One Cranky Cub Fan

It's Tuesday and I am still crabby. I started typing this yesterday when the crankiness took over and it hasn't stopped yet. I am tired. I am overworked and under appreciated. I need to kvetch. Now visualize me stomping my foot and using my whiny voice while reading this entry. That's better. Both professionally and personally I am frustrated and feeling on edge.
Work-I need an assistant. Just for today, I want someone I can boss around to make myself feel better. Wouldn't that be fun? Having someone fetch my coffee and make xeroxes for me would be delightful. On the other hand, I would have to start drinking coffee which then parleys into wasting money at Starbucks and stained teeth. Neither of which I can afford. Not to mention having to make small talk with an assistant who would probably glare at me all day because I would rule the workplace with an iron fist. After all, the whole point of this fantasy is that I get to be bossy without the consequences. Granted, work really isn't as bad as I make it seem, it's just silly nonsense and will eventually sort itself out. I complain about being too busy, but the alternative is much worse. I'll take a couple frazzled days over twiddling my thumbs any time. It's instant job security and that feels good. In baseball terms, I am in a slump and can't seem to shake it. Where's Lou Piniella when I need him? Someone needs to straighten out my attitude because I can't seem to do it alone.
Home-It is day five of the home ovulation kit without a positive reading and my anxiety level has started to build. Today is day fourteen of my cycle, which is the "World Series" in terms of fertility. It's the seventh inning stretch. I have two mornings left at bat and no one on base. No positive result, no "go home" signal from the third base coach. Every morning my chest feels like it could explode in anticipation and the little voice in the back of my head keeps telling me not to get my hopes up. I feel so close to getting answers, yet miles away from where I want to be. As each day passes, the sinking feeling in my stomach grows. I realize that I am probably going to have to face this problem head on and deal with it. However, wrapping my heart around it is going to be more difficult then I ever imagined. It is becoming harder for me to smile and think positive thoughts. There is an emptiness that consumes me. How can I love something so much already? This idea, dream, or person doesn't even exist and yet I am pining for it. Maybe I have always pined for it and now it is just out of my reach. It feels like a crushing weight on my heart. I feel especially bad for Jason. I know I am taking out my frustration on him and he doesn't deserve it. He is trying to be supportive in the best way he knows how. I can see how much it hurts him when I am sad and it becomes a vicious cycle. I am sad, he is sad because I am sad, I am sad because he is sad because I am sad, and so forth. You get the picture. My heart breaks when I see the look on his face because he doesn't know how to comfort me. My whole life I have prayed for him and now I fear that I am pushing him away because I can't say these things out loud to him. I don't want to do that, I can't do that. The only thing I can do is finish out the testing kit and see the doctor on Tuesday. One step at a time. If there is one thing the Cubs have taught me, it is that there is always hope. It just wasn't our year, but there is always next year. I still have hope and I am not giving up on Team Beale that easily.