Amazing Race-Episode One

I shall attempt to provide the world with a detailed play-by-play of every episode of The Amazing Race this season. One would assume that it will serve as a the chronicle of record for future generations. It should be noted that I will be eating M&Ms while typing this. And also "working" on a spreadsheet for my boss. None of this should shock regular readers. As if those exist.
But now, on to the show!! Let us being the season with the official Amazing Race Prayer, which I may or may not be making up this very second.

Dear Phil,
Please let thine most divine majesty light the way for our noble racers. And as often as possible, cause the souls of the wayward and troubled travelers to turn back as a coal miner's lung. May Fathers continue to ignore their daddy-obsessed Daughters. May homosexual life partners make seemingly innocent references to "How thick the Bush is in South Africa." May an estranged girlfriend shriek incoherently as her boyfriend calmly explains what a stupid girl he believes her to be. And please, let there be an Ox.
In Phil's name we pray, Amen.

We begin in LA, home to all that is righteous and pure. As in the Divine Comedy, we must take the journey through Hell, beginning here. Starting at the Playboy mansion. Classy touch CBS.
A quick review of the teams:

Kynt and Vyxsin- Goth lovers, as if you couldn't tell by the clever spelling of their names. Let's hope that in some country in which they are traveling, they are prized for their pelts and shot. Henceforth known as Kurt and Suxsyn-Team Aynnoyingg.

Nathan and Jennifer- This boyfriend/girlfriend team shows the most promise for real physical violence. If you you wish hard enough, magic can happen! He cheated on her, but I'm pretty sure he just slipped on a bad patch of ice and landed in some other woman's lap. Totally not his fault and she should take him back. To be called Jen and Nate-Team 273.5a.

Ronald and Christina- Father/Daughter team. Obligatory daddy-obsessed Daughter, this time with Asian spice. After a certain age, women should not refer to their father as "Daddy" and that age is 12. An exception can be made if the daughter is really drunk and trying to stay out of rehab. To be referred to as Ron and Christina-Team Daddy.

Shana and Jennifer- Even more more obligatory hot blonde friends who aren't that hot. The Amazing Race loves to put marginally attractive, bottle-blondes on every season, because this show is seen around the world and we have stereotypes to live up to. Will be called Team DumbBlonde, Shani and Jeni.

Azaria and Hendekea- Brother/Sister team. They are scientists working in the field of figuring out which once is which. What happened to people named Stan and Betty? I cannot be bothered to type their whole name each time, especially since there is no way of knowing which name goes with which person. They will be called Team Science- Beaker M (Male) and Beaker F (Female).

Jason and Lorena- Jason's a bit of a commitment-phobe, in the sense that he would like very much to continue putting it in Lorena, as long as she doesn't talk. Because it's tricky to put that into the actual vows, there is no wedding date set. Lorena is a crier, I'm calling it right now. Let's call them Team NoWeddingBells, Jason and Lorena.

Nicolas and Donald- Grandson/Grandfather. Donald is essentially being described as an outspoken elderly gentleman, which is code for Racist Coot. Nicolas is the guy you bring home to your parents, so they think you have nice friends. Nicky and Donny are Team Greatest Generation or Team GG.

Ari and Staella- "Best Friends" and co-workers. Ari is our resident sassy gay this year. Sorry to out you Ari, but the headband is a bit a of a giveaway. Staella works with him. My hope is that, in a shocking mid-season twist, Staella turns out to be a man, because it's a MAJOR Amazing Race faux-pas to not have a team of two volcanically gay men. Team Queen will be Ari and Stella (Just spell it like everyone else!)

Marianna and Julia- Spicy Laaateeenas. I can't tell, but based on cultural stereotypes, I am going to assume that they are spicy. I have nothing bad to say about these two, yet. Mari and Jules are Team Salsa. They know why.

TK and Rachel- Couple who have been dating for almost one year. TK is a dirty hippie and Rachel looks like she is a fan of taking showers. TK and Rachel are an odd couple, kind of like Bert and Ernie. I'm not a huge fan of dudes going by initials. OJ has proven that they usually end up gutting you like a carp. Something to think about Rachel. Bert and Ernie are Team Muppet.
Kate & Pat- Gay Clergy. OKAY! Now we're talking turkey, people. You've gotta love lesbians who say, "I'm out of the closet and I'm Jesus-Approved!" Kate and Pat will be Team Jesus.

Now back to the race...
There is something within me that wants to like the Goths, but they're such posers. The part of me that wants to dislike them is just too strong. They just said that the Goth lifestyle is a celebration of beauty and art. PUH-LEAAAZE. It's a celebration of your desperate attempt to get attention, uglore. "We're like real life comic book characters!" Yeah, except that people like comic book characters.
Ohh, Jen has "trust issues" with Nate just because he cheated on her. Well, at least you put your foot down, Jen and firmly told him that you won't put up with it more than one or two dozen more times. For his part, Nate says it was one of the biggest mistakes of his life. One assumes he meant the getting caught part and not the sex part.
They actually have the brother/sister team looking at beakers in their intro. I think I need to change their name to Team Boring. Lorena from Team NoWeddingBells has been waiting three years to get married to Jason. Keep waiting Lorena, I'm sure he is about to crack.
I just love the term "Gay Clergy". I'm guessing my grandma is sitting at home thinking, "Oh, that's so nice that they have happy clergy on the show." They have declared they will be devious to win if necessary, saying they are "Not wimps for Jesus." Amen, sistas! Flaming dude Ari just said that in order to win, he will back stab you. I don't think that was in doubt. Team DumbBlonde just said they would use their bodies however they need to win. The shocking revelations continue.
The race consists of 11 legs, for those of you new to the process. As always, 3 legs (known only to producers) will be non-elimination. I love this show. I love Phil.
GO!
First stop, everyone has to get a flight to Shannon, Ireland. They JUST STARTED and already Christina said, "Alright, Daddy! This is it!" Ugh. Creepy.
I really think Ari might be gay.
Team Salsa just said they are "loud and verbal". The mind boggles.
Oh no, which way to go to the airport????
I would never stereotype Asian drivers, but Team Daddy can't drive. And can she sit any straighter? Who drives like that??!!? One senses she doesn't want to slouch or she may bring eternal shame upon her father.
Team Boring's Beaker M just sighed and said "...women and directions" after his sister got them lost on the FIRST TURN of the whole game. I'm sure he'll jury rig up a GPS out of toothpicks and Juicy Fruit. But boringly so.
Team Boring and Team Daddy have aligned to form a most boring and sad alliance ever. Somebody slap someone!!
Delayed flights! Amazing Race standard!! Now everyone is in Ireland and they've all got to catch a ferry.
The goth team just referred to themselves as little goth energizer bunnies. That works for me, I hate the energizer bunny too. My dislike just keeps going and going and going.....
It has begun! Nate from Team 273.5a just turned around and yelled at Jen, "Oh, my God, I can't stand this! You are the worst person I've ever meet at this!!" Not even a day in and we can start taking odds. I'm laying the over/under on 4 episodes before she is tasting the back of his hand. He just said, "I can't carry your bag the whole way! The other women aren't having any problems!" She stormed off, "Don't compare me to other girls!!" Rock solid foundation, built on love, people. Nathan "loves her so much". This race is "the hardest thing she's ever had to do". After one day, most of which was on an airplane.
Over a hill now to the next challen...GRANDPA'S DOWN!! REPEAT! GRANDPA'S DOWN!! CHECK FOR SNIPERS!!!
Oh wait, he's up. Team DumbBlonde are over this race. They just need to hug each other. For a long time. Slowly.
The next challenge is riding a tandem bike up a muddy trail. Emotions are "uncontrollable" all of the sudden. Lorena is a WRECK. Oop, her head just exploded. Ooooo-the chain broke on the goths' bike. Now they have to push it.
Road Block- High wire bike. They have to ride a specially rigged bicycle across a wire while the teammate hangs below them, over a gorge. I'm not doing the description justice. It's making my palms sweaty just watching. I'm not a bit "heights" person. No, thank you. My butt is at clench factor 50.
Goth chick will not look down. Goths don't look down. That's just what "the man" wants.
One of the idiots from Team DumbBlonde just said, "let's not harp on things". IN IRELAND. Harp. Ireland. You can't script this stuff, people. Team Muppet is in first place. He thinks he's actually flying. Whoa, man, this is totally cosmic.
Onto a challenge with donkeys and peat. That's a smell combo that Tide isn't going to get out anytime soon. At least we've fulfilled our livestock quotient for this week.
Nate and Jen are really in love. No wait, I mean the opposite of that.
Donkey just took out a fence. Awesome. Runaway donkey!
Nate and Jen's donkey will destroy them. It just won' t move. "I don't know what's wrong with him..." Unsure if Jen is talking about the donkey or Nate. Nathan's about to cry. He says this is the most miserable thing he's done in his life. Not loving the donkey situation, these two. Donkey will cost Nate the race.
Team Boring wins this leg of the race. They throw their pocket protectors up carefully in joy. And for being first, they will a trip to Canada. Perfect! If there's one thing I know about black people, it's that they love a good Canadian vacation.
Team Daddy have this episode's very special moment: They are both so worried about letting each other down and the daughter says, "You never disappoint me" to Daddy. He said, "Thank you. What was your name again?" Kidding. Oh, now the Dad is getting weepy. Says he didn't want to disappoint her. Everyone hug and be quiet already.
Ari is going to kill his donkey. And that's not even a euphemism for anything.
Nate and Jen FINALLY get their donkey moving and skip in at #10 of 11 teams. Thank the Lord . I need those two in the race.
Ari and Stella are last. So much for the sassy gay.
Alright! That's it for the AR season premiere. If I haven't ruined my fingers from typing this 3,000 page summary, I may even write about some other stuff this week. I know you're thrilled.