I have been traveling for business this week. Of course, I went to the Midwest, where the floods have hit. The trip home yesterday brought with it yet another joyous experience at the airport. I flew from Columbus, Ohio to Greensboro on Skybus Airlines because it was the cheapest option from here to there or vice versa. Now, you'd think that there wouldn't be more than a few people a year that would would want to travel on Skybus to the greater Columbus metropolis, but the plane was full of adorable little doe-eyed travelers. I was standing in the gate area picking out who was leaving home from Ohio and who was just visiting--Ohio, Ohio, Greensboro, Ohio, Greensboro, Ohio, Ohio, Ohio. It's really quite obvious really. People in Greensboro don't wear full beards and flannel shirts in the middle of spring. Especially the women.
So we boarded the plane and wedged ourselves into the seats, listening to instructions on what to do in case of a water landing. What? Are we taking a little-known westerly route over the Pacific between Ohio and Greensboro? Seems inconvenient, but I'm not a major airline, so what do I know? I chose to stay quiet, lest they think me a terrorist.
Turns out that I didn't need to immediately worry about traveling over a major body of water anyway. The major body of water was coming to us. We were 27th in line for takeoff and nobody was in a really big hurry. To hear the tower tell it, there was some sort of flash-monsoon heading directly to the Columbus airport. Storm of the century. Hail the size of poodles. In the distance, I saw a man building an ark.
So we sat. Our captain was very helpful with updates, telling us that nothing whatsoever had changed and we were waiting for the storm to hit.
Ah. Yes, let's not get out of here
before the poodles come. Let's wait and enjoy the show.
We were all careful to move from our seats, because the plane could move AT ANY MOMENT!! Wait for it!!! The excitement on the plane was palpable. Plane sitting should be a ride at Disney.
Then the Captain came on again and said that the storm was moving more slowly than expected, so he was just gonna go ahead and power down for a while. We were free to move about the cabin until further notice.
Sweet joyful liberty! Finally I can run free in the aisle! Go horseback riding! Swim in the Olympic sized pool!!!
Or I can sit and stew. And seethe.
After 2 hours (well really more like 30 minutes but it felt like 2 hours), I hear the engines power up. The Captain comes on over the intercom with his cheeriest voice and proclaims that we are ret'ta'go. I look out the window. No poodles. Light drizzle. My house plants were wetter than our runway.
Me: Hang on. What happened to Paula's left sleeve? Did Simon finally get to the point where he just couldn't take her nonsensical ramblings anymore and rip it off in a rage?
Me: Hold the phone. Is she wearing pleather elbow-length GLOVES? With assorted bracelets?
Me: REWIND THE PHONE AND HOLD ON TO IT. Fingerless pleather elbow-length gloves covered in bracelets and capped off with a cocktail ring? Am I seeing this? I think I am seeing this. Maybe I hit my head at some point today and now I'm hallucinating. That's probably what's going on here. Why can't I hallucinate Brad Pitt? Is that Kristy Lee Cook singing "God Bless the USA'? WHERE DID MOMMY PUT HER GIN?
I thought you should be made aware of this. That's all. You know, just letting you know that he's out and about in this. Just in case you were wondering what he was up to.