Li-Lo

I seriously feel like my relationship with Lindsay Lohan is sort of like the blogger/actress equivalent of a Lifetime movie, wherein she keeps doing incredibly stupid stuff (getting arrested this morning for suspicion of drunk driving and cocaine possession, the flashing, the serial dating/stalking of inappropriate dudes, and the rumor that she was dating K. Fed), and I keep making excuses for her. Lately, I've been at the point where I don't even make the excuses anymore, because I know y'all will be like, "GIRL. You have GOT to MOVE ON. She is BAD NEWS. This is just going to HURT YOU." And I don't want to hear it, because I secretly STILL LOVE HER. So I make excuses in my head. "She's just dating K. Fed because she wants attention. It's a cry for help really. No one understands her the way I do. Everyone else is so mean." I know: it's a sickness. Next thing you know, Lindsay will stab Tori Spelling with a vegetable peeler or release a new Blackberry missive titled "Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?" ("Danger" being Kevin Federline and "Mother," I assume, being self-explanatory) or start an affair with an underage student as a means to forcing him to murder someone and then I will really have some justifying to do. God! No one understands her but me. So, I have come up with a last ditch effort to save my self-destructive starlet from ruining both her career AND her septum. If this doesn't work, I am out. I swear.

Dear Angelina Jolie,
I would like to congratulate you on all your humanitarian work. I am really happy you've made philanthropy the new black; there are worse things to make trendy, that's for sure. Like, say, leg warmers. So well done for giving a nice chunk of your personal fortune to international causes, and for opening your heart and home to children in need.
Indeed, Angelina, it's the latter quality that has prompted my letter. There is somebody in desperate need of a mother, a real one, and since you seem to care about your children very much, perhaps you can widen the sexy Jolie-Pitt familial embrace to include one more person in peril.
Angelina, this girl needs adopting. Fast. She seems cursed. She's jumped through all these hoops to claim she's sober now--although it's not auspicious that she talked about how she's been to AA for a year in the same breath with which she trumpeted being on the wagon for all of seven days--and yet she still is having no trouble going out in public and doing something regrettable. I hate to say it, but she's starting to spend just enough time in Tara Reid territory (well, except how she gets work and has real talent) that she might start owing rent soon.
You can see now how much help she needs, right, Ange? Sure, she has a mother, technically, but I don't think she'd notice if you handed her some adoption papers. Frankly, I'd consider doing this myself. But I think you are a better fit for her. Sure, I think strapping her down to a couch in front of 90210 reruns might be good for her--especially because I'm getting to the part where Brenda finds out about Dylan and Kelly and screams at them that she hates them and never wants to talk to them again--but on a grander scale my advice wouldn't quite come from the same realm of common experience as yours. Consider it--you too were a wild child with prodigious talent, like your prospective daughter here, but you managed to come out the other side. And you have the cash resources to help clear Lindsay's head. I don't, and I wouldn't want to take her into my home and make Promises I can't keep, if you get my subtly capitalized drift.
Anyway, please consider my proposal. Just think of it as an investment in babysitting--if you turn her into a responsible human being, you and Brad can have all the free weekends you want. It's a bargain! Good Luck.
Regards,
Jenny