The Answer

When I used to live and work in Chicago, conversations with friends would invariably drift to the subject of relationships. I was often the only girl member of the group and some times I was the only single person in the room. I'd grown used to the fact that I'm a bit of an anachronism. An anachronism and a sideshow freak. Nobody's still in love anymore. No one says it and means it every time. Nobody gets married and stays married for love. What's the point? It's just too hard. It isn't realistic. I had been burned before. And learned my lesson the hard way.
Then I meet Jason. And my whole world shifted.
I remember a recent phone conversation with my friend Tony. I like Tony; he's smart and clever and honest. He'll listen when you talk and will genuinely consider your point. He takes you in and doesn't make snap judgements. But he'll also come straight to the point.
"So why the hell did you get married, anyway?" he asked cheerfully.
"Whaddaya mean?" I asked, attempting to gain context through the phone.
"I mean..why get married? Why do it? I don't get it," he laughed.
"I guess..I don't.." I began to say.
"Did he make you get married? Like you couldn't resist the ring? Or just wanted a big party? I've really never understood this," he stated.
"No, he didn't make me. You're just mad because nobody will marry you. You have got to let go of the bitterness," I said with an exaggerated inhalation and exhalation.
"No, no, no, it's not about that. Hell, it's not like I even have prospects, let alone wife material. But I really don't get marriage. It all seems pointless and I don't know, fake," he explained.
"I guess I just..." and I stopped.
I don't think anyone had ever asked me before. How many years have I been married? What was the wedding like? Was I nervous? All the standard questions. But never why? How did I not have the answer to this question? I always screw up the easy questions on these tests.
"I guess because it's what you do, ya know? That next step, maybe? Wait...that's not right. That's the easy answer," I stumbled.
"Yeah, I am totally not buying your BS there," he laughed.
"I think because I really wanted to, ya know? I wanted to make him happy and our families happy and..." I tried to find the words.
"That all seems stupid to me," he said plainly.
"What?" I asked, surprised.
"That's really dumb. You got married to make other people happy? That's just so ridiculous. I mean, who cares?" he said.
"Not just to make other people happy. I wanted to get married. I wanted to make that commitment," I tried, certain that the term "commitment" would end the conversation. Yes. Take that.
"You shouldn't need a piece of paper and a minister for that," he countered.
I hate arguing with smart people.
"C'mon, it's more than that, and you know it," I said, getting a little pissed at my inability to answer this most basic question.
"No, I really, really don't know. I have no idea why people get married," he said, holding genuine.
"Maybe it comes down to how we're raised. My parents were married for 20 years and Jason's for over 35 or 36 year now. It's kind of ingrained in me. I want that life. Maybe you just never had that," I said.
"I'd at least buy into that a little more than your other arguments. I still don't understand why people feel the need to get married, though. The chance at failure almost seems to doom you," he stated.
"Yeah, but everyone goes into it with the belief that they're the exception. They're gonna make it." I reasoned.
"Well, that I get. That's true of every realtionship that ever was," he laughed.
"But honestly, Tony, it comes down to the fact that I just really love him. Maybe it's that simple. Maybe that's the answer," I finally said.
"Yeah. Yeah, maybe that's enough."
I think about that conversation a lot, mostly because of my completely blindsided inablitity to express an answer. But today, a day no different than any other, save a number on a calender, I think I am ready to share the answer with you.
I got married because it means something to me and it means something to every person who knows us. It's not a piece of paper and a minister. It's a statement. I knew the moment that I met him that I wanted to look into his jewel-clear eyes and see his smile and hear his laugh every day. Every day. For the rest of our lives. The only future that I have, the only future that I want, is forever with him. That's why I am married. And that's why no date on a calender matters, because it's just another day on the road to ever after.
Happy Valentines's Day.