Episode Two

Week two of the Amazing Race begins with a standard review of the prior week. All the competitors looked so bright-eyed and hopeful, didn't they? It's so easy to forget how much we truly dislike the ones we love, until we're forced to spend extended periods of time in a car with them looking for the Haggerllegecc town square in the middle of Leprechaun, Ireland.
All the competitors are raving about how surprised they are with the great effort from the Goths (Team Aynnoyyingg). They're not mentally retarded, people, they just dye their hair. The point is, you can never underestimate the freaks. Of course, it's only a matter of time before they're forced to withdraw due to a bad case of the Blahs. Goths in general are suffering from the Blahs at horrifying rate. I blame the war and Robert Smith eating the rest of the Cure.
Christina totally creeps me out with her Daddy issues. Someone get her a Hello Kitty to cuddle.
Beaker M and Beaker F are the first to depart. They bring nothing exciting to this race. There is some speculation that they are a tad closer than a brother and sister should be. I guess that could be fun to watch. Like if they get a little too excited after a victory and share a kiss. Could be awkward for Phil.
Everyone heading to Amsterdam!
The dirty hippie just said that his relationship with Rachel is 90% more important than the Amazing Race. That's a man who does not have his priorities straight.
Nate says, "We're getting along now, but just wait until we hit a wrong turn."
Team Dumbblonde says that "it's creepy driving at night." Shani is quite disturbed that none of the pit stops have been at a hair and nail salon.
Daddy is already upset at his greatest disappointment in his life, his daughter. She forgot her fanny pack and he is about to have a stroke. Of course she shouts, "Sorry Daddy!!"
How much do I love Team Jesus? Pat said, "We have no illusions that God even cares if we win the Amazing Race." Why is it always the gay clergy that has their head on straight?
Team Greatest Generation has gotten a flat tire right out of the gate. Haven't even made it to the airport yet. Of course, Grandpa is in total control of the flat tire situation.
"Kynt runs around like he's on speed." Gee, that could be because HE IS.
It's becoming fairly clear why Christina has her daddy issues. He's not the most pleasant person in the world.
Flight drama! The Daddy is going to get into a shoving match with the grandson from Team GG. It's always good to shove someone while explaining that he needs to calm down. Really gets the point across. Baby, why do you make me hit you?
Man, the Dirty Hippie cannot WAIT to get to Amsterdam. Like sending a kid to candy store.
Pat from Team Jesus is a cancer survivor? How can you not love this team?
Team Salsa are in last place.
Yes, that "Who's Your Daddy Shirt?" shirt is beyond creepy. What does that even MEAN in this context?
What is wrong with Kurt's voice? It's like an effeminate soprano helium balloon. Only more annoying.
Team Boring is the first train to Amsterdam. They can read a map, which puts them light years ahead of most of these dill weeds.
Challenge: Furniture Moving. Up the side of a building with hand tied ropes. Or...search trough hundreds of bikes in a parking garage to find the pair that match your card.
Vyxsin from Team Aynnoyyingg just said that she would tie the knots because she used to macrame and knows knots. Okay, so now I like her. He's still a complete tool.
One of the blonds from Team Dumbblonde firmly stated, "My arm muscles are one of the strongest parts of my body."
The dirty hippie just showed up in Amsterdam. Now that I look closer, his girlfriend is also a dirty hippie. Man, you can tell that he needs to score before the challenge. He's asking one of the movers if he's "Holden Caufield". Wink, wink.
Jen has had enough of Nate's incompetence as a man. She's got such a sunny personality, it's hard to believe he cheated. "Nate for the life of himself cannot tie a knot," Jen says confidentially to the camera.
About half the teams have finished the challenge and are waiting for the same bus. Oops, the Goths missed the bus. Team Boring went from first to fifth because they looked from the bikes instead of doing the movers challenge.
Wow, the hippies are really bad movers. Dirty Hippie is totally harshing. Can a brother just score some righteous bud? Hippie Rachel CAN tie a knot, as her brains aren't on drugs. She passes the challenge for them.
Roadblock: A Norwegian "sport" called Ditch Vaulting. Or Dutch Vaulting. Really, does it matter? The point is to cross a (let's call it) fjord in a single vault from side to side.
The one blond from Team Dumbblonde does NOT want to break nail.
Oh my God, my husband is laughing his ass off because Jen from Team 273.5a crashed hard into the ditch. He seriously can't get his breath. It's fun to see beautiful people fail. The cherry on the top was the dutch judge shouting "NO GOOD!" when she ate it. Awesome. I bet Nate is going to be very supportive and patient though. Oops, I guess not.
Dugerdam is the pit stop. I'm pretty sure that name is made up.
Jen is a gracious competitor: "That freaking little bitch did it!"
Team NoWeddingBells are team number one. As a reward, they win bikes. I'm sure they didn't want an exotic trip somewhere. Sure, a bike. Nice.
Team 273.5a is in second and will live to strangle each other another day. Team Dumbblonde is in third.
The daddy is SO ANNOYING. The daughter says she just wants to them to "stay positive". His response, "Don't give me this crap about positive vibes getting you through". He's obviously an expert on staying positive, so she should just shut her mouth.
Marianna: "Mr. Miyagi runs like the wind, so we have to hurry". Everyone is learning not to like Daddy.
Revelation from Kurt: "I'm not one of those get down and dirty boys, I'm kind of prissy". I will alert CNN to this breaking story.
Beaker F is covered head to toe in mud on her first try across the fjord. Amazing Race has a long history of making people muddy and miserable. Kudos on continuing the streak.
Kurt is not really an athlete, per se.
Oh Lord, the Grandpa is going to ditch jump. Ominously, the grandson states, "That decision may be a decision that's going to cost us." YA THINK?!!??
Daddy is worried about their team "vacillating". " I let you loose on this thing and you disappointed me." This guy is quite the charmer, isn't he?
Kurt made it across! Finally! Now I kinda want them to do well.
Grandpa is not so much with the ditch vault. It's really a younger man's sport. Oh Dear God! GRANDPA IS STRIPPING!!! I repeat, Grandpa is stripping! He's too covered in mud to jump, so he has to shed clothing. An official "No Comment" from the grandson. You go into the race hoping for a lifetime of memories and you come out seeing your grandpa naked. You need to win the million dollars just to pay for the therapy. That's why the Amazing Race has the word amazing right in the title, people!
Team Goth just finished and Kurt totally missed a high five with Vyxsin.
Grandpa is now in his underwear, jumping. Still hasn't made it over the fjord. The grandson: : "That one had promise". It didn't. Okay! The grandpa finally made it across. The grandson said, "He made it, showing that frustration and anger pays off in the end". Amen, brother. I've been telling people that for years.
So much drama from Team Daddy. I can't even get into it; I'm drained. Let's just say they should break up and change their phone numbers.
Damn it! Team Jesus are officially in last place and have been eliminated. Man, I love them to death. So sweet. All reality shows should end with older lesbian clergy kissing. That'd show the terrorists.
Oh. My. Gosh. The previews for next week show Lorena having the kind of complete break from sanity for which the Amazing Race has become famous. I am already predicting, based on the previews alone, that she will be giving us this season's catch phrase, "Baby, there's no more milk!!", as she is trying to milk a camel.
Seriously people, call your friends, duct-tape your grandma to the chair, next week's episode is a can't miss. Don't make me tell you again!!