Three

Are you excited? Because I'm excited. I'm not gonna lie. I can't say for sure why I so love seeing people completely snap and lose their tenuous grip on reality. But I do know that it is the very reason why reality television was created. Because as much as we love to see a good sit-com or a gripping drama, it's so much more fun to see a person nearly crap themselves in exasperation. And that is The Amazing Race in a nutshell: The Promise of People Crapping Themselves in Exasperation. It should be in all the advertising.
But let's not get ahead of ourselves.
Week 3 begins with a review of last week, wherein my personal favorite team of gay clergywomen was eliminated.
Okay! Here we go. You can use your whole couch, but you'll only need THE EDGE. Wait, they're still in the Netherlands? I could have sworn they moved on from there. You know what overnight in Amsterdam means? Team Dirty Hippie is going to be totally baked.
It seems that sometime last week Daddy gave himself a hernia, probably through the constant berating of his daughter. Thankfully, we have been given a clip of the doctor telling him, "I have pushed the tissue back into the abdomen." Guurrrpprrghghppph.
And this leg of the race has officially begun, with Jason and Lorena in first place.
The first clue states that teams must get on to the first flight to Unpronounceablename, Africa. The trick is that Africa is a big place (almost as big as Texas, I once heard) and nobody knows where Unpronounceablename is, exactly.
You really want to root for Jason, don't you? With his sweet nothings that he tells the camera? Like that Lorena reminds him of the girl from The Exorcist? I can see why she's holding out for him to decide to marry her maybe someday when he's ready. He's a catch.
Jen from Team 273.5 says that sometimes she hates Nate, her boyfriend. She's not very nice, but she says she's been working at it. I'm not sure if that means she's working to be more of bitch or less of one. It remains an unsolvable mystery why he cheated on her.
The blondes from Team Dumbblonde continue to worry more about their appearance than their place in the race. It's a risky strategy.
Major Earth Shattering Revelation of The Week: The Goth female, Vyxsin, has just stated that she takes on some of the "typically masculine roles" in the relationship. Shocking.
Okay, so none of these teams has a clue where Unpronounceablename, Africa is. I don't either, but I do know how to use the stinkin' Internet.
Ah, we've discovered it's in Burkina Faso. Wait, wasn't Burkina Faso in designing women?
Team Boring are originally from Ethiopia. Or so they say. I don't know if they mean, like historically from there or born there. Because they look more like they're from just outside of San Diego to me.
Here's our first clue that Team Dirty Hippie may have picked up some brownies in Amsterdam: The dude just said that they are not allowing things to "freak them out" too much. Plus, man, they can totally take that unicorn standing over there to Burkina Faso. Wash your hair, dreadlock!
The Grandpa who stripped down to his jockey underwear last week, just said he's "letting it all all hang out" in the race. Ew. Also, he's 69 years old. 69 is the new 67 1/2.
Oh Lord. Daddy, from Team Daddy, has a new "Who's your Daddy" t-shirt on. It's creepy in every color of the rainbow. He says he's learned his lesson after the terrible way he treated his daughter in the last round. Says he needs to be more "uplifting". That's one way to put it. Or you could say, "I need to stop being such a dill hole."
The Dirty Hippie is excited to go to Africa. He'll commune with a giraffe or something. He's basically excited to go anywhere that doesn't require him to shower.
Ugh, I hate it when they play up these airport maneuvers. There's not exactly hourly flights to Unpronounceablename, Africa! You'll all be on the same plane!
Daddy and Sissy (my new name for her) have to run to get their flight. I fear that Daddy's hernia is gonna kill him.
After much unnecessarily tense music, everyone is in flippin' Unpronounceablename, Burkina Faso, Africa.
One of the dumb blondes worries aloud about being sold to people for money in Africa. Not that it would really be a change from her normal routine, but the street names would be really different.
Hey! Everyone takes the train to Bingo, in the middle of Nowhere, Africa. They have to wait to get on the train until the morning. It's not exactly high-speed rail, this Bingo train.
The Blondes are not exactly comfortable around people with dark skin on a train that isn't really sporting air conditioning. Or put more succinctly by one of the blondes, "These people bring flies."
The "male" Goth, Kurt, just asked his girlfriend to help him off the train. He's going to need a parasol before the race is over.
Road Block! Milk a camel enough to fill a bowl and then drink that milk. If you're camel "runs dry", you have to wait for a camel to become available from a team that has finished the challenge. The card says that teams need to "be mindful that camels are sensitive to loud noises and fast movements." They're basically large cats with humps. And utters. That spit.
Jennifer helpfully yells to Nathan, "You have to be gentle, you're handling nipples". So no hooking the utters up to a car battery like she likes.
Some teams appear to have just gotten particularly milky camels. I've seen it a million times. They have to want to milk. It helps if you blow in the camels ear first. Maybe give it a hoof massage.
The Dirty Hippie is finished milking already! Ooop-he's having some trouble drinking it, however. Says it's a little "gritty." C'mon. Who would LOVE a nice tall glass of warm, gritty camel milk? Maybe with some OrneryO's? Mmmmm. He's probably just pissed off that fresh-squeezed camel milk isn't hallucinogenic.
I am somewhat unsurprised that the blonde from Team Dumbblonde has no trouble tugging on a camel.
Vyxsin has finished and Kurt told her to make sure to swallow every drop. Several teams have finished and are on their way to the next challenge. They're going the wrong way. Nobody cares. Because Lorena is about to blow.
I really hope you had a chance to watch this. Lorena keeps trying to milk what very well could be a male camel and any liquid that she's getting has been knocked out of her hands AT LEAST five times by the camel. It's physical comedy at it's finest. And finally, the breakdown. In full, hysterical, child lost in a shopping mall shriek:
"Baby, there NO MORE MILK! THERE'S NO MORE MIIIILLLLL(stroke)LLLLLKKKKK!!!!!!!!" (There is not enough exclamation points here. There are not enough exclamation points in the history of exclamation points.)
Lorena again:
"MIIIILLLKK!!! Baby!!!"
And now in prayer:
"Please Lord, give me some milk."
And now a different camel has kicked her.
"AAAGGHHH!!! He hit me!!"
Most of the rest of the teams are on to the Detour: Teach it or Learn it. Teams can either try to teach non-English-speaking African children 10 English words or learn 10 African words as a team.
Of course, Team Boring will choose the African words, because they probably learn Quantum Physics in their sleep. They definitely took that "Reading is Fundamental" stuff to heart growing up.
"It doesn't take a brainiac to memorize 10 words" according to Beaker F of Team Boring. She's right, of course. If you're talking about English words.
The weather is getting nasty. Big African storm rolling in. Great, AFRICA, is getting more rain than the southeastern United States. The thunder made one of the camels hop a few times. Awww, cute. Can I have one?
Lorena is STILL trying to milk this damn camel. This is just like the saying- "You can't squeeze water from a rock", except the water is milk and the rock is a, you know, camel. If you follow the analogy. It's complex. Give it sec.
And the camel just kicked the milk out of her hand. Again. If she had a machete, she would go all Apocalypse Now on this camel, I swear to you.
Brother and sister Team Boring have boringly won this stage. And, because they're in first, they've won a romantic five night trip to Bermuda. For two. Not creepy at all.
The spicy Latinas are still trying to get milk too! They better not lose. That's why there's such a terrible storm. The Amazing Race has angered the Gods!
Lorena's camel has just kicked the milk from her bowl AGAIN. Oh. Oooohhhh. Wait for it...wait for it....
*PLINK*
Aaannd there's the sound of Lorena's brain snapping in two. Now here's the primal scream.
AAAHHHHHHHHHHGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!
And she's dropped to her knees, a spent pile of mush. She's not even screaming now. It's all just grunts.
As she's leaving one of the Spicy Latinas tells Lorena to get milk from one the camels that has a baby camel near it. Anyone who watches the Amazing Race knows that this kind of kindness will only get you eliminated.
So, of course, Lorena finally does get a camel to give her enough milk.
Lorena asks Jason, in a tender moment, "Do you still love me?" He responds, "Of course, I still love you!" I mean, not enough to marry you.
At Teach it or Learn It-Jason tells Lorena, "We can learn African!! You know languages!!" You know, because she's Hispanic. And later she can make you a burrito.
The spicy Latinas got PASSED by Jason and Lorena. They're gonna be in last. HOW IS LORENA NOT IN LAST PLACE???? Lorena and Jason are in at second to last. Lorena breaks down at the end, saying "I didn't milk the camel right,"
Jason tells Phil that is why he loves Lorena, "She's passionate about life, she passionate about love, she's passionate about this race....and she's passionate about pleasing me." Um, yeah. That's pretty much the way I was picturing the situation, but thanks for laying it out so specifically there.
Lantinas are eliminated. The race has officially gotten uglier.
Well, that's it for this week. Although much of the spiciness is gone, but at least we have hope of another Lorena breakdown at some point.