to stay up until you have purchased them and are wearing them in a public place
21. Tuna melts about which the menu says, simply, "Tuna Melt", that turns out to be aggressively flavored with lemon zest
22. My stomach's apparent delight in growling whenever it would be most noticeable and inappropriate for it to do so
23. Waiting to have a baby
24. Modern dance that is composed primary of silent twitching-please ask yourself whether your "dance" could be easily performed by an epileptic with a leotard. If the answer is yes, it is time to reevaluate your career choice
25. The make-out scenes on VH-1's Flavor of Love
26. The fact that I even watch the Flavor of Love
27. Mullets, male
28. Mullets, female
29. Your name, if it is Fifi and you are not a poodle
30. Doctors who think telling a nervous person they will die young if they do not reduce their stress level is conducive to reducing said nervous person's stress level
31. Processed cheese
32. The phrase "luncheon meat"
33. The phrase "I'd like to pick your brain," because EW
34. Barky, yappy, yippy dogs
35. UB40
36. The color combination teal & mauve
37. Persons who spell the words "for" and "to" with numbers.
38. People who pronounce the word library, Lie-berry.
39. Long hair on men
40. When people use the singular form of something instead of plural(Example three foot, three feet, twenty cent, twenty cents)
41. Junior High School
42. John Ritter
43. Nurses who call you with test results but attempt to substitute a chirpy "Everything looks fine!" for said results: unless it is a yes or no blood test-i.e.- "No, you don't have cancer," or "Yes, Jermaine is your father"-I would like the results relayed in the form of actual numbers, rather than your boundless optimism
44. Walmart
45. Anyone, including myself, touching my feet
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