Piece By Piece

Have you ever happened upon a thought that you were certain was an inside piece to the puzzle of existence? This weekend, I had an idea about the nature of man that I'm sure is globally important. And it came, as all genius does, while I was eating sushi.
Here is an ultimate truth in life: people like things in pieces. Okay, so that's not Earth shattering, but it explains a lot.
Sushi is an excellent example. Though I love sushi, my body is technically capable of processing only a six-piece roll and maybe a couple of nigiri pieces at one sitting. But I've never been one to let my body be the boss of me. Which is why I traditionally eat three or more six-piece rolls and eight or ten dozen nigiri pieces. And then wait to die.
Why do I do this? Because I break it down mentally as just one more piece. It's the American way. Just one more piece always has fewer calories. Just one more piece really doesn't count. Just one more piece is my birthright.
It's basically true of all food. We can justify eating an entire pizza, as long as it's broken down into pieces (often called "slices"). Eating an entire chicken seems ludicrous, but ordering a 12-piece bucket seems perfectly acceptable. Even more acceptable: chop that bird into smaller pieces! Nuggetizing is the ultimate piecification.
I know this doesn't seem like a revolutionary theory yet. But The Beale Piece Theory of the Universe is much broader than you may have ever imagined.
If you ask most people, the two greatest days of lives are their wedding day and the day their child is born. What are the basic traditions on a wedding day? Cutting the first piece of cake. Guests sometimes throw pieces of rice. What is a child? A piece of each of you. A new piece of family history.
See!?? Spooky, no?
So how about religion? Catholics eat a piece of Jesus as part of their ritual. In a traditional Jewish wedding ceremony, the man stomps a glass into pieces.
Politics? The world is broken up into pieces and everyone wants a bigger piece (not to be confused with a bigger peace). Politicians promise that everyone will get a piece of the pie. Every President wants to make his mark on a piece of history. Our government is based on being in pieces-the Legislative, Executive, and Judicial.
How about our monetary system? It's all originally based on pieces of gold. Pirates based their whole existence on pieces of eight and who in their right mind doesn't love pirates? Also, who in their right mind doesn't love the Pieces of Eight album by Styx!??!
My God, do you see how far reaching this all is?
Let's talk about violence in our society. We know for a fact from the NRA that guns don't kill people, bullets do. Bullets are very important pieces of the gun. And we all know that cool people refer to a gun as a piece.
Of course, violence often leads to death. Are you ready to be buried in your own piece of land? Were you insured by the piece of the rock? What will the piece of marble headstone say about you? Did you think R.I.P. meant "Rest in Peace"? No! It means Rest in Piece!
So there you go. I've blown your mind. I'm not sure what it means exactly, but I am pretty sure it's all an alien plot. After all, what did E.T. love?
That's right. Reese's Pieces.