Numero Uno

I have decided to start blogging. It does not mean that I decided give out the web address....yet. I find myself curiously repulsed by our country's voyeuristic attitude. Since the development of the web (thank you big Al), we are now able to "peep into the windows" of other people's lives in an instant. We have immediate access to photographs of celebrities, videos of friends babies, digital pictures of family, world wide events (including public hangings & school shootings), and tape recordings of personal phone calls. No one finds this a little strange? Yet here I sit, about to divulge intimate details of my personal life to anyone with access to a keypad and mouse. I am trying to think of this experience as an "on-line" journal. A place where I can post my thoughts & comments on life without fear of judgement. Lord knows there is always a lot going on with me and I am starting to think sharing some of it might be therapeutic. At least that is my hope. I need to begin by saying that I am truly blessed with a wonderful husband, family, extended family, friends and pets.

But in this very moment I feel sadness. Even with all of our blessings, we haven't been blessed with the greatest gift of all. A child. I know there are people who will wonder.... what's the rush? Enjoy each other, we have only been married six months. I hear them telling me that conceiving a child takes time and after all this is the fun part right? Jason and I are just beginning of life's journey together and when I look back at this point it my life, it will seem like a flash in the pan. But the bottom line is this: since going off BC I have had two cycles and then nothing. As in: zero eggs have been created in three months. In my opinion, this feels different than couples who have to wait a few months, six months or even up to a year for it to stick. While I am sure that the sorrow and sadness are real emotions for those folks, at least they know that it is possible. Every time "Aunt Flo" visits they have proof positive that the possibility of new life exists. I feel like the rug has been pulled out from under me. This is a bad joke right? At this point, I am on the cusp on dealing with infertility and I feel lost. For those of you screaming to call your doctor, I already have. Right now I am on a medication to "jump start" my cycle. Once that happens, we begin a series of tests to determine if in fact there is a problem and how to deal with it. I need to stress that we don't know any concrete facts yet. There is no reason to assume that I cannot conceive naturally and that we won't have our beautiful family. This is where my head trip begins. Course I immediately assume the worst and feel the overwhelming urge burst into tears at any given moment. Everything I see or hear reminds me of children. This could literally be my biggest fear coming to life and I have no control. None. Nada. Zip. Zero. Zilch. You get the picture. I feel like I could become a woman obsessed. The worst part is that I don't want it to be this way. I so want to be happy, excited, talkative, bubbly, fun and positive about this experience. Instead I feel torn between wanting to scream at strangers about how unfair this is or hide under my covers until my body cooperates. I feel like I need to reassure everyone I meet that I am going to be a great Mom or crawl under a rock so I don't have to say it out loud. Because talking about it might make it real and I don't know if I can deal with that reality.

Hence the need to blog............